Topic ID: 3410
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Soyala Amaya
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 Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:10 am Post subject: (S)end |
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If you read my blog, you'll kind of get what this is. Damn I hate long distance relationships sometimes.
One more night of twitching anticipation,
Telling myself that tonight (for once) I
will not be the one to pick up the phone.
I will hold (thrust) it out to you to do what
I know (hope) we both want with every
sweating inch of our begging (please)
bodies. Because no matter what we talk
about in our whispered midnight (pleadings)
conversations, it always turns to the (dark)
knowledge born of nights and days of skin and
heat, of tangled sheets and (lonely) pleasure.
But as every second passes (screams) by, I
can’t help but bring the line of (touch)
communication closer to my (already) half
bared flesh, so that when it cries (painfully) loud,
I can lift it to my ear and feel the miles of wire reach
out and touch places inside me that were never
meant to be touched with (electric) fingertips. No
matter the skill with which your (skin) voice takes
me to the point where (even) I beg to hear you call
out for me to come (for) with you, in the end my (bloody)
hand hits END and I am left in my own bed (fluids)
alone, burned by the harsh reality that says I can(not)
have you until I am the one who pushes SEND. |
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Last edited by Soyala Amaya on Wed Jun 22, 2005 11:48 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Ceylon
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:15 am Post subject: |
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| I liked your description, simple yet powerful. |
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antigone
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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| wow, I really liked this. I loved the words in parenthesis and how it was really fast and urgent. It was powerful and almost raw or something. Great job. |
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Soyala Amaya
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| Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2005 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| Allright, allright, I know, blatant thread bump but...I want so good ciritque! Come on Incan, firestarter, hunter! I kill your pieces all the time! Shred this one! |
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Soyala Amaya
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| Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2005 4:40 am Post subject: |
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| I know, I know, blatant thread bump, but somebody critique this! Incan, Hunter, Firestarter...shred please! |
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Sgt.Pepper
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| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 12:20 am Post subject: |
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It's pretty good. But it kinda seemed like you stuffed it a bit much. Don't worry about making it too long, there's no such thing...unless it gets repititive. In other words you could really work on your line breaks, will be quite usefull. And stanza breaks and just getting rid of all those extra words that are unneeded.
The idea is great, the structure could use some work.
Thanks for posting.Well done. Keep on writting in the free world. |
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Jennafina
it's not you, it's Utah
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| Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 8:18 pm Post subject: |
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| I like the parenthacies too. Its a clever idea. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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| cool. it flows really well and i like the parentheses too. |
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Meshugenah
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| Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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Still want this ripped to pieces, Soy? I'll be glad to see what i can do (and I can range from horribly vague to horribly mean, try not to be mean, though).
In general, I found this to be wordy, and at times awkwardly worded. I don't think the parenthesis added much to this poem used as they are. Used more sparingly the effect would have been more prounced. for example.. first stanza, third and fourth line sounded odd to read.
Structure wise.. stanzas are your friend. yes. as are line breaks where they make more sense.. I'm not great with them, so I can only help so much there.
(this is just me, now, nothing as concrete, mostly opinion) In place of some description, maybe actions, or an.. not example.. oh, what's it called..
(ok, i've resorted to examples)
In place of "Telling myself that tonight (for once) I
will not be the one to pick up the phone. "
something more like (and this is partly becuase this sounds more lyrical than dramatic to me, too, now that I think about it, but that's beside the point..)
"I watched until the batteries of my clock ran down
staring at the motionless porcelin
huggin a blanket tighter around myself.. " the precelin beign the phone, or whatever you want it tobe made out of..
ok, that got off, but you see what i mean? well, as it's not a great example.. but basically, the same principle in writing prose, showing vs. telling. it's fine and dandy to tell us what's going on, it's another to show it, make us feel the emotion. There are parts I think you could omit, or work in a more artful fashion in the poem. "anticipation", for example. through word choice you can convey that feeling to us without blatently stating it. You also have some good imagery, so don't get rid of that!
basically, my advice would be to take another look at this, rewrite parts (what you think should be, not necessilary what I say should be done), maybe go over the top with it, use too many metaphors that no one else will understand, and then work down.
ok, enough poetic ranting from (a struggling poet) me. I do like this, and i think it has potential, so work with it! |
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