Topic ID: 34111
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OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
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 Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:38 am Post subject: I've Come So Far |
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He’s not there every time
I close my eyes anymore.
I don’t feel his hands on
my skin each time I move.
I don’t feel the need to vomit
when I look in the mirror anymore.
I’ve come so far.
The few moments he is gone,
when I am free of him.
I cling to them— like they are
my only anchor to this earth,
When I don’t hear that
sickening laugh in my ear,
don't feel his breath on my cheek.
I cling to them,
because the moment they are gone,
so am I.
I’ve come so far.
He was gone from my mind,
exempt from every thought.
Then in one horrifying instant,
when I close my eyes to
rest my tired body,
he is back.
His maniacal laughter haunting me,
his rank breath filling my nostrils.
I’ve come so far.
My skin crawls all over,
I shake, shiver, tremble.
His phantom hands brutalize me
once more.
I cry, cower, hide—
reaching for my few moments,
when I can tell myself
"I’ve come so far." |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there, Tiff! This is an interesting poem. A little vague and the emotion could be stronger but I love the concept behind it. Let me start with a line by line:
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He’s not there every time
I close my eyes anymore. [I think your beginning could be stronger. These opening two lines need to draw your reader in, you need to convince them to keep reading. Perhaps something like:
'I can close my eyes
and he's no longer there,
not hanging in the distance,
feeding on the dark.'
I think you need something with a bit more description and a little more atmosphere. You have to make us hate this 'he' and you have to show us her fear and hatred of him.]
I don’t feel his hands on
my skin each time I move. [Good but how did his hands feel on her skin? Were they rough hands or were they cold? Did they scratch at her skin or did they press into her, leaing indents along her body. Try to chill your reader, try to show them a scene from her past; what's inside her head.]
I don’t feel the need to vomit
when I look in the mirror anymore. [Maybe try a different approach. Perhaps something like:
'I used to feel the need to vomit;
retch out the contents of my stomach
so the outside could look as bad
as I'd feel.
No more. Not anymore.']
I’ve come so far.
The few moments he is gone,
when I am free of him.
I cling to them— like they are
my only anchor to this earth, [I think you nee a full stop here.]
When I don’t hear that
sickening laugh in my ear,
don't feel his breath on my cheek. [Maybe an ellipse here. I think that would fit nicely.]
I cling to them,
because the moment they are gone,
so am I.
I’ve come so far. [I like the repetition of this line. It works nicely.]
He was gone from my mind,
exempt from every thought.
Then in one horrifying instant,
when I close my eyes to
rest my tired body,
he is back.
His maniacal laughter haunting me,
his rank breath filling my nostrils. [I think you should make more use of the pure present tense here. Maybe change those last two lines to:
'His maniacal laughter haunts me,
his rank breath fills my nostrils.']
I’ve come so far.
My skin crawls all over,
I shake, shiver, tremble.
His phantom hands brutalize me
once more.
I cry, cower, hide—
reaching for my few moments,
when I can tell myself
"I’ve come so far." [I love this last stanza and I like the creepiness of this, how he comes back to affect her even those he's gone, even though he's dead. Am I right in assuming that's what's going on?] |
Overall, this is good. It needs editing in places to build on the creepiness, on setting the atmosphere and showing the emotion but it's well thought out. Just try to think how you might feel and strengthen that perspective. At the moment, your narrator could be any scared woman. What makes her different to others? What makes her particularly vulnerable, why should your reader feel for her?
All the reactions you've shown are quite common: hating your reflection, shrinking away, closing your eyes. But in actuality, everyone reacts to fear in a slightly different manor. Show us her little quirks, what makes her an individual. Maybe she tries to lose herself in counting the days that he's away? I really can't suggest anythign though: she's your narrator. So you know her best.
Let me know if you have questions or want me to take a look at a second draft,
Heather xx |
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sampaguita-imagination
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree on the 1st comment but over all good  |
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Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 8:14 am Post subject: |
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LOL. Build creepiness.
I agree - it could use some more power, but the general poem is quite nice, and pleasant to read.
...
Not in that way D: |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, Easy! Sorry this is a little late, but I've been a little busy lately. ^^;
Grammar and First Impressions
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The few moments he is gone,
when I am free of him.
I cling to them— like they are
my only anchor to this earth, [I rather liked this metaphor!]
When I don’t hear that
sickening laugh in my ear,
don't feel his breath on my cheek. |
That's a long sentence!  I think you can do a lot here to make it more... meaty.
I cling to those precious moments
when I am free of him.
They are my anchor to this earth;
I don't hear his
sickening laugh in my ear
or his [chilling] breath on my cheek.
| Quote: |
I cling to them, [no comma]
because the moment they are gone,
so am I I am too. |
I changed the last line 'cause it sounded more chilling. 'Sup to you, of course! ^^
| Quote: |
Then in one horrifying instant,
when I close my eyes to
rest my tired body,
he is back.
His maniacal laughter haunting haunts me, [semi instead]
his rank breath filling fills my nostrils. |
| Quote: |
My skin crawls all over, [semi instead]
I shake, shiver, tremble.
His phantom hands brutalize me
once more.
I cry, cower, hide—
reaching for my few moments,
when I can tell myself
"I’ve come so far." |
I'd like it if we kept the same parallel structure here. You start with:
My skin crawls all over;
I shake, shiver, tremble.
His phantom hands brutalize me
once more.
I loved this, by the way. You start with describing your skin, then what your entire body is doing, and finally end with a touching line. I'd like it if you did the same to the next.
My skin melts with fear;
I cry, cower, hide.
I reach for those precious moments
when I could tell myself,
"I've come so far."
Just a suggestion, but hopefully you see what I mean? I know I'm not very clear. 
Overall
I really liked this. It was creepy, and I got goosebumps sometime when I read this. There are a few moments that you can add extra description to send an extra chill down the reader's spine or connect with the reader so they/we know to hate the man.
That was only a little confusing on my part. oO
Anyway, another job well done! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
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Very creepy, nice length, and thought provoking. Thank you!
RG |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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I definitely saw where you were going with the emotion, but
like someone else said, it could be a little stronger.
The line, "my only anchor to this earth," really stands out.
More imagery like that could really get the point across. |
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