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Writing is Pain
Writing is Pain

by Explosive_Pen in Non-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 7, 2008
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Thirst

Topic ID: 34128
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sampaguita-imagination   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Aug 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 3
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:56 pm    Post subject: Thirst Reply with quote

The story had taken a different change of things. Taking things slow and smoothly...same plot though Wink

Chapter one Home

I sat on my bed, staring at the plain bash wall. I could hear the clock on my bed side ticking away. I noticed that my attention was on the little silver clock that seemed to be galling me. My mind was just at ease I thought to myself, but now I was in a hostile mood. I seemed to gawk at the thing. I gritted my teeth so hard I'd thought my jaw would snap off. I went to reach for the clock and clutched it with my right hand. I violently heaved the clock at the wall as it made loud smashing sound. Finally, there was no sound to interrupt my thoughts. It was perfectly soundless and nothing could bother me then. There were many things on my mind lately, like school, friends, and my family's secret that I knew I had to be restrained about. The fact I was a bloodthirsty vampire that sometimes startled me most. My family wasn't keened on interacting with humans as much as I did. It was all about self-discipline and not to attack humans. I would be going on a killing mascaraed just because I was so urged to give in temptation.

I got out of bed and I walked gracefully on the hard wood floor that had been spotless and still looked brand-new. Maybe the fact that I was floating but it was like I was skating on air. I glided to the mirror and I examined myself. I was amazingly stunning, pale white skin, ebony black hair, circles under eyes, and yet my ember eyes that seemed to be too luminous.

As I headed out of my room I closed the creaky white door. I ran my hand on the bash wall that matched my wall in my room leading throughout the whole house. I stared down to see what the stairs looked like. It was dark brown made of oak wood. The banister was smooth as a baby's bottom. I chuckled to myself at that thought. When I finally reached the lowest of the stairs the end of the banister we're curved inward. The little details on banister had flowers and vines carefully carved into it. To me it seemed like a perfect, flawless masterpiece.

I headed towards the kitchen on the left. My mother caught sight of me. She had a rule where that we had to human like much as possible. Meaning that father (was away on a business's trip) had left her as a mere mortal than changing her. I didn't get the concept of not letting my mother being "one of us", I mean it wasn't that bad. If you put it in way that she was only mortal and at any time we have become thirsty and ravage on our own mother's blood.

I pushed the thought out of my mind because I was startled at the thought. I made a different perception about my mom. Her name had a ring to it, Gabrielle Dela Rosa I repeated in my mind over and over again, until it was listlessness to me. I looked into a different prospect about my mom on how I had her heart shaped face and that I looked a lot like her, as if I was staring at my reflection.

"Gesivelle?" my mom said softy to me.

"You blanked out honey", she said whispering like she was the wind itself.

"Yeah?" I asked my mom as I took a minute to respond.

"Well, sweetie your sister Maria is coming home from California today, it will take her some time to get to New York. So, I was hoping that you'd spend some time with your older sister this weekend okay?", She asked me eagerly.

I was kind of agitated because I had some plans to hang out with my friends this weekend. But then again it's been forever since I last saw my sister.

"Sure mom" I said in a low voice. I was pretty furious with my mother. I could feel a misgiving snarl escaping away from my mouth.

My mom made a disapproved glare at me. I didn't really care so, I drifted away and so did my mind with it. I opened my bedroom door, closed it, slummed on my bed, and waited for my sister's arrival.

Chapter two being updated


_________________
I'm nowhere near perfect. So, are the rest of us. We live with our mistakes and try to learn from them.


Last edited by sampaguita-imagination on Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:40 am; edited 9 times in total
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Archstormangel   View This User's Portfolio
doesn't like Twilight.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 4:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

...
Crits?
I may be harsh.
The way you write doesn't flow. Typos everywhere and it's just not smooth. Your descriptions are pretty point blank. Your grammar is lacking, and the multiple exclamation marks are unneeded. You just throw things out without easing them into the story, and then you just forget about it when you're done with it. No follow-up.

And the obvious Edward wanna-be is kind of failish.

And in the beginning, everything is very unclear. First it seems as though the sister is attacking the main character, then all of a sudden, the main character killed the sister who was supposedly already a vampire. What?

It was too random, and your character overpowered her sister too quickly. You didn't even show us the scene with the mother, just stated that your sister had bitten her, and didn't even really make that clear.

My advice: Re-write it. More detail, more flow, more listening to the squiggly lines under your words.

_________________
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

I'm still a writer.
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sampaguita-imagination   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Aug 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 3
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Archstormangel wrote:
...
Crits?
I may be harsh.
The way you write doesn't flow. Typos everywhere and it's just not smooth. Your descriptions are pretty point blank. Your grammar is lacking, and the multiple exclamation marks are unneeded. You just throw things out without easing them into the story, and then you just forget about it when you're done with it. No follow-up.

And the obvious Edward wanna-be is kind of failish.

And in the beginning, everything is very unclear. First it seems as though the sister is attacking the main character, then all of a sudden, the main character killed the sister who was supposedly already a vampire. What?

It was too random, and your character overpowered her sister too quickly. You didn't even show us the scene with the mother, just stated that your sister had bitten her, and didn't even really make that clear.

My advice: Re-write it. More detail, more flow, more listening to the squiggly lines under your words.


I will do the best I can.

_________________
I'm nowhere near perfect. So, are the rest of us. We live with our mistakes and try to learn from them.
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View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Archstormangel   View This User's Portfolio
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist

53
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 331
Reviews: 53
Country: Burp.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 6:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, good luck, then! Looking forward to see what you do with it. :3

_________________
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...

I'm still a writer.
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Stella Thomas   View This User's Portfolio
loves Angel Clare and the new Doctor!
Master of the Forum

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:17 pm    Post subject: Re: Thirst Reply with quote

Hey Diane and on behalf of... well, myself, I would like to welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella, and I shall be your critiquer this afternoon.

I. NITPICKS

Quote:
my mother right beside me. I could


Comma, not full stop there.

Quote:
thirst that urged me so.


the thirst that urged me so... what?

Quote:
haven't


hadn't.

Quote:
Her lips we're drenched in blood.


were, not we're. We're means "we are."

Quote:
"Maria"?


"Maria?"

Quote:
As her eyes we're a distorted shades of dark colors in her eyes that scared me most.


Try something like this:

"It was her eyes that scared me the most, as they were filled a distorted mixture of dark shades."

Quote:
My sister who was so nice and calm had bitten our mother before my eyes.


Avoid the word "nice."

Quote:
Her piearcing blue eyes softened as she looked at me..


piercing, also, only one full stop at the end.

Quote:
Maria whispered to me. “Gesivelle….” She said calmly.


'Maria whispered to me. "Gesivelle..." she said calmly.'

Quote:
” It’s me…don’t be scared….” She tried to convince me.


No capital for "she". That goes for all speech tags like this.

Quote:
The fangs thirsted more then just blood,but I had a desire to kill!


Leave out the "but", and a space after the comma. Also, avoid exclamation marks except in dialogue.

Quote:
I couldn’t bite my sister I cried out in horror.


Full stop after "sister"

Quote:
“I'm so sorry” I wailed and started screaming.


"I'm so sorry," I wailed. Comma at the end if there's a speech tag coming.

Quote:
The tears fell down on m cheek.


Leave out the "on" and it's my, not m.

Quote:
“I’m sorry “ I choked.
“Goodbye Maria” I shouted in despair.


Commas!

Quote:
disntegrate


disintergrate.


Quote:
with fury I knew my eyes


full stop after fury.

Quote:
“David! Watch out”screamed a girl who cried in horror.


"David! Watch out!" screamed a girl who then cried in horror.

Quote:
“LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed at her.


Caps and extra exclamation marks make no difference. "Leave!" I screamed at her is just as effective.

Okay so.

II. PROOFREADING

Proofread, and if it don't make sense, change it! Get rid of run-on sentences without enough clauses! Eliminate punctuation error! Exterminate annoying mistakes in your prose! Editing will save the world some day, so start... today!

Okay, that was a cheesy superhero speech. But seriously, proofreading will make your work seem a whole lot more professional.

III. UM... HANDS UP IF YOU'RE CONFUSED...

'Cause I am.

Who's a vampire and who isn't? What's happened to her mother? Why are they in this mess? If Maria's able to bite her mother, how can her sister bite her? I thought vamps only sucked the blood of humans. What colour are their eyes? Why are they all angsty?

Expaaaaand...

Because I was pretty much entirely lost for most of this. I didn't even get a clear idea of where they are.

You need to think of all the clear, simple facts your readers need to know and get them across in a clear, simple way. Remember as we're not you, we can't see what you see in your head, you've got to show it to us.

IV. ATTACK OF THE MARY SUES AND GARY STUS?

(I'm saying strange things during this review.)

A Mary Sue or a Gary Stu is a character who's perfect in every way and therefore, is possibly the worst character that can be written.

Now, I'm sure you'll disagree with me, but I find Edward Cullen one of the biggest Gary Stus I've ever read. *cowers* But it's true. I don't like him at all.

So you need to save yourself from these characters.

Don't do the whole "he was a Greek god" thing. Remember that physical beauty doesn't necessarily represent inner-beauty in any case. Don't make your characters all gorgeous. It's annoying. And make sure that they are all horribly, horribly flawed.

I'm telling you this now as a warning as you said you were a fan of the Twilight books.

V. CHARACTERIZATION

There was very little.

You need to start developing your characters from the word "go." How is your MC physically reacting to how her mother has died? Does she have nervous habits coming up? Also, how is her relationship with Maria? What about Maria herself?

Forget you're writing characters and start writing people. People you can talk to on the street. And don't do away with the screaming girl either. Keep your characters, and make them real to us.

VI. OVERALL

I wasn't a huge fan. Now, that is by no means to say it was bad, but it needs work. Proofread it and make your prose more natural. Get into your character's heads and think "How are they reacting? And why are they reacting like that?"

I'm not a Twilight fan, so the style didn't appeal to me at all either.

But keep working on it and you'll improve by absolute miles! You seem to have some sort of storyline, so go with it.

Here's hoping you stick around!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

_________________
Sometimes it's the people who have nothing to run from who need to escape...
If you want to add me on MSN, do so, but PM me telling me!
Want a crit? PM me now!
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sampaguita-imagination   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Aug 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 3
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 9:18 am    Post subject: Re: Thirst Reply with quote

Stella Thomas wrote:
Hey Diane and on behalf of... well, myself, I would like to welcome you to YWS! You can call me Stella, and I shall be your critiquer this afternoon.

I. NITPICKS

Quote:
my mother right beside me. I could


Comma, not full stop there.

Quote:
thirst that urged me so.


the thirst that urged me so... what?

Quote:
haven't


hadn't.

Quote:
Her lips we're drenched in blood.


were, not we're. We're means "we are."

Quote:
"Maria"?


"Maria?"

Quote:
As her eyes we're a distorted shades of dark colors in her eyes that scared me most.


Try something like this:

"It was her eyes that scared me the most, as they were filled a distorted mixture of dark shades."

Quote:
My sister who was so nice and calm had bitten our mother before my eyes.


Avoid the word "nice."

Quote:
Her piearcing blue eyes softened as she looked at me..


piercing, also, only one full stop at the end.

Quote:
Maria whispered to me. “Gesivelle….” She said calmly.


'Maria whispered to me. "Gesivelle..." she said calmly.'

Quote:
” It’s me…don’t be scared….” She tried to convince me.


No capital for "she". That goes for all speech tags like this.

Quote:
The fangs thirsted more then just blood,but I had a desire to kill!


Leave out the "but", and a space after the comma. Also, avoid exclamation marks except in dialogue.

Quote:
I couldn’t bite my sister I cried out in horror.


Full stop after "sister"

Quote:
“I'm so sorry” I wailed and started screaming.


"I'm so sorry," I wailed. Comma at the end if there's a speech tag coming.

Quote:
The tears fell down on m cheek.


Leave out the "on" and it's my, not m.

Quote:
“I’m sorry “ I choked.
“Goodbye Maria” I shouted in despair.


Commas!

Quote:
disntegrate


disintergrate.


Quote:
with fury I knew my eyes


full stop after fury.

Quote:
“David! Watch out”screamed a girl who cried in horror.


"David! Watch out!" screamed a girl who then cried in horror.

Quote:
“LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!” I screamed at her.


Caps and extra exclamation marks make no difference. "Leave!" I screamed at her is just as effective.

Okay so.

II. PROOFREADING

Proofread, and if it don't make sense, change it! Get rid of run-on sentences without enough clauses! Eliminate punctuation error! Exterminate annoying mistakes in your prose! Editing will save the world some day, so start... today!

Okay, that was a cheesy superhero speech. But seriously, proofreading will make your work seem a whole lot more professional.

III. UM... HANDS UP IF YOU'RE CONFUSED...

'Cause I am.

Who's a vampire and who isn't? What's happened to her mother? Why are they in this mess? If Maria's able to bite her mother, how can her sister bite her? I thought vamps only sucked the blood of humans. What colour are their eyes? Why are they all angsty?

Expaaaaand...

Because I was pretty much entirely lost for most of this. I didn't even get a clear idea of where they are.

You need to think of all the clear, simple facts your readers need to know and get them across in a clear, simple way. Remember as we're not you, we can't see what you see in your head, you've got to show it to us.

IV. ATTACK OF THE MARY SUES AND GARY STUS?

(I'm saying strange things during this review.)

A Mary Sue or a Gary Stu is a character who's perfect in every way and therefore, is possibly the worst character that can be written.

Now, I'm sure you'll disagree with me, but I find Edward Cullen one of the biggest Gary Stus I've ever read. *cowers* But it's true. I don't like him at all.

So you need to save yourself from these characters.

Don't do the whole "he was a Greek god" thing. Remember that physical beauty doesn't necessarily represent inner-beauty in any case. Don't make your characters all gorgeous. It's annoying. And make sure that they are all horribly, horribly flawed.

I'm telling you this now as a warning as you said you were a fan of the Twilight books.

V. CHARACTERIZATION

There was very little.

You need to start developing your characters from the word "go." How is your MC physically reacting to how her mother has died? Does she have nervous habits coming up? Also, how is her relationship with Maria? What about Maria herself?

Forget you're writing characters and start writing people. People you can talk to on the street. And don't do away with the screaming girl either. Keep your characters, and make them real to us.

VI. OVERALL

I wasn't a huge fan. Now, that is by no means to say it was bad, but it needs work. Proofread it and make your prose more natural. Get into your character's heads and think "How are they reacting? And why are they reacting like that?"

I'm not a Twilight fan, so the style didn't appeal to me at all either.

But keep working on it and you'll improve by absolute miles! You seem to have some sort of storyline, so go with it.

Here's hoping you stick around!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.


Very Happy changed....XD

_________________
I'm nowhere near perfect. So, are the rest of us. We live with our mistakes and try to learn from them.
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