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Swallow Me Forever
Swallow Me Forever

by guitargrl1323 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on August 5, 2008
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Love Is Sour

Topic ID: 34018
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angelfromsomewhere   View This User's Portfolio
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Age: 14
Joined: 05 Aug 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 2:04 pm    Post subject: Love Is Sour Reply with quote

A girl kneels, crying in the rain, her silhouette perfectly shaped by the moonlight. She has her arms wrapped protectively around her shivering body. She gasps as the tears run down her cheeks, mingling with the dirty rain water. She doesn't really know how long she has been there. When a person is sad, they seem to lose all sense of time. All she knows is that the pain won't go away. Things will never be the same. Not now, not ever.

She thinks back to when they first met, two years ago. His gentle touch had always soothed her. Then his sweet kisses: passionate, but always tender. The way his arms enveloped her in a warm embrace...

"Karen?" She spins her head around, a look of fear in her eyes. She puts her hands up against her face, as if trying to protect herself.

“Don’t come near me, Darryl! Stay away!” she shouts. He shudders violently.

“I’m sorry Karen. I should never have told you…” he starts, noticing the deep red gash on her arm. He reaches out to touch it. She wrenches her arm away in disgust.

“Don’t touch me!” she screeches hysterically. Darryl sighs. He hated seeing her like this. But he can’t let her go on hating him without understanding. He kneels down beside her.

“I can’t…I wish…I’m sorry.” He can’t think what to say. She stares at him in disbelief.

“I’m…sorry? I’M SORRY?! How can that possibly make up for what you’ve done?” she spits.

“I…I’m…” It’s too hard.

“Let me guess! ‘I’m sorry’. She stands and turns towards him. She tries desperately to look in control, but he can tell she is hunched over, arms folded to comfort herself.

“Well…what else can I say?” he asks exasperatedly.

“This is more about what you could have said. You could have told me that every time you get upset you turn into a monster and lash out at anyone you see. You could have told me on our first date. You could have told me when I told you I love you. But when did you tell me? Just now, when you tried to kill me!” she screams at the top of her voice.

He starts to sweat.

“Please don’t make me angry!” he pleads. He knows what will happen if she does. She knows as well, but she can’t seem to stop. All that pent up anger bubbling away inside her just kept spilling out.

“Or what?! You’ll turn into Khash again, and try to kill me, again. Well go on then kill, me its better than living another day with you!” She stops watching in horror as Darryl’s skin starts to change. It bubbles as if something is breaking through to the surface. He lurches forward, hands clasped to his chest. He falls onto his hands and knees, jerking from side to side. Karen’s eyes are as big as dishes. Had she really pushed it too far? She hears that noise. That horrible sound of flesh mingling with blood and bone, as the transformation takes place. She wishes she could run, but where to? Into the forest, where he would track her down then brutally kill her? Into the house where she would be cornered and ripped to shreds? She has a better chance trying to trying to talk to him, like last time. She turns around to come face to face with Darryl’s monster form, Khash. He stands seven feet tall. He looks like he has a lions head, but instead of a mane, is a head of thick black spikes; one head-butt is all it takes to kill someone. His body is that of a human, but black and sleek in colour. His muscles can crush any living thing. This is Khash. And he is ready to kill.

Only moments later, Darryl kneels staring remorsefully at Karen’s lifeless body. He is holding his throat in an attempt to stop the choking tears. He is shuddering violently. Why her? The one girl who loved him, whom he had loved back and he had killed her. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t ask to be like this. He never wanted that impious Khash to be a part of him. Who would? If it wasn't for that stupid abortion... She killed his baby, so Khash had killed her. He leans forward to stroke Karen’s forehead. She was…so beautiful, even in death. He looks at her broken neck with self-loathing. At least he knows it had been quick, even if her heart was broken.

“I always loved you, Karen” he whispers lovingly. Then he stands up and walks away. There is no point in staying any longer. He knows she won’t be getting up again.



Last edited by angelfromsomewhere on Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
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mizz-iceberg   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:53 pm    Post subject: Re: Love Is Sour Reply with quote

Hello there! New member, I see. Great to see you.

Alright to the review then:

Quote:

“I can’t…I wish…I’m sorry.” He can’t think of what to say. She stares at him in disbelief.


Added the 'of' there.

Quote:
“Let me guess! ‘I’m sorry’. She stands and turns towards him. She tries desperately to look in control, but he can see she was hunched over, arms folded to comfort herself.


Instead of 'he can see' try 'he can tell'; because he can't actually SEE her hunched over, arms folded. Well that's the impression I got...

Quote:
“Or what?! You’ll turn into Khash again, and try to kill me, again. Well go on then kill, me its better than living another day with you!”


Misplaced comma i think. And 'its' is supposed to be 'it's'.

Quote:
She has a better chance trying to trying to talk to him, like last time

You'll probably note all these mistakes in your writing yourself, very easily if you reread this slowly, out loud.


Overall this an okay piece it can be better if you pay more attention to the following areas:

Characterization: I don't know much about Karen and Darryl. they are pretty flat characters. Flesh them out. Get to know them more. Make them real!

Emotions: We need more emotions. Yes there is a crying scene but there isn't a satisfying amount of emotion from Darryl.
Quote:

Then he stands up and walks away. There is no point in staying any longer. He knows she won’t be getting up again.


That's really not fair. You rushed the ending. If he loves her so much there should be more remorse. Realistic emotions. He should be having suicidal thoughts. Clutching at his hair. Yelling. Tears etc.

We also need more background about Darryl and Karen's relationship. We need to know how they feel towards each other. Make us care about them. And remember show don't tell.

For example you TOLD us he felt remorseful. But in his actions there wasn't much remorse. There was some, but not much. It could be the death of his beloved pet fish given to him by Uncle Albert for that matter. We need more emotions. More feeling! I hope you understand what I mean.


Now the good stuff:
You've got an interesting plot here, though not exactly unique but interesting nonetheless. Just build some more on it and you'll have a very nice piece. I hope you continue this. I would be very happy to read, if you post more of this story. Send a pm my way when or if you do.

Very Happy

Keep writing, keep reading, keep posting and PM me if you have any questions.

Oh and Welcome to YWS!

-Mizz Iceberg

_________________
Do all the good you can, By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can, In all the places you can,
At all the times you can, To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.
-John Wesley
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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
No, I said " 'Allo"...
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, hello...

To start off, YWS has a policy of leaving 2 reviews on other people's works before posting 1 of your own. That was everyone has a chanced to get reviewed. So hop to it and get reviewing!

Yeah, I'd have to agree with Mzz above me about fleshing out the characters. Make us care about them. You may have to lengthen the piece a bit to do so, since we kind of need to see them in action to care about them.

Their emotions need to be more fully described. I didn't understand that Darryl was getting angry with her until he changed forms again. Why exactly is he angry with her now? Is it because she's not listening to him? Is he angry with himself? I was confused.

Quote:
An hour later Darryl kneels staring remorsefully at Karen's lifeless body.


Did it really take him an entire hour to kill her? I thought her death was quick... Though he might have mauled her, which would take a bit longer, but I can't see it taking an hour. But if he mauled her, she wouldn't still be beautiful, no sirree.

You need a few commas placed in there.

"An hour later, Darryl kneels, staring remorsefully at Karen's lifeless body."

Quote:
"I always loved you, Karen," he whispered lovingly.


You don't need the "lovingly" there at the end of the sentence. We already get that he loves her, since he says as much in the dialogue. You could just have "he whispered." The reader will get it.

Anyway, this was interesting. I'd love to see how Darryl got to be like this and see more of his relationship with Karen before this happened. Develop and flesh out this thing and it could be really neat.

*thumbs up* Good luck with your writing and welcome to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

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Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here!
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This thread was created on August 5, 2008

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