Topic ID: 34008
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neophilic
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Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
Country: Kuwait
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:47 am Post subject: confused. |
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Perfection
is the ache
in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences
for the loss of self-worth
then
bids farewell without leaving.
Worthlessness
is a feeling unbeknownst to
happy,
genuine,
perfect
people.
Guilt
comes in packages so small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome-
simply injects itself into the skin
and spreads like a disease.
Depression
rhymes with confusion;
gives the same effect as
a gender-confused purple lion
drifting in the sea. |
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andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 569
Reviews: 115
Country: England
331 Points
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 11:21 am Post subject: |
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You need to do 2 reviews before you can post something =] so go review 2 things for this post. Your ratio between posts and reviews should always be 1:2 at least.
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Perfection
is the ache
in my chest.
Beats alongside my heart and
keeps the misery company.
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Good start, I like especially "keeps the misery company" - this poem has resonances for me, definately. I like the idea of perfection burning against the sadness - is that the need for perfection, the lack of it, the distance from it? I'd be interested to know.
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Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences
for the loss of self-worth
then
bids farewell without leaving. |
Bids farewell without leaving? What does that mean really? What are you trying to say. Good personification though =] gives condolences for the loss of self-worth - lovely.
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Worthlessness
is a feeling unbeknownst to
happy,
genuine,
perfect
people. |
I wasn't sure abut this stanza to be honest, it seems a bit meaninfless. Kind of stating the obvious.
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Guilt
comes in packages so small.
It makes no entrance,
it gives no welcome-
simply injects itself into the skin
and spreads like a disease. |
There's a great image here of guilt as a disease - I'd like it better if you showed this as a metaphor rather than a simile - it'd make it more subtle and less like s simple statement of fact.
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Depression
rhymes with confusion;
gives the same effect as
a gender-confused purple lion
drifting in the sea. |
A gender confused purple lion? This totally threw me - way outside of the voice of this poem, I don't like it at all >.> makes this a bit of a blah ending, the rest of the poem was much better than this! |
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singing_hope
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 5:01 am Post subject: |
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| I loved this. These feelings are explained all too well. I completely understand the second stanza and "bids farewell without leaving." I just wished you could have added one last stanza kind of tying everything together; perhaps in a few lines explaning what all these feelings have done to you or where they have lead you...perhaps if through the struggle of enduring them you learned something new, you gained a new hope, or maybe you're still feeling down...I just don't feel like it's complete just yet. The last line I am a bit confused with. I don't know if the "purple lion" thing is supposed to be something personal, but if it's not I don't get it! Otherwise, well written and very well explained. Good job! |
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[deleted3]
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Country: United States
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 8:53 am Post subject: |
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Pretty good piece.
Worthlessness
is a feeling unbeknownst to
happy,
genuine,
perfect
people.
This part really bothered me, it just did not fit in with the whole poem at all to me.
Failure
visits too often.
Gives condolences
for the loss of self-worth
then
bids farewell without leaving.
This was by far your best stanza, bids farewell without leaving, that's great -- that big emptiness?
I'd have to agree with the other review about the ending. It's not that I didn't like the line I just didn't like it within the context of the poem as a whole.
Very nice though, I enjoyed reading this. |
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neophilic
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Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 14
Reviews: 6
Country: Kuwait
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your replies =]
The last stanza was meant to show about the confession a depressed person might feel, although I didn't like it very much either. I'll be revising it a bit and will post my revisions as soon as possible.
Thanks again! |
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