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OverEasy
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 Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 11:37 am Post subject: Smoking Camels on Your Grave |
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This one... I'm not really sure what to say about it. It would have been my friends 18th birthday today, sadly she is not here to see it. I wrote this for her, in memory, I guess.
I take the smoke in—
one deep breath.
Camels for you, girl,
never anything less.
I dig my hands into the grass
of your eternal resting spot.
I smile at memories
of mooning cars and
unsuspecting pedestrians.
I whisper words,
so no one else can hear them.
They are meant for you,
and you alone.
“I miss you, girl,
I did as I promised,
I came to see you,
smoked a Camel on your grave.
I won’t cry for you,
too many tears have been
shed in this spot.
Instead I’ll give you
my best smile.”
For Chelsie,
August 6th 1990 ~ December 2, 2006 |
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lozzen
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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Gosh.
Wow.
Well, what can i say? Amazing. This is really beautiful. It really touched me. Beautifully written. I really love it. Seriously. The way you have written from your heart is really touching. I don't really get the camels bit but it doesn't dampen the poem 1 bit for me. I think my favourite bit was the speech bit at the end where you said...
“I miss you, girl," I love that line, delicate and sad in just a few words. I really can't get over how much in love i'am with this poem. It's gorgeous. I must go and look over some of your other works of art now. Wow. Anyway please keep writing, i'll be checking up on you!
lozzen xx
(I'm really sorry for your loss) |
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neophilic
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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I loved it, seriously amazing. I agree with lozzen, you calling her 'girl' makes it seem a little more personal somehow.
I'm guessing the Camel part is an inside sort of thing, a running joke in your friendship?
I love the feeling in this!
Really, really well written.
Please keep writing =]
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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This is very sweet and sad, I like it a lot. It paints such a vivid picture, a person smoking and sitting, thinking. A promise kept, very poignant. I love it =] The only suggestion I can really think of is:
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| of mooning cars and |
Maybe the and would be better as "at"... but that's not really very important. It's just a thought.
I think what I like most about this poem is that it's sort of irreverent. Even though it's a sweet, sad, respectful poem about this girl who as gone - it's also kind of crazy and honest about the friendship, the mooning and everything, it actually makes it almost funny. Like, although it's a poem about thinking of someone after they've died, it's not the typical viewpoint on it at all. The same as the way you're smiling rather than crying. It just makes it seem more human, more honest, more likeable.
You're a really good writer =] |
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sheismorphing
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:33 am Post subject: |
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honestly, I am covered in goosebumps. I read this aloud to my friend and we both really took it in and wow, amazing.
You really showed so much depth within a rather short dramatic poem. I can't imagine what it feels to know your best friend is no longer physically in your presence because they have passed but reading this touched me in a somewhat relative place. I lost a very dear friend of mine and although she did not pass, it feels like a part of me is gone without her in my life.
I hope that by relating a lost friendship to your poem is not offensive. I really am in awe that you are productive with your thoughts to share such an intense happening in your life. |
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praisejoe
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 12:26 pm Post subject: |
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ummmmh
well
simply amazing
touching
wonderful
it's just so so intresting i hope she sees it even on a latter date
thanks
cheers |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 3:48 pm Post subject: |
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Ooooh, I really liked it.
I mean loved it.
The way you had written it, it was so emotional. I mean, the way you shed tears and smiled and showed his feelings. But, about that 'camel' part, that wasn't quite so good. Was it a joke or what?
But apart from that "camel" scene, your poem was awesome.
Well done. |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Chels was a chronic Camel smoker. So whenever any of her friends go visit her it is tradition to smoke a Camel for her, hence the "Camel" scene. |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
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It's nice, but you shouldn't have had to explain the whole camel thing. I mean, it's a personal poem, but that kinda thing can be alluded to, and -why not?- to make it a more complete work. "Like we/you used to" or something...
Technically, I've got a couple of suggestions;
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
I take the smoke in—
one deep breath.
Camels for you, girl,
never anything less. This line had a rhyme to it, and unfortunately that's deceiving rhythm wise. I think "breath" is the easier word to change.
I dig my hands into the grass
of your eternal resting spot.
I smile at memories
of mooning cars and
unsuspecting pedestrians. Another rather dramatic rhythm break.*
I whisper words,
>>so no one else can hear them
>They are meant for you,
>and you alone. These two lines are redundant to the one before them.
“I miss you, girl,
I did as I promised,
I came to see you,
smoked a Camel on your grave.
I won’t cry for you,
too many tears have been
shed in this spot.
Instead I’ll give you
my best smile.” Would be nice if you can draw the theme of crying or smiling back to smoking. It seems we're ending up in a different place than the one we aimed for.
* Try: I smile at fond memories/of midnight antics, mooning cars/and unsuspecting pedestrians on the street.
Smoking... literary merits outweigh the practical... |
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natalie
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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Oh wow. That was simply beautiful
When I saw the title I wasn't sure what to expect but this is so touching and special.
If your friend were here to read this poem, I am sure she would be overwhelmed with the friendship and amazing poetic gift you possess.
I would critisize but there is nothing to be critical of. It is simply beautiful. (I know I have already said that but it is true.)
Good Luck
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dailystatic
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| I really really liked it. And the Camel thing is kinda implied, and its a great image. Very personal. I think it's a very real way to mourn someone that you loved that has been gone for a long time. You love them, miss them a lot, but you can't cry anymore, you're healed, and now you can just remember and thank God that you had them. Very nice. |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: |
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Well when i saw the title, i thought "that sounds random...CLICK IT!"
I wasn't expecting anything so deep. The tone of sadness was never lost, but with the camels and the mooning, it seems like you were trying to remember the happy times without being sad about it. Calling her "girl" definitely made it personal, perhaps to an extreme extent. The way you used "girl" made it seem like a pet name, which would obviously imply a very intimate relationship. On the other hand, it could be used like "the girls", which implies a close friendship. Or it could be used like "get over here, girl!", like a command to an inferior. The way you used it seemed almost to encompass all three.
Very nice! *gold star* |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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"Smoking Camels on Your Grave"
Interesting way to personify cigarettes, I like that.
I felt that the poem as a whole was a bit typical, and more imagery is needed to distract the reader for such an overused theme. Like I said, the use of "Camels" instead of cigarettes is a great, great start and you should play on more words in a similar fashion. Engulf yourself in the situation in depth and you will be surprised with the amount of imagery you're able to extract! |
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OverEasy
Rawr! I big scary monster! *stomp stomp stomp*
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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I appreciate all of the people that gave a crit... this isn't a piece I am going to change though. See as a memorial piece it's not really about you as a reader (no offence) I mean I hope you feel something, but the jokes, the words, those are for her. It's not supposed to be brilliant, it's for a single person (and anyone that knew her), not a broad audience. So a lot of it is going to confuse and all that jazz.
Thank you for the advice, but this is going to stay exactly as is. 
Mucho Love
OverEasy |
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Araidne
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| Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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| This is an amazing tribute to your friend. It is so beautiful. |
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