Topic ID: 34178
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clueless
Senior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 23 Jun 2008
Posts: 114
Reviews: 38
350 Points
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 Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: Unobserved |
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I cower in the corner, unobserved.
Just a figment of your imagination,
Until you bring me to life.
Skipping around, acting as if nothing is wrong,
Laughing with friends you used to have,
The sorrows of life are lifted off my shoulders.
As you imagine me in the sunny meadows,
Of what used to be but is no more,
I am you as you were.
Before the city and its confining concrete,
With no room to breath, you suffocate.
In another place, sitting around the fire,
Gazing at the twinkling stars.
You long for that freedom again,
As you cower in the corner, unobserved. |
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I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours.
Last edited by clueless on Fri Nov 21, 2008 3:12 am; edited 1 time in total |
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sampaguita-imagination
Junior Writer
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Joined: 07 Aug 2008
Posts: 18
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Country: Canada
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
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"I cower in the corner, unobserved.
Just a figment of your imagination,
Until you bring me to life."
This is the first thing that caught my eye. You really expressed what you really felt. That part made me feel like that it did happen to me. That this is how most people feel about life. I like that your really descriptive too.
"Before the city and its confining concrete,
With no room to breath, you suffocate."
Also, adding this rhyming part was good too. Not only your poem is good you have good use of ethnics. |
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Demeter
gotta catch 'em all
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780 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, clueless!
I really like how the first and the last line bring it all together. The emotion in this piece is enjoyable, and I think you could expand the poem or make it a little longer.
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| acting as if nothing is wrong, |
I think it should be, in this case, "if nothing was wrong".
I can't really explain why I like this poem so much. I just like it, and that's all you need to know.  I can't spot any major mistakes, so good job!
See you around,
Demeter xxx |
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Rascalover
When push comes to shove
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401 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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Wow,
This is an awesome piece of work! I really like the beginning it draws the reader in. You have pure talent here.
KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK
-Tiffany |
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I’ve dealt with my ghosts and I’ve faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret |
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Princess
<3
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1100 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:42 am Post subject: |
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Hey clueless! lol.. I love this poem! you expressed what many people are terrified to say. I admire you for that.  There is something about this poem that screams "awesome" and i must say, it certainly is...  so pm me if you have any more poetry, cuz i cant wait to read more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Chirantha
The boy genius.
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Country: Somewhere above or below ground
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: |
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I don't know what to say. It was great. Awesome in fact.
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I cower in the corner, unobserved.
Just a figment of your imagination,
Until you bring me to life. |
I really liked this part. It expresses the emotions of that person. Great work.
Actually, I can't see any mistakes, so I'll say, well done. This poem was great.
Well done, again.
And good luck.  |
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clueless
Senior Writer
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350 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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this is my favorite peice of mine. tied with a close second of lost in death. those are about the only two dark peices ive ever written. and i like them better than any of the other ones. hmm...
they arent really me. maybe thats what i like about them. |
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I am, a flower quickly fading. Here today but gone tomorrow. A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind. Still you, hear me when I'm calling. You catch me when I'm falling. You told me who I am.
I am yours. |
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Misinterpreted
Junior Writer
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Joined: 16 Oct 2008
Posts: 45
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Country: South Africa
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah I can't wait to read another!
It lured me in and now i am hungry for more!
Cool, avvie btw it KICKS ASS
okay Lame lol |
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