Topic ID: 3412
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
kutestuff003
Junior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 40
Reviews: 22
Country: Minnesota
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:56 am Post subject: Reality Check |
 |
|
You think your all that,
You think your a star,
But when it comes to reality,
Thats not what you are.
You laugh like a hyhena,
You look like a dog,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just a fat hog.
You suck at school,
You fail every test,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just not the best.
You don't have the body,
You don't have the guy,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just like a fly.
You smell like garbage,
You look like it too,
But when it comes to reality,
You live in a zoo.
Your hair is greasy,
You need a bath,
But when it comes to reality,
Your a physco path.
You have more than one chin,
You have a fat face,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just out of place.
You need to leave Hazel Park,
You need to move on,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just like a con.
But when reality rolls around your just in the way. I don't have anymore to say.
-----------------------
Hazel Park people you should know who this is..
Kaitlyn and Cara |
_________________
Support our troops..
Shoutouts:
Liz~ Your so funny
Greg~ Don't change..and I mean that
Alex~ Dude, your great...
Colton~Man you sure are nice see ya |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
nickelpickle
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 18 Dec 2004
Posts: 600
Reviews: 162
Country: In my only little world
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 3:57 am Post subject: Re: Reality Check |
|
|
First of all, welcome. Second, this was horrible. Let me be the first to say it. Expect it from others, cause that's what's coming.
| kutestuff003 wrote: |
You think your all that,
You think your a star,
But when it comes to reality,
Thats not what you are.
|
First of all, in a poem, at least watch your spelling and grammar. Without it, you make a below average poem even worse. I will rewrite each stanza.
you think you're all that,
You think you're a star.
But when it comes to reality,
That's not what you are.
| Quote: |
You laugh like a hyhena,
You look like a dog,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just a fat hog. |
Immature, childish...Not even moderate level here....failing if you were getting a grade
You laugh like a hyena and
You look like a dog.
But when it comes to reality,
You're just a fat hog.
| Quote: |
You suck at school,
You fail every test,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just not the best. |
This contradicted itself.
You suck at school
And you fail every test.
But when it comes to reality,
You're just not the best.
| Quote: |
You don't have the body,
You don't have the guy,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just like a fly. |
You don't have the body,
You don't have the guy.
But when it comes to reality,
You're just like a fly.
EWW.... Relate the things in each stanza to each other. This was crap.
| Quote: |
You smell like garbage,
You look like it too,
But when it comes to reality,
You live in a zoo.
|
You smell like garbage,
You look like it too.
But when it comes to reality,
You live in a zoo.
Come on. You can do better than this. It was crap. This sounds like a kindergartners taunting.
| Quote: |
Your hair is greasy,
You need a bath,
But when it comes to reality,
Your a physco path.
|
Your hair is greasy,
You need a bath.
But when it comes to reality,
You're a psychopath.
| Quote: |
You have more than one chin,
You have a fat face,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just out of place. |
You have more than one chin and
You have a fat face.
But when it comes to reality,
You're just out of place.
| Quote: |
You need to leave Hazel Park,
You need to move on,
But when it comes to reality,
Your just like a con. |
You need to leave Hazel Park,
You need to move on.
But when it comes to reality,
You're just a con.
| Quote: |
But when reality rolls around your just in the way. I don't have anymore to say.
|
This is not poetry...And thank god you have no more to say.
Learn to write. Stop the repetition, stop the rhyming, stop the whining. You are coming across like an angry two year old with a limited vocabulary. You're on a writing forum. Please, write something worth having. And don't take this so called flow from children's jump rope game rhymes. Anyway, keep writing. |
_________________
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around." |
|
| Back to top |
|
kutestuff003
Junior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 40
Reviews: 22
Country: Minnesota
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I don't care wether you like it or not....I wrote it because all of this is true I may sound like a 2 year old but when it comes to reality I'm probably more mature than you are. |
_________________
Support our troops..
Shoutouts:
Liz~ Your so funny
Greg~ Don't change..and I mean that
Alex~ Dude, your great...
Colton~Man you sure are nice see ya |
|
| Back to top |
|
you_really_suck
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Mar 2005
Posts: 233
Reviews: 13
Country: in your toaster
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
| you wrote this? well i'm not going to say anything about it just that i don't like rhyming poems and stuff so yeah i can't really say anyhting about it |
_________________
Meat is Murder |
|
| Back to top |
|
Elizabeth
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 29
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3024
Reviews: 1160
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 6:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
I know who it is about lalalalalalalala
Although I can really relate it to two people (if you take out the fat hog thing)
I liked this but the rhmyes were forced and that kind of drove me a bit nuts. that's it though. YAY GREENPEACE! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
nickelpickle
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 18 Dec 2004
Posts: 600
Reviews: 162
Country: In my only little world
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 1:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| kutestuff003 wrote: |
| I don't care wether you like it or not....I wrote it because all of this is true I may sound like a 2 year old but when it comes to reality I'm probably more mature than you are. |
Okay. Perhaps I came across as rude, but you are presumably here to learn to write. If you can't accept criticism, you can't learn. If you want proof of it, look at my earliest (and current) poems and the criticsm they recieved. Accept it, be thankful for it.
Perhaps it is all true, but get a better place to show it or write a real poem out of this. Did you want me to say this is great? Fine. Great job! It's a lie. If people lie to you about your writing, you won't get better. Learn from criticism, accept it and thank the person for it. You don't care if I like it? Will you care when the other members agree with me? Will you care when someone double your age tells you how horrible it is? It doesn't matter to me, honestly, so go ahead, think this is good.
And that last comment simply proved your immaturity. Sorry. You keep thinking that this is mature, and I'll go right along with you if you'd like. Let me warn you that it would be a lie again. Anyway, I'm done with this, you won't listen to anything I say, so why bother, right? Keep writing and I hope you learn to accept what others have to say.
Nikki |
_________________
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around." |
|
| Back to top |
|
nickelpickle
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 18 Dec 2004
Posts: 600
Reviews: 162
Country: In my only little world
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 1:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| kutestuff003 wrote: |
| I don't care wether you like it or not....I wrote it because all of this is true I may sound like a 2 year old but when it comes to reality I'm probably more mature than you are. |
Okay. Perhaps I came across as rude, but you are presumably here to learn to write. If you can't accept criticism, you can't learn. If you want proof of it, look at my earliest (and current) poems and the criticsm they recieved. Accept it, be thankful for it.
Perhaps it is all true, but get a better place to show it or write a real poem out of this. Did you want me to say this is great? Fine. Great job! It's a lie. If people lie to you about your writing, you won't get better. Learn from criticism, accept it and thank the person for it. You don't care if I like it? Will you care when the other members agree with me? Will you care when someone double your age tells you how horrible it is? It doesn't matter to me, honestly, so go ahead, think this is good.
And that last comment simply proved your immaturity. Sorry. You keep thinking that this is mature, and I'll go right along with you if you'd like. Let me warn you that it would be a lie again. Anyway, I'm done with this, you won't listen to anything I say, so why bother, right? Keep writing and I hope you learn to accept what others have to say.
Nikki |
_________________
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around." |
|
| Back to top |
|
kutestuff003
Junior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Jun 2005
Posts: 40
Reviews: 22
Country: Minnesota
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Ok..I just need to say a few more things and then I will be done. Ok you are one year older than me so you don't have every little skill to make something perfect, I'm not trying to sound immature or like a little kid. But hey this was a quick write and my friend and I were bored so we wrote this. I have seen alot of writings like this on the YWS so I'm not the only one who could use a few adjustments....its not all that easy to take some of the words people say. Especially when you've spent alot of time working on them. I love the help don't get me wrong but I also need a little like niceness when it comes to helping. I know I need to be able to except the fact that some people won't like every little thing I write down, and I understand that. Because I know there are some poems/stories out there that I don't like all that much either. But if you could help in a way that isn't so critical I would appreciate that. But if you are just gonna be a stuck up snob about it. Then I really don't want the help.
I just needed to say that. And I need to say Im sorry for being so snotty about it. I should have just said thanks. Like you said and carried on with my life.
---------------
Kaitlyn |
_________________
Support our troops..
Shoutouts:
Liz~ Your so funny
Greg~ Don't change..and I mean that
Alex~ Dude, your great...
Colton~Man you sure are nice see ya |
|
| Back to top |
|
Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Dec 2004
Posts: 3157
Reviews: 437
Country: I wish I knew...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 9:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Okay... every body calm down...
Kutestuff - Nikki was not attacking you or the feelings or thoughts that inspired this poem. All she was saying was that the poem itself was... well... horrible... I'm sure that she never meant any of it to sound mean or evil. But this is a writers site, and when people post here, they basically expect it to be picked apart so that the mistakes can be ironed out and fixed to make the piece all the better. We're not trying to knock you down, we're simply trying to help... Please keep that in mind when you're reading our responses to your work, because we are really only trying to help you out.
As for my response to this poem, I really can't say anything that hasn't already been said. I didn't find it very captivating and I think you forced things into it that just made it worse. You really didn't do the thoughts behind it justice, and I think you could do alot better.
As harsh as all that may sound, remember, we're here to help... |
_________________
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching. |
|
| Back to top |
|
nickelpickle
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 18 Dec 2004
Posts: 600
Reviews: 162
Country: In my only little world
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 2:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| Ok..I just need to say a few more things and then I will be done. Ok you are one year older than me so you don't have every little skill to make something perfect, I'm not trying to sound immature or like a little kid. |
I dont pretend to have every little skill to make something perfect. By no means was the version I edited even mediocre, much less than perfect. I simply corrected your grammar and made some comments. And I didn't even know your age. Honestly, I don't care how old you are. Look at some of my other critiques of people older than me. They aren't any less harsh.
| Quote: |
| But hey this was a quick write and my friend and I were bored so we wrote this. I have seen alot of writings like this on the YWS so I'm not the only one who could use a few adjustments....its not all that easy to take some of the words people say. |
Don't make excuses. I do it, it annoys everyone else and then others do it and it annoys me. I know it's not easy, but this discussion isn't helping you at all. I chose at random a poem to critique. I chose yours and it needed work. It will be someone elses turn another day.
| Quote: |
| Especially when you've spent alot of time working on them. I love the help don't get me wrong but I also need a little like niceness when it comes to helping. I know I need to be able to except the fact that some people won't like every little thing I write down, and I understand that. |
Didn't you just say it was a quick write? Some people need niceness, but I'm not the one to get it from. Sorry. And by your comments, you prove that you don't understand that fact.
| Quote: |
| Because I know there are some poems/stories out there that I don't like all that much either. But if you could help in a way that isn't so critical I would appreciate that. But if you are just gonna be a stuck up snob about it. Then I really don't want the help. |
It's not that I didn't like your poem. It was just badly written. Anyway, you may say many things about me. You can say that I'm mean, that I'm a bitch, pretty much anything. But stuck up snob doesn't describe me. I was trying to help. I apologize for helping.
| Quote: |
| I just needed to say that. And I need to say Im sorry for being so snotty about it. I should have just said thanks. Like you said and carried on with my life. |
You aren't sorry. And if that's what you should've done, why didn't you? Anyway, what you should be doing is rewriting this to make it better, not arguing with me. That alone proves immaturity.
| Quote: |
| Kutestuff - Nikki was not attacking you or the feelings or thoughts that inspired this poem. All she was saying was that the poem itself was... well... horrible... I'm sure that she never meant any of it to sound mean or evil. But this is a writers site, and when people post here, they basically expect it to be picked apart so that the mistakes can be ironed out and fixed to make the piece all the better. We're not trying to knock you down, we're simply trying to help... Please keep that in mind when you're reading our responses to your work, because we are really only trying to help you out. |
Thank you Duskglimmer. I appreciate your defending me. I was giving an honest opinion, learn to deal with it. If you ever mature enough to accept criticsm and decide you want my help, let me know. |
_________________
"There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fireweed
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 651
Reviews: 324
Country: U.S... Alaska, to be precise
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 10:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| hey peace out everybody |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Elizabeth
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 29
Joined: 07 Dec 2004
Posts: 3024
Reviews: 1160
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 6:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
| You two, fighting like cubs... You're both not perfect, accept it. Some people just like different tates Kaitlyn so they critisize other works to make it fit to their likings. Believe me, there have been some harsh things said about my stories, i didn't care, but when they judged me for being stupid and said I wasn't good enough I should stop, yes, I did get testy. Hmm... I wonder if that girl is dead yet.... |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Elder Bobo
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 29 Dec 2004
Posts: 2939
Reviews: 479
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 6:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha. |
_________________
My Cartoon! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
