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Blind - Chapter 7
Blind - Chapter 7

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
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This thread was created on August 6, 2008
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A titleless tale (1)

A titleless tale (2) (rewritten)

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deavarna_satina   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:48 am    Post subject: A titleless tale (2) (rewritten) Reply with quote

Here is the second installment! Everything may still seem a little confusing, but I promise you will have full knowledge of the location and situation within the next few installments. I'm trying not to info dump, so bare with me. Anywho, all comments are very welcome. Thanks for reading Very Happy

I don’t know how long I sat in the street, all I knew is that I had forgotten how to move. It was a miracle that no one trod on me. I sat on the hard ground, faintly registering that I was uncomfortable. My back, shoulders and neck were aching from sitting hunched up for so long. I tried to feel my legs and arms, envisioning them moving. Move I demanded. They stayed still. How did I make them do what I wanted? I must’ve been missing something… But did it matter anyway? Why did I even need to move? Could I even move? Maybe movement was something I’d made up to pass the time…

My mind drifted, thoughts flickering to life now-and-again, but discarded quickly. There seemed to be lots of noise, voices shouting. Something ran past me, and then another something. I absorbed these details without thinking much about them. I barely noticed as a pair of cool hands lifted me from the ground. The hands belonged to someone, but I could hardly see them. There was a sort of haze separating us… Wait, was it rain?

There was the sensation that I was travelling, but I wasn‘t consciously moving. When I noticed the warm arms around me I realised I was being carried. I had a feeling it should upset me, but I couldn’t get a grips on why…

When my eyes next came into focus someone was leaning over me, her hands touching my head. I gasped as she put pressure on a spot above my right eye. My surroundings seemed to be jerking around quite a bit. I realized I was shaking. My eyes traced the metal rods that ran across the navy-blue canvas above my head until they drifted out of focus again…

A woman’s quiet sobs where the next thing that entered my awareness. I opened my eyes to find her gripping my arm, her expression taut with worry. Her face broke into a relieved smile when she met my eyes, despite the sobs. I smiled back in recognition. Two men were standing a few steps behind her, talking in hushed tones. I caught the words ‘slight concussion’ and ‘still in shock’.

‘You’re safe now, darling. Sleep,’ the woman crooned. I sighed as my eyes closed, feeling secure under her watchful gaze. I was okay now. The feeling of protection allowed me to obey my mother’s words, and my exhaustion finally carried me to sleep. With my sleep came dreams…

I was standing on a cliff top. A light breeze tousled my hair as I gazed at the man who had tried to attack me. He looked younger in the soft light of the setting sun. There was none of the battle fury in his face and he wore a smile. His brown-and-bronze hair still stood in all directions, but it suited him. The smear of blood was gone from his cheek. My subconscious had preserved a perfect replica of his face, while the rest of the scene remained hazy, the details vague. I felt my heart quicken as I drank in the sight of him. He was holding a large, blue flower. A lotus. He offered it to me.

‘With water, we purify. Though, the emotions entangled are a hindrance as often as a help. The love, too,’ he said, an air of teasing to his voice. His voice was musical and my ears delighted at the sound of it. I tilted my head in consternation, as though it would help me make sense of his words. He laughed at my expression.

‘Take it, it’s yours,’ he encouraged. I took the lotus in my hands and lifted it to my face. The pollen centre shimmered before my eyes. It seemed be composed of something fluid, and it cast a faint glow onto the surrounding petals. I looked up, intending to ask him why the middle wouldn’t stay still. He walked forward a few steps and pressed a finger to my lips.

‘Promise not to scream,’ he whispered, and suddenly he was running. He sprinted to the edge of the cliff with such speed that he was over the brink before I even had a chance to breath.

I woke with a start. I was panting and my heart was racing. I took a few deep breaths, relaxing my tense muscles. While I calmed myself I studied the room I was in. It certainly wasn’t mine. The thick maroon curtains were all but blocking out the sunlight. I was in a single bed with sheets that matched the curtains, facing a tall wardrobe standing against an off-white wall. Upon the bedside table was an elaborate lamp and a bowl of potpourri. It was a familiar room. I had stayed with my Uncle and Aunt many times over the years, but I had no idea what I was doing here now.

As my eyes swept the room I caught sight of my soot-blackened night robe draped over a chair in the corner. I shook my head, trying to rid it of the fuzziness that sleep had brought. Something was pushing at the perimeters of my mind, something which demanded to be acknowledged. Biting my lip, I concentrated on it. The glint of light on metal as is sliced through the air broke through the murkiness and I shuddered. I had a feeling that my suppressed memory was an unpleasant one.

My body ached as I heaved it from the bed and stumbled over to my nightrobe. I rubbed the material between my fingers, frowning at the filth. It smelt of smoke. Memories of the night before came to me in sudden flashes.

The fire. The crush of the mob. The terror of the slaughter. The thundering hooves of the nightmares. I gasped and dropped to the chair as I recalled the adrenaline-filled images. Blood. Screams. A slack-jawed, blank-eyes face. No escape. My body trembled in response and hot tears pricked at my eyes. I had heard stories of attacks from the Sea People, of course. Each attack made the headlines, and they were talked about for many weeks following. But never had I experienced such violence myself. I inhaled deeply, trying to control my sobs. It wasn’t the time to break down. I would need to be strong for Mother. She would be distraught from the loss of her house.

With a pang, I realised there would be nothing left of it. All of my things… the beautiful jewellery box that Anna had given me before she moved away, the writing desk that had been a gift from my parents for my 15th birthday, the scrapbooks full of photos that I had kept so carefully up-to-date… all gone. And my books… There was a particularly nasty stab of pain when I thought of them. My bookshelf full of my favourite books, all dog-eared and worn from being read many times, reduced to a mess of ash. It hurt to know that all my worldly possessions had been lost.

But, then again, others had lost their lives.

Le Helse hadn’t suffered such attack since the rebellion, when King Xavier had stolen the throne of Thyrinia. Under his rule, Thyrinia had been relatively peaceful, mainly due to his establishment of a breed of law-enforcers the land had never seen before; the King’s Guard.

The idea of any form of war had slipped far from everyone’s mind while the Guard roamed the streets.

That was, until, the first attack from the sea had taken place about a year ago. It had been a week from my seventeenth birthday when the Sea People taken the entire country by surprise and turned on the small town of Oceatold. From that moment, a small-scale war had begun and a town was attacked every few weeks. Our former allies, already inspiring wariness and unease among humans, became the demons of the Capricious Ocean.

The image of one such demon crossed my mind. The stormy-blue eyes of a man standing over me, a spear raised to strike. A tingle ran down my spine at the memory, and with it a strange sense of sadness. I would probably never see him again… I mentally thumped myself at that thought.

That’s just ridiculous. How can you feel sad? All you did was look at each other. Oh, and don’t forget that he was about to run you through! I thought as I stood up. I must have inhaled more smoke than I realised.

Mother was sitting at the table with her head in her hands when I entered the dining room. Sorrow stabbed at me, remembering how much effort she had put into making her house her home. I dropped into the chair next to her and put an arm around her shoulders. She jumped at my touch and looked up.

‘Oh, Raewyn. You gave me a fright! How are you feeling?’ she asked, her tired eyes searching my face.

‘I’m fine. No permanent damage,’ I assured her. Her thin brows pulled together in a frown.

‘Except to me! How could you do that Raewyn? Go running back there for that cat! You could have been killed! I was worried sick, especially when you father and I couldn’t find you! When we saw all that blood, I nearly thought you dead. And then in the medical tent, to have the healer tell me my daughter was lucky to survive the attack… What were you thinking?!’ she demanded as she stood suddenly to look down at me. She was a slight and dainty woman. Her every feature was elegant and feminine, from the tight bun in her hair to the small, pointed nose on her face. Her clothes were immaculate, as was her make-up and her soft lips usually wore a smile. The picture-perfect lady. I didn’t take after my mother.

‘I couldn’t leave her, Mother! Can you imagine how horrible it would be to burn alive? I couldn’t condemn her to such a fate! Besides, I’m fine. I didn’t die, so there's nothing to worry about,’ I pleaded. She continued to glare down at me. I sighed. ‘I am sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you.’ The temper melted from her and she embraced me warmly. She had always had trouble holding onto her anger.

‘I’m just glad that your okay,’ she murmured before she released me and sat down again. Aunt Hestia swept into the kitchen at that point, followed by maids armed with breakfast.

‘Good morning, ladies!’ she sang as a plate of scrambled eggs was placed before me. I dug in with enthusiasm, but Mother merely stared down at hers. Aunt Hestia sat across the table from her and clasped her hand.

‘Don’t fret dear, your house will be put to rights in no time, and you can stay here for as long as you wish,’ she soothed and Mother smiled weakly in response. I knew how much she hated to not be in charge of her own house and kitchen. I swallowed a mouthful of scrambled eggs to speak.

‘How bad is it, Mother?’ I asked, dreading the answer. Her hazel eyes grew unnaturally bright as she described the damage to the house.

‘The… the foundations of the walls are left, as well as most of the front of the house, though it’s black with soot. But… but the back of the house is… completely burnt to the ground. And everything in it…. Well, anything left would be completely ruined anyway. At least that means I have an excuse not to use those horrible curtains your grandmother gave me,’ she laughed bitterly as Hestia rubbed her hand consolingly.

‘But how are you feeling, Raewyn?’ Mother asked cautiously. ‘The clean up had already begun by the time your father and I arrived, but there was still so much mess. What happened?’

I put my fork down and stared at my plate. ‘The Sea People, they surrounded a group of us and everyone panicked so… they attacked us. They were so fast and they were everywhere and… there was nowhere to go… there were so many… the screams…’ My babbling lost all coherence as my words turned into sobs. Mother wrapped her arms around my shaking form as tears poured down my face at the memory. The fear… the wailing… the blood…

‘Hush sweetheart, it’s alright,’ she murmured, stroking my hair. I took a deep breath and forced open my eyes. I was not about to fall to pieces, not when things were hard enough. Crying had never changed the past and it wouldn’t help the future.

With effort I stilled my sobs and cut off the flow of tears. I pulled back from Mother and smiled in what I hoped was reassurance. She smiled back.

‘Good girl. No more tears. You can’t change what has passed. We will all have to make the best of what has happened.’ I concentrated on my breathing for a moment, making sure I was fully in control.

‘How much harm did the fire do?’ I asked. Aunt Hestia answered this one.

‘We aren’t sure yet as to the amount of damage, but it travelled all the way from the shore to Brattle Views before the lads got it under control. And it was a good two hundred meters wide, too,’ she said.

My Aunt was a woman who thoroughly enjoyed the luxuries of wealth, and her indulgences showed on her appearance. She was a little too fond of sweet buns and her neck, wrists and chubby fingers were adorned with many items of a gold and glistening nature. She wore her dark-blonde hair piled elaborately atop her head, secured with colourful pins. Her plump lips seemed to know everything that was happening to everyone, and they didn’t mind to share.

‘Do we know yet how… how many people were killed?’ I enquired tentatively.

‘Well I was having a chat with Clayton Delphus just this morning. His son was one of the Guard on duty last night, and he said that there are fourteen dead, more wounded. Humans, that is. They managed to take down two of those ruddy sea demons, as well,’ Hestia replied avidly. I choked on the water I was attempting to sip. Mother rubbed my back while I cleared it from my lungs.

‘Good gods, girl, are you alright?’ Aunt Hestia said, eyeing me in concern. I ignored the question, trying to process the sudden fear that had sprouted within me.

Two of those ruddy sea demons…

I couldn’t tell if I was more worried about the identity of those sea demons, or about the fact that I cared.

‘Well they burnt down half of Pairndee and killed off six-and-twenty when they attacked there, so we should consider ourselves lucky,’ Mother remarked. Hestia nodded.

‘You aren’t wrong, Lilly. We are certainly lucky we have such an efficient Guard Squad. If we had Pairndee’s, we wouldn’t have gotten off so lightly. And then who knows what would have happened to Raewyn?’

I remembered the way some of the ‘efficient’ Guard had trampled townsfolk, and wondered how many of the fourteen dead were killed by our heroes.

‘Do we know why they keep attacking us yet? Have they made demands or something?’ I asked. Hestia frowned in perplexity.

‘Well that’s the big question, isn’t it? What do they want?’


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The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~ a Titleless Tale


Last edited by deavarna_satina on Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:39 am; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 6:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey there,
Thanks for letting me know that it was out. I was waiting for it and no I haven't forgotten what it is about.
My review is as follows :

1. I don't exactly know why the starting doesn't seem to connect with the last chapter's ending. Maybe you should start from when she woke in this tent and give it's descriptions. I am not saying it was bad though !

2. This story, i think, has this fantasy setting (duh !, silly me) and with it you put this tent in which she woke up. so when i read this :
Quote:
She wrapped her arms tightly around my shivering form while the medic assured my Father that I was merely in shock and had no serious injuries.

I thought she was actually in hospital or something. Instead, try and make it according to the setting. Now why would a hospital type of thing be in a fantasy land ?

3.
Quote:
With my sleep came dreams.
instead of full stop, put this "..........". It gives a bit more stability.

4. I love how you give the descriptions in the dream, I can almost see it myself.
Quote:
‘Promise not to scream,’
, I like this too, since he is one of the sea people this is exactly what he would say. I like the way you stick to your characters classification, unlike me !

5. The rest was just wonderful. Just keep on writing this way and never stop, the readers will definately not be pleased. By the way, who is anna ? I think I have to wait and keep reading to know. one thing I would suggest is that don't put "i" in the begginning of most of the sentences. This distracts the reader. Instead put other words that suit well to the story.
Once again this chapter was very nice. Remember, please tell me when the next part is out ?

-budding

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lhighton   View This User's Portfolio
not much up top.
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! Thanks for the PM.

The opening paragraph totally drew me in. It has a dreaminess to it - I like that. Only, like budding writer, in parts, I got confused.
I think one of the hardest to gain an understanding of was where this is set, one time, and if there are meant to be aspects of the real world. I mean, when I think Sea Demons, I think fantasy; I think a different plane of existence. However, this is a passage from your story:

Quote:
I was half-carried into a carriage that brought us into the home of my Uncle. I remember my Aunt Marie’s murmurs of sympathy as my mother described the damage that our house sustained,


Carriages, houses, aunt and uncles... All very well and good, all acceptable, but it'd be nice if you cleared up what's going on. Fro example, the MC is called Raewyn (sounds fantasy-esque, kind of Lord of the Rings) and yet her aunt has a very normal, very conventional name (Marie).
The people also speak very anglosised. A bit like the 1940s. Again, I'd like to know the setting, the time-frame.

I think what made this less impacting than the first installment is that there was no encounter with that particular Sea Demon. After all, what your piece relied on was the unspoken passion, the tension. Without it... you see?

On the other hand, it was promising, and a successful build up, I hope, to another fabulous installment, hopefully another heart-thudding encounter.... yay!

Please PM with the next piece. Many thanks for letting me read it!


L x
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deavarna_satina   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 10:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks heaps for your comments guys. I did a bit of a re-write and I'm trying to make things clearer, but I have a feeling I'm a few more edits away before I get this part quite right. Anyhoo, thanks again! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 6:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
‘Except to me! How could you do that Raewyn? Go running back their for that cat! You could have been killed! I


their should be there

Quote:
Besides, I’m fine, I didn’t die, so you’ve got nothing to worry about,’ I pleaded up at her cross face.


I think it would be easier if I just gave you a suggestion on how to correct this...

Besides, I'm fine! I didn't die, so there's nothing to worry about." I pleaded as she stared at me with a cross face.

Quote:
‘How bad is it, Mother?’ I asked, dreading the answer. Her chocolate-brown eyes grew unnaturally bright as she described the damage to the house.


I think you could have picked a better word to describe her eyes, like Hazel, deep, dark, piercing, or something more vivid than chocolate.

Quote:
At least that means I have an excuse not to use those horrible curtains your grandmother gave me,’ she laughed bitterly as Hestia rubbed her hand consolingly.


you need a period after grang mother gave me. I see this many times in this chapter. You tend to use a comma after someone completes a statement.

Now, this is just me but I believe that the proper way to quote something is using "this" I did notice alot of problems with your dialoge grammar and found an article in YWS that may help you with that
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=19430
it really helped me.

Quote:
The fear… the wailing… the !!!blood…!!!


I would take out the first set of explanation points and say something more like this
"The fear.. the wailing"she paused to let out a large cry "the...BLOOD!"

Quote:
‘Hush, sweetheart, it’s alright,’ she murmured, stroking my hair.


I would take out the comma after hush.

Quote:
‘Good girl. No more tears. You can’t change what has past. We will all have to make the best of what has happened.’ I concentrated on my breathing for a moment, making sure I was fully in control before I asked of the extent of the damage.


First, you need to either change past to passed or change it to you can't change the past

Second, I feel like you repeating you self be asking the extent of the damage, when you just asked "how bad is it?" I know one your asking about the house in particular and in the other the house as a whole, but it still made me wonder because for a second I thought I was reading the preveous line over again.

Quote:
‘We aren’t sure yet as to the amount of damage, but it travelled all the way from the shore to Brattle Views before the lads got it under control. And it was a good two hundred meters wide, too,’ she said.


please remember that once someone has completed a thought you need and ending punctuation, followed by end quotation marks "

Quote:
She wore her dark-blonde hair piled elaborately atop her head, secured with colourful pins


I believe atop should be on top of and I think it would sound better if you sayed secured with many colorful pins and I am unclear to whether you are writing in american english or UK english but if it is american colourful is colorful but as far as UK goes thats right.
I apologize if I made any incorrect corrections because of the differences if that is the case.

Quote:
‘Good gods, girl, are you alright?’ Aunt Hestia said, eyeing me in concern. I ignored the question, trying to process the sudden fear that had sprouted within me.


that would be good god.

Well, that's enough of my correcting. on a positive note I positivly adored this story! I am looking forward to the next chapter, and I hated making all these corrections but I really just want to help. Honestly if this was a book I would buy it... well if it had a few more chapters! : ) good luck can;t wait to see what happens next!
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