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*singerofthenight*
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 Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: Dangerous Temptations 2 |
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Marissa stared at the man in front of her. At 29, he hadn't changed much, except for the broad shoulders and the tighter, flatter stomach visable through his shirt. His chest expanded with each breath he took. His shirt was half tucked, hanging out of his pinstriped trousers. His tie was rumpled, his short jet black hair slightly tousled. He looked as if he'd just escaped a brawl. His eyes were a clear, crystal blue.
Not knowing what to say, she made an act of clearing her throat and gestured towards the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee or tea?" she asked nervously. She really didn't want him in here house, but how could she make that clear without being rude? This is hopeless! She thought as she followed him into the kitchen. Walking over to the sink, she gestured to the room adjacent to the kitchen.
"If you want to, you can go sit in the den until it's done." He looked at her as he shook his head. " I think I'll stay in here." Walking over to the table, he pulled out a chairand plopped down in it, his long legs stretching out in front of him. He looked around nervously, like he expected something or someone to jump out of thin air. His cheeks were an unattractive blotchy red colour. What am I doing? Marissa asked herself.
I know he's in trouble, but what am I going to do? I don't even know him anymore! Sighing, she turned to make the coffee with trembling hands. After washing her hands, she gripped the side of the counter, her knuckles white against the deep blue tile.
Breathe. She reminded herself. Her chest rose with each deep breath she took.
Unable to stand the silence any longer, Colt shifted in his chair. Drumming his fingers on the table, he took a deep, steadying breath.
"Okay...where do I start? I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do anymore," he shifted again in his chair, his fingers keeping a steady beat. " I know you haven't seen or heard from me in over three years, but damnit Marissa, you don't know the hell I've been through every since I left you. I regreted leaving you, but...I...I couldn't..." he stopped as he seen her shoulders shakign silently.
"Marissa? You okay?"
Shaking, she turned to the man she once loved, her eyes going misty as her eyes met his.
She hung her head to keep him from seeing the tears. "I know." The emotion in her voice strong, making it sound weak and hoarse.
Colt rose from the chair and closed the short distance between them. "Oh God, Marissa. I didn't mean to make you cry. Jesus, you know I'd never meant to do that."
Unable to stand her crying, he crushed her to him, the emotions building inside him like a volcano about to erupt. It was just like old times, her relaxed in his arms. Abruptly she went still, forcing her hands between them and pushing against him to break the embrace.
"I can't!" She cried. She stumbled out the kitchen and up the stairs before he could realize what was going on. Footsteps followed her up the stairs and to her bedroom.
"Please Colt, just leave me alone." She mumbled, silently crying into her pillow. The bed shifted at the end of the bed where he sat down, his weight making the mattress sink. A knowing touch landed on her shoulder before she heard the voice she had longed to hear for the past few years.
“Marissa, please just listen." He asked gently, massaging her shoulders. Relaxing against his touch, she mumbled something that sounded like a reply. Using his thumb, he probed a gentle spot between her shoulder blades, then flattening his hand and running it down her spine, letting out a soft moan of protest as his hand reached the small of her back, then traveling down to the base her spine. He let out a deep throated groan.
"God, it's been so long since I've touched you." His hand moved lower to cup her bottom as he leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Every since that night I walked out on you, all I thought about was you." He captured her ear lobe in his mouth, suckling. Her back arched when he traced her ear with his tongue, sending pleasure shooting down her spine.
Oh God, what am I doing? Turning over on her back, Marissa used her hands to push him away from her. "No!" She exclaimed, infuriated with herself for allowing him to go that far. Surprise lingered in his eyes as he sat up straight, looking down at her.
“I ca...can’t.” She stammered, struggling to move from under him.
“I understand. Your still waiting for marriage.” He sighed. Turning away from her, he got off the bed and went to sit in the small recliner beside the nightstand. Odd to have a chair in such a small room, he thought to himself.
Confused, Marissa rubbed the back of her hand again her brow. She shook her head. “No...it’s not that, I mean yeah I’m still waiting, but you said you were going to explain why you were here.”
“Ok. That’s how you want it?” He looked to her for agreement. Getting it he continued. “Well it’s a long story….” |
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Last edited by *singerofthenight* on Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:30 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: Re: Dangerous Temptations 2 |
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| *singerofthenight* wrote: |
Marissa stared at the man in front of her. At 29, he hadn't changed much, except for the broad shoulders and the tighter, flatter stomach How can you see a gut underneath a dress shirt?. The muscles of his chest expanded with each breath he took. Replace this with: His chest rose and fell with his anxious pants. His shirt was half-tucked, hanging out of his pinstriped trousers. His tie was rumpled. His short jet black hair slightly scruffled try "tousled". He looked as if he had just escaped a bar fight. His eyes were a clear, crystal blue, like the sky on an early spring day. Cliche metaphor here!
Not knowing what to say, she made an act of clearing her throat and gestured towards the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee or tea?" She asked nervously. Her big soft chestnut eyes growing bigger as she watched him walk into the kitchen.
What am I going to do? He's obviously in trouble, but what can I do? I haven't seen him in a long time, and I barely know him anymore. She sighed. Put the thought in italics
"Um.....where do I start? I know you haven't seen or heard from me in almost 3 years, and I'm truly sorry about that. I....I just needed time to think." He said, walking over to the table and sitting down. Marissa walked over to the sink. Reaching up, she opened the cabinet that held the pots and pans. Taking one down, she turned the water on and filled it up. She set the coffee maker on high and poured the water into the container before finally turning around to face the man she once loved. Her eyes were brimming with tears by then. Just do "Marissa walked to the sink and made the coffee with trembling hands, finally turning to her past love with misty eyes."
She hung her head to keep him from seeing the tears. "I know." The emotion in her voice strong, making it sound weak and hoarse.
Brad rose from the chair and close the short distance between them. "Oh God, Marissa. I didn't mean to make you cry. Jesus, you know I'd never meant to do that." To prove it, he crushed his mouth over hers, emotions building inside him like a volcano about to erupt. The kiss was rough at first, then it softened when she relaxed against him, her arms traveling around his neck. His hand crept up her body to tangle in her short hair before tilting her head back more to deepen the kiss. Abruptly she went still, forcing her hands between them and pushing against him to break the kiss back and retreating to the opposite counter.
"I can't!" She cried, flinging herself out of his grip. "I can't put myself through that pain again." Doesn't sound realistic. At. All. She ran out the kitchen and up the stairs before he could realize what was going on. Footsteps followed her up the stairs and to her bedroom.
"Please Brad, just leave me alone." She mumbled, silently crying into her pillow. The bed shifted at the end of the bed where he sat down, his weight making the mattress sink. A knowing touch landed on her shoulder before she heard the voice she had longed to hear for the past few years.
“Marissa, please just listen."He asked gently,massaging her shoulders. Relaxing against his touch, she mumbled something that sounded like a reply. Using his thumb, he probed a gently spot between her shoulder blades, then flattening his hand and running it down her spine, letting out a soft moan of protest as his hand reached the small of her back, traveling down to the base her spine. He let out a deep throated groan. "God, it's been so long since I've touched you." His hand moved lower to cup her bottom as he leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Every since that night I walked out on you, all I thought about was you." He captured her ear lobe in his mouth, suckling. Her back arched when he traced her ear with his tongue, sending pleasure shooting down her spine.
Oh God, what am I doing? Turning over on her back, Marissa used her hands to push him away from her. "No!" She exclaimed, infuriated with herself for allowing him to go that far. Surprise lingered in his eyes as he sat up straight, looking down at her.
“I ca..can’t.” She stammered, struggling to move from under him.
“I understand. You're still waiting for marriage.” He sighed. Turning away from her, he got off the bed and went to sit in the small recliner beside the nightstand. Odd to have a chair in such a small room, he thought to himself.
Confused, Marissa rubbed the back of her hand again her brow. She shook her head. “No..it’s not that, I mean yeah I’m still waiting, but you said you were going to explain why you were here.”
“Ok. That’s how you want it?” He looked to her for agreement. Getting it he continued. “Well it’s a long story….”
Mod edit: Added chapter number to title to avoid confusion. |
Well, this is certainly heating up!  And the omniscent third person does get awkward in places, but mostly it's okay. The problem is that they just start making out. No prelude, no hesitation. It sounds a lot like they're just kind of being stupid to me. (Sorry for being harsh!) You did the descriptions well and I applaud you for that! All in all, a pretty good one. Just needs polishing.
Grade: B |
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*singerofthenight*
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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| please critique. very important! |
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
Marissa stared at the man in front of her. At 29, he hadn't changed much, except for the broad shoulders and the tighter, flatter stomach. The muscles of his chest expanded with each breath he took. His shirt was half tucked, hanging out of his pinstriped trousers. His tie was rumpled. [Connect this sentence and then next with a comma.] His short jet black hair slightly scruffled. He looked as if he’d just escaped a bar fight. His eyes were a clear, crystal blue, like the sky on an early spring day.
Not knowing what to say, she made an act of clearing her throat and gestured towards the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee or tea?" [Small s for she.] She asked nervously. Her big soft chestnut eyes growing bigger opened wider as she watched him walk into the kitchen.
What am I going to do? He's obviously in trouble, but what can I do? I haven't seen him in a long time, and I barely know him anymore. She sighed.
"Um.....where do I start? I know you haven't seen or heard from me in almost 3 three years, and I'm truly sorry about that. I....I [Three dots for an ellipse.] just needed time to think." [Comma and small h for he.] He said, walking over to the table and sitting down. Marissa walked over to the sink. Reaching up, she opened the cabinet that held the pots and pans. Taking one down, she turned the water on and filled it up. She set the coffee maker on high and poured the water into the container before finally turning around to face the man she once loved. [What was the point in that? She filled the pan just to fill the coffee maker? Why not move the coffee maker over to the sink? Or is it not portable?] Her eyes were brimming with tears by then.
She hung her head to keep him from seeing the tears. "I know." The emotion in her voice wasstrong, making it the volume sound weak and hoarse in comparison.
Brad rose from the chair and closed the short distance between them. "Oh God, Marissa. I didn't mean to make you cry. Jesus, you know I'd never meant to do that." To prove it, he crushed his mouth over hers, emotions building inside him like a volcano about to erupt. The kiss was rough at first, then softened when she relaxed against him, her arms travelling traveling around his neck. [I think this is too sudden. You need to build up to it more.] His hand crept up her body to tangle in her short hair before tilting her head back more to deepen the kiss. Abruptly she went still, forcing her hands between them and pushing against him to break the kiss.
"I can't!" She cried, flinging herself out of his grip. "I can't put myself through that pain again." She ran out the kitchen and up the stairs before he could realize what was going on. Footsteps followed her up the stairs and to her bedroom.
"Please Brad, just leave me alone." [Comma and small s for she.] She mumbled, silently crying into her pillow. The bed shifted at the end of the bed where he sat down, his weight making the mattress sink. A knowing touch landed on her shoulder before she heard the voice she had longed to hear for the past few years.
“Marissa, please just listen."He [Comma and small h for he. Also, you need a space between the speech mark and he.] asked gently,massaging her shoulders. Relaxing against his touch, she mumbled something that sounded like a reply. Using his thumb, he probed a gently spot between her shoulder blades, then flattening his hand and running it down her spine, letting out a soft moan of protest as his hand reached the small of her back, travelling traveling down to the base her spine. He let out a deep throated groan. "God, it's been so long since I've touched you." His hand moved lower to cup her bottom as he leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Every Ever since that night I walked out on you, all I thought about was you." He captured her ear lobe in his mouth, suckling. Her back arched when he traced her ear with his tongue, sending pleasure shooting down her spine.
Oh God, what am I doing? Turning over on her back, Marissa used her hands to push him away from her. "No!" She exclaimed, infuriated with herself for allowing him to go that far. Surprise lingered in his eyes as he sat up straight, looking down at her.
“I ca..can’t.” [Comma and small s for she.] She stammered, struggling to move from under him.
“I understand. Your You’re still waiting for marriage.” [Comma and then small letter for h.] He sighed. Turning away from her, he got off the bed and went to sit in the small recliner beside the nightstand. Odd to have a chair in such a small room, he thought to himself.
Confused, Marissa rubbed the back of her hand against her brow. She shook her head. “No..it’s [Three dots for an ellipse.] not that, I mean yeah I’m still waiting, but you said you were going to explain why you were here.”
“Okay. That’s how you want it?” He looked to her for agreement. Getting it he continued. “Well it’s a long story….” |
Advancing quite nicely, dear but I felt that the kiss was a little rushed. Also, show us her emotions more. Is she afraid to enter the kitchen after him? Once in there, does she suggest he should go sit in the living room and wait while she makes coffee? Is she self conscious of her appearance? You have to show us their personalities and what’s going through their heads. Also, describe the kitchen, Describe the bed - the duvet, the pillows. What colour are they? Do they have a pattern?
Just try to add more detail into your scenes and think through your characters more carefully. You have to show the reader what’s unique about them and why the reader should care for them.
Pm when it’s edited,
Heather xx |
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*singerofthenight*
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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| ehh...where did all the critiques go? chapter 3 is comiong up tommorow |
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| Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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OMG!!! Darling, after what you just wrote I want to be your best friend. This is heating up big time, I like the part where you said his cheeks were unattractively blotchy, this is good! I really want to read chapter 3!! I really think the part that is realistic is where he tries to hold her and she pushes him away. For me personally, I think I would be a little bit more hostile to him then let him see me cry, so I don't know some people ot's easier to admit their angry than hurt. Well I'm off going to read chapter three sorry love that I couldn't be anymore help.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: |
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Chapter 2:
Marissa stared at the man in front of her. At 29, he hadn't changed much, except for the broad shoulders and the tighter, flatter stomach visable visible through his shirt. His chest expanded with each breath he took. His shirt was half tucked, hanging out of his pinstriped trousers. His tie was rumpled, his short jet black hair slightly tousled. He looked as if he'd just escaped a brawl. His eyes were a clear, crystal blue.
Not knowing what to say, she made an act of clearing her throat and gestured towards the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee or tea?" she asked nervously. She really didn't want him in here her house, but how could she make that clear without being rude? This is hopeless! [I think you should put this thought in italics and then there's no need to tell us that it's a thought.] She thought as she followed him into the kitchen. Walking over to the sink, she gestured to the room adjacent to the kitchen. "If you want to, you can go sit in the den until it's done." He looked at her as he shook his head. " I [There's a space between the speech marks and 'I' that shouldn't be there.] think I'll stay in here." Walking over to the table, he pulled out a chairand [You need a space between chair and and.] plopped down in it, his long legs stretching out in front of him. He looked around nervously, like he expected something or someone to jump out of thin air. His cheeks were an unattractive blotchy red colour. What am I doing? [Put this in italics.] Marissa asked herself. I know he's in trouble, but what am I going to do? I don't even know him anymore! [This part in italics too.] Sighing, she turned to make the coffee with trembling hands. After washing her hands, she gripped the side of the counter, her knuckles white against the deep blue tile. [Why does she wash her hands? That seems a little strange. She's only making coffee...] Breathe. [Put this in italics.] She reminded herself. Her chest rose with each deep breath she took.
Unable to stand the silence any longer, Colt shifted in his chair. Drumming his fingers on the table, he took a deep, steadying breath. "Okay...where do I start? I'm so lost right now I don't know what to do anymore," he said, shifted shifting again in his chair, his fingers keeping a steady beat. " I know you haven't seen or heard from me in over three years, but damnit Marissa, you don't know the hell I've been through every ever since I left you. I regreted regretted leaving you, but...I...I couldn't..." he stopped as he seen He stopped as he saw her shoulders shakign shaking silently. "Marissa? You okay?"
Shaking, she turned to the man she once loved, her eyes going misty as her eyes they met his.
She hung her head to keep him from seeing the tears. "I know." The emotion in her voice was strong, making it sound weak and hoarse.
Colt rose from the chair and closed the short distance between them. "Oh God, Marissa. I didn't mean to make you cry. Jesus, you know I'd never meant to do that." Unable to stand her crying, he crushed her to him, the emotions building inside him like a volcano about to erupt. It was just like old times, her relaxed in his arms. Abruptly she went still, forcing her hands between them and pushing against him to break the embrace.
"I can't!" She [Small s for she.] cried. She stumbled out the kitchen and up the stairs before he could realize what was going on. Footsteps followed her up the stairs and to her bedroom.
"Please Colt, just leave me alone." She [Comma instead of full stop and small s for she.] mumbled, silently crying into her pillow. The bed [I think you might be missing a word here? Maybe bed sheet or bed covers?] shifted at the end of the bed where he sat down, his weight making the mattress sink. A knowing touch landed on her shoulder before she heard the voice she had longed to hear for the past few years.
“Marissa, please just listen." [Comma and small h for he.] He asked gently, massaging her shoulders. Relaxing against his touch, she mumbled something that sounded like a reply. Using his thumb, he probed a gentle spot between her shoulder blades, then flattening his hand and running it down her spine, letting she let out a soft moan of protest as his hand reached the small of her back, then traveling down to the base her spine. He let out a deep throated groan. "God, it's been so long since I've touched you." His hand moved lower to cup her bottom as he leaned over to whisper in her ear. "Every Ever since that night I walked out on you, all I thought about was you." He captured her ear lobe in his mouth, suckling. Her back arched when he traced her ear with his tongue, sending pleasure shooting down her spine.
Oh God, what am I doing? [Put this in italics.] Turning over on her back, Marissa used her hands to push him away from her. "No!" She exclaimed, infuriated with herself for allowing him to go that far. Surprise lingered in his eyes as he sat up straight, looking down at her.
“I ca...can’t.” She stammered, struggling to move from under him.
“I understand. Your You're still waiting for marriage.” [Comma and small letter for h.] He sighed. Turning away from her, he got off the bed and went to sit in the small recliner beside the night-stand. Odd to have a chair in such a small room, he thought to himself. He thought it odd to have a chair in such a small room.
Confused, Marissa rubbed the back of her hand against her brow. She shook her head. “No...it’s not that, I mean yeah I’m still waiting, but you said you were going to explain why you were here.”
“Okay. That’s how you want it?” He looked to her for agreement. Getting it he continued. “Well it’s a long story….” |
Good work on the corrections dear and here's a few more for you to take a look at. The inclusion of more thoughts is working well and the atmosphere in the bedroom was much stronger. I think I'm getting a better feel for your characters now, great job! Keep returning to this and looking at where you can slip more description or characterization in and let me know if you'd like me to take another look,
Heather xx |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, I would suggest that you shorten the paragraphs, just to make it easier for your readers. It also makes it easier to critique. Somtimes I'll get to reading and be like look at all the big paragraphs. IDk I guess it distracts me. LOL. Anyways, I love what you have so far. I didn't see any major grammar mistakes that just screamed at me and slapped me in the face. So good job in the grammar department. So I am off to read and rip apart *coughs* I mean review your work. Good luck and keep writing! |
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just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off*
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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ok thanks i redited it.  |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh sorry, you must of edited it while I was typing in the critique.LOL |
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