Young Writers Society

Hey there, Victor. Thought I'd drop by and be the first to critique this piece:





 
	  
Quote:
	
	

	  
Out of the socket



the plug goes,



off the chair I go. [I don't like the double use of the verb 'to go' and I think this could be more dramatic. Perhaps something a little more poetic and metaphorical like:



'Softly clicked out of the socket,

I leave the plug coiled

across the floor

like a waiting snake.

Scrape goes my chair 

as I stand.'



It lengthens your stanza a little but it's more interesting, more descriptive. Remember that similes and metaphors are your friends =) Repetition too but only in the right places.]



Make my way to clean my teeth [I don't think the fragment works here. Add more imagery. This is a rather mundane action so show it in an intriguing way.]



(and why, I do not know);



my head feels quite ok. [It should be 'okay' because ok is actually chat speak though people don't always realise it. Also, maybe start this sentence with a but so it links better to the previous one because otherwise it feels like the narrator doesn't know why he brushes his teeth.]



Make my way over to my bed, 



light switch off [Maybe this would be better as: 



'I approach my bed,

extinguish the light

like the stars going out,']



(and why, I do not know);



my head feels quite ok. [Same as in the last stanza. Nice use of repetition.]



I feel high as the black sky,



what drugs did I take?



None that I can taste. [I like this stanza but again, it could be stronger. Add a little description. Try to think of a more interesting simile. 'Black sky' is rather dull.]



Just read four great poems on that site YWS,



and my head feels just ok



helping others out on the site YWS. [I think this ending could be stronger and try to avoid the repetition of YWS. That's your punch line so you don't want to over-use it.] 
	





Overall, this isn't bad. It's not the best that I've read but it has potential. I think you need to first add imagery to make this more interesting but also, this is supposed to be an ode to YWS so think of what else is great about the site and add that in. Maybe refer more to the critiquing session or the level of creativity.



Hope this helps a little,



Heather xx