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 Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: Gray (I) |
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(This is my first play ever written, and needs a lot of help. If you review, please be blunt about it and tell me what's wrong so I can fix it. If you won't review, enjoy it the best you can! haha)
Gray
Scene I
(Lights up. Four cells, the first two are occupied by SAGE and MUTE. Mute is thumbing a stone, a stained blindfold over his eyes. Sage is sitting against the wall, looking at nothing. The next cell is empty, but the last one holds PRATE, who is furiously making twine.)
MUTE: You up, Sage?
SAGE: Yes, I’m up.
MUTE: S’there light comin’ from the window?
SAGE: Yes, there’s light.
MUTE: What’s it look like?
SAGE: Silver. It’s cloudy today. Why? What’s wrong?
MUTE: You always ask me what’s wrong when I talk to you. That’s what’s wrong.
SAGE: (smiles) I’m sorry. I’ll stop.
MUTE: (Good-naturedly) Quit smilin’, it makes me nervous.
SAGE: How do you know I’m smiling?
MUTE: S’not natural for you to smile. Are you mockin’ me?
SAGE: Why would I mock you?
MUTE: Nah, you’re not, I can tell. S’in your voice.
SAGE: Then why scare me?
MUTE: Why do you always ask questions?
SAGE: (smiles) Because I don’t know the answers.
MUTE: That was a pretty good answer, right there.
(Sage chuckles.)
MUTE: S’that cell still empty?
SAGE: You ask me this every—
MUTE: Is it?
SAGE: (beat) Yes. Still empty. (pause) Are we not good enough company for you?
MUTE: Who’s the we? (remembers) Oh. (pause) What’s he doin’?
SAGE: The usual.
MUTE: What’re you doin’?
SAGE: Thinking and staring.
MUTE: At what?
SAGE: Nothing. What’s there to look at?
MUTE: What are you thinkin’, then? (he’s suddenly alert, not giving Sage a chance to answer.) D’ya hear that?
SAGE: (listens, but hears nothing.) What?
MUTE: They’re openin’ the door…
SAGE: Really?
MUTE: Yeah.
SAGE: I can’t hear it…
MUTE: Someone’s with ‘em.
SAGE: How can you tell?
MUTE: Scufflin’, he is. Prob’ly a prisoner.
SAGE: There’s no noise…
MUTE: Don’t need to drag a guard down here, do they? I mean, they’re not prisoners, are they? They come willin’ly…
SAGE: Wait…I hear them!
(Sage stands, pressing against the bars in curiosity. Mute gets up shakily and walks over to the side closest to Sage’s cell, pushing a hand through the bars, looking for him. Prate has stopped making twine, suddenly erect, looking offstage L with apprehension.)
MUTE: You there?
SAGE: (absently) Yes, I’m here.
(Two guards with clubs enter, holding BLAINE between them. Blaine has his hands tied behind his back and he’s gagged. The guards open the door to the empty cell and toss him in. Mute hears a cell door open and gets concerned.)
MUTE: Sage? What’s going on? What’s happening? (pauses, gets nervous) You said you were there! Why aren’t you—?
(One guard bangs his club against the bars of Mute’s cell door, making a loud clanging sound. Mute jerks back, away from Sage’s cell. The guards close Blaine’s cell door and exit.)
MUTE: (tentatively) Sage? What’s going on?
(Sage doesn’t answer. He leans against the right side of his cell, the wall adjacent to Blaine’s. Blaine is leaning against the back wall, eyes closed.)
MUTE: (desperately) Sage! Where are you?
(Sage starts, realizing that he has left Mute in the dark, and runs to the other side of his cell, taking Mute’s fingers. Mute relaxes instantly.)
SAGE: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!
MUTE: I…I thought…
SAGE: Mute, I’m very sorry…
MUTE: It’s fine. Really. What’s goin’ on?
SAGE: New prisoner.
MUTE: (excited) Did he get the window?
SAGE: Yes, he got the window.
MUTE: What’s he doin’?
SAGE: Nothing. They tied him up too well. Give me a minute.
(Sage lets go of Mute, who reluctantly lets him go. Sage moves over to Blaine’s side.)
SAGE: Hello? Can you hear me?
(Blaine turns.)
SAGE: Come a bit closer, I can get those ropes off you.
(Blaine hesitates, suspicious)
SAGE: What am I going to do to you? Honestly. I don’t have a weapon, do I? And why would I hurt you?
(Blaine hesitates, but eventually walks over to him, wary.)
SAGE: Now turn around for me, please. I can’t reach that far.
(Blaine turns around, watching Sage over his shoulder, impatient and suspicious. Sage patiently unties the rope. As soon as they’re off, Blaine pulls his hands away and rips the gag off his mouth.)
BLAINE: Where do they keep the keys?
SAGE: Those are interesting first words.
BLAINE: Where do they keep the damn keys?
SAGE: You’re welcome for setting you free.
BLAINE: I’m serious!
SAGE: Why are you so eager to know?
BLAINE: Why do you think?
SAGE: (beat) Ah. Thinking of escape?
BLAINE: Damn right I’m thinking of escape! How firm are these bars?
SAGE: Very firm.
BLAINE: How firm are the bars in the window, then?
SAGE: Climb up the wall and try them yourself.
BLAINE: (glances high up the wall behind him to the imaginary window) Don’t think I won’t.
MUTE: What’s goin’ on?
SAGE: Feisty one, that’s all.
MUTE: ‘Nother escaper?
SAGE: Yes.
BLAINE: The walls can’t be that smooth…
MUTE: Nah, not smooth. But they’re pretty slippery, you know? Lots o’ moss.
BLAINE: I could probably climb up these bars on the side, here…
MUTE: Just wait ‘til winter. Coated with ice, with all that water. Well, rain’ll come first…that makes ‘em slippery, too. Impossible to climb.
BLAINE: Will you shut the hell up?
(The smile is wiped off Mute’s face. Sage turns on Blaine, annoyed.)
SAGE: Listen, you’re not a guard here. You’re just as low as any of us.
BLAINE: I’ll be a free man, soon, you have my word.
SAGE: Don’t be ridiculous, no one escapes. Look, you’re stuck here with the rest of us. We’ve all tried escaping, and it never worked. You’re a prisoner, like us, and they’ll do whatever they can to keep you from getting out.
BLAINE: Prisoners have the upper hand, though.
SAGE: What, isolation?
BLAINE: No, focus. A guard has a hundred prisoners to look after; make sure they don’t rebel or try to escape or get friendly with a guard. But a prisoner…the only thing on a prisoner’s mind is escape.
SAGE: It’s never the only thought.
MUTE: Sage?
SAGE: (beat) I’m here.
MUTE: Good.
BLAINE: Annoying little tyke, isn’t he?
SAGE: (casts him a dirty look, but continues to address Mute) I’ve always been here, Mute. I’ve never left.
BLAINE: Where else would you go?
(Mute is quiet)
SAGE: What’s your name?
BLAINE: Pardon?
SAGE: My name’s Sage, if it makes you feel better.
BLAINE: (beat) Blaine. What does it matter to you?
SAGE: (shrugs) We don’t get very many people around here. It’s nice to have someone new to talk to. This is Mute, here, and the one beyond your cell is Prate.
BLAINE: (turns to Prate) How are you?
SAGE: He doesn’t talk.
BLAINE: So you named the one that doesn’t talk Prate, and the one that won’t shut up Mute. That was clever.
MUTE: (quietly) I don’t talk that much.
BLAINE: Shut the hell up!
SAGE: Honestly…
BLAINE: You shut the hell up, too!
SAGE: No. You’re a prisoner, just like me, just like Mute. You have no power to give us orders.
BLAINE: Damn it, why can’t there be more people like Prate in here?
SAGE: We’d all go insane. Everyone needs to hear someone else’s voice, especially if they’ve
been in prison for a long time.
BLAINE: Well, aren’t you wise.
MUTE: (defensively) Oh, he is, he is!
SAGE: Mute…
MUTE: He can read, can you? Betcha you can’t!
BLAINE: Oh, he can read? (Mute nods proudly) Apparently he wasn’t smart enough to keep himself out of this place, now, was he?
SAGE: You weren’t, either.
BLAINE: Shut the hell up.
SAGE: Is that all you can say?
BLAINE: (more to himself than anyone else) Wasn’t my fault, anyway. No logical man would’ve seen it coming.
(I do have two questions that would help me a lot. Can you tell how old they are? Like, are their ages clear? And am I using too many (beat)s?
Thanks for reading!! I really appreciate it! |
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Kylan
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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Hello there!
Can you tell how old they are? Like, are their ages clear?
I'm guessing they're in their mid-thirties to forties, but I have a feeling you were intending them to be teenagers, right?
And am I using too many (beat)s?
No. Besides, it's your play and you can use as few or as many stage directions as you'd like.
[All lights, all camera, and no action]
Your first play, huh? I've tried to write plays once or twice, though they usually sputter out once I get ten-fifteen pages into them. They're considerably different than writing a story or a poem. Dialogue is a tricky thing to master and once you have the basics down, new playwrights need to learn how to use dialogue to move the plot forward and how to entertain the audience.
The dialogue here is vaguely interesting. I think your main flaw, however, is a lack of real action or profound character development. From start to finish, the only the thing that changes in the story line is that a new character is introduced. Otherwise, all you have is about ten minutes worth of witty stings spoken in cockney accents. Also, if your characters are adults, they act pretty immature, especially for criminals.
[The Name Game]
At one point here, you introduce your character's names to Blaine. This is a very storybook-esque thing to do, and what's more, it fails to contribute anything valuable to the plot. Please, cut the introductions out. They smack of amateurity.
Also, try not to name your characters after their personality traits, or the opposite of. Mute is a talker, Prate is a mute, and Sage is stupid. Don't go there.
[The Nitty-Gritty]
| Quote: |
MUTE: S’not natural for you to smile. Are you mockin’ me?
SAGE: Why would I mock you |
This sounds false. Perhaps it's the use of the word mocking. Perhaps it's because Mute dropped his 'g'. Whatever the reason, I don't like this exchange.
| Quote: |
| (beat) Yes. Still empty. (pause) |
(Beat) and (Pause) to my knowledge mean the same thing. Chose between the two.
| Quote: |
SAGE: You’re welcome for setting you free. |
Just leave it at 'You're welcome'.
| Quote: |
SAGE: Why are you so eager to know?
BLAINE: Why do you think?
SAGE: (beat) Ah. Thinking of escape? |
This is just dumb for the sake of being dumb. Please, this isn't funny. Sage can't be that stupid and I imagine that exchange falling very flat on stage for some reason.
What? Have you ever seen prison cells with moss on the walls? I dunno, but that description doesn't work for me. And just extend "o'" to "of" please.
| Quote: |
| BLAINE: (turns to Prate) How are you? |
This is a complete personality switch for Blaine. First he's frantic and hardened and in a hurry and then the next minute he decides to stay and chat a while instead of pressing for what he wants.
Anyway, let me know when you post part two!
-Kylan |
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Novelist
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: |
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Haha thank you very, very much. That helped a lot. Like, you have no idea how much that helped.
But Sage isn't stupid....he's educated...Dangit. -.- I'll see what I can do to fix that. I don't want my audience to think a character is stupid when he's actually very, very smart.
Thank you sooo much!! |
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kittykat
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry that this will be a short crit and not very helpful. 
Anyway... I really liked it. ^_^ About the age, I wasn't so sure if I really thought about it. I wouldn't guess in the twenties, but then again it could be teenagers. But then again they do seem sort of older than that. Not too old, but... older. It's kind of hard to explain it. 
At first I actually thought Sage was a girl, just because of the name though. I was wondering what else Prate was doing throughout the play actually. Even though I know you meant for him to the quiet one who doesn't talk, I was just naturally curious. By the way, why does Mute have a blind fold on? Did something happen to his eyes? *starts to feel like is critiquing this like a story* Sorry, I don't usually crit scripts.
Oh! I almost forgot to add that I don't think you were puting too many (beat)s. As Kylan had said, it's your script and since you wrote it you should be able to decide how many you think is needed. There's not a specific amout of beats that your allowed to have, just don't go crazy with them. 
Overall, I liked it. ^_^ Tell me when you post more!
-kittykat |
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RoryLegend
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: |
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Hello!
Disclaimer: I do not know how to really crit a play..I write mostly movie scripts..so I will do my best. Sorry if some stuff is wrong.
The age question:
I feel like Sage is maybe mid to late thirties
Mute is about sixty
Prate is somewhere inbetween
and Blaine is twenties
The "beat" question:
Here is the thing, I don't think it is necessary to put any of those types of things in a script. You have a lot of (beat)'s and (smiles)'s and other directions in parenthesis. I think yeah it helps when you are reading to get the feelings down easier. But the thing is when an audience sees this play they aren't going to have the script to tell them the emmotions or what the people are doing. The audience has to see it for themselves. Also as the writer all you are doing is giving the characters and the story to the actors and directors and such. You should leave it up to the actors to some extent to think about how they think the character would feel or what they would do at certain times. That is just my opinion, it is your play so it is all up to you.
I really like this though, I think it is going to be a good play the only thing right now is I can't really see where it is going..I can see them all trying to escape but not till later on. For right now I feel like this is a mental story, you really have to think about what is going on.
Be careful...
All of your characters are in a cell, a very small, confined space. You have to use that space constructively and make it work for them. I think I do see an escape in the future with this new guy coming in, but wait for the right moment, don't rush. You can really do a lot with them stuck in their cells, really mess with their minds. Especially Blain, I feel like he could really lose it before they make it out of there. |
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The Cheshire Cat
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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I really love this so far. I love the interaction between Sage and Mute. Mute's fear every time he thought Sage was gone really touched me. I know I'd be the same way if I had been locked up.
As for critique, nothing big jumped out at me.
| Quote: |
SAGE: Why are you so eager to know?
BLAINE: Why do you think?
SAGE: (beat) Ah. Thinking of escape?
This is just dumb for the sake of being dumb. Please, this isn't funny. Sage can't be that stupid and I imagine that exchange falling very flat on stage for some reason. |
This struck me as Sage being more sarcastic then dumb. Like "Oh great, another idiot who thinks he can escape." Or perhaps humoring Blaine.
As for the beats, this is YOUR work of art. Throw in as many as you like! What may not have worked for Shakespeare may work terrifically for you. I've seen plenty of scripts where the writer adds in all sorts of 'smiles' or 'giggles girlishly' or something, and it works.
I pictured the characters in their late twenties, but looking much older due to being locked up and neglected.
I'll be going to read your other chapters now. Can't wait! |
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