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To Dream The Dreams of Others
To Dream The Dreams of Others

by Cat_910 in Lyrics
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This thread was created on August 4, 2008
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A Bittersweet Tragedy-Preface

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Merry_Haven   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:20 pm    Post subject: A Bittersweet Tragedy-Preface Reply with quote

~This is edited.~

For me, everything looked like a Winter Wonderland. Through my emerald colored eyes I saw the tall, green trees that were filled from top to bottom with white snow. Even the tree branches had large, clear snow crystals that hung from it.

Every Winter, Cale and me knew that the snow would always fall from the gray colored sky making the snowflakes unique from each other. Not one of them being the same as the other.

Every year we would catch snowflakes on our tongues. We would giggle and laugh showing how childish we were. Those were the fun times in our lives.

Being my best friend, Cale always had snow on his ash blond hair. We were best friends since elementary school and our parents knew each other. So we always got to hang out and play at our houses. Those childhood memories of Cale and me were always the best.

Walking through the knee deep snow was hard and our legs felt heavy as we pushed ourselves to make our snowman. This year we were making our annual snowman at Cale's backyard next to the lake. Every year we would switch places where it would be at, so last year was at mine.

Of course we had the the orange carrot for a nose, black buttons for the make believe jacket, a brown scarf to be around it's puffy neck, and a random stick we used for it's cane. Our snowman always looked the same year after year.

I felt Cale tap his gloved hand on my shoulder and turned to my side to look at him. “Sadie, you forgot the small rocks for the mouth.”

“Huh?” I spoke softly as I paused for a second to remember what he was talking about. “Oh, yeah. I knew I forgot something. Do you have them Cale?” My voice reached a little higher as I spoke the first sentence.

Cale's turquoise colored eyes shined a little brighter. “Here.” I took the small rocks from his gloved hand and placed them one by one on the snowman's face. We were now done. “Cool.” His smile got bigger as congratulated each other on our efforts of our snowman.

I spoke happily to him, “I think our snowman looks great.” My smile was always big as his.

We then pulled our glued eyes away from our plump snowman and looked around the backyard. My eyes flickered towards the lake and when I turned to face Cale his smile had disappeared. Cale's mom told us to be very careful if we wanted to go ice skating. “Wanna go ice skating, Cale?”

“Ah, come on, Sadie. That's for girls.” I saw him roll his eyes as he moaned.

“Cale, I am a girl.” I pronounced every word slowly for him to hear me correctly. “Come on. It's not going to be that bad. Just give it ten minutes, okay?” I was trying my best to convince him.

He took a deep breath in. “Fine, Sadie but only for ten minutes.”

I smiled at my best friend and we headed down to the edge of the lake to put our skates on.

Cale's mom and dad told us that the lake was completely frozen solid and all we had to do was have fun.

After sliding on our skates that Cale's parents provided we walked slowly onto the frozen lake.

“Whoa.” We both said as we tried to balance ourselves.

“This is harder then I thought.” I spoke loudly through the fierce wind.

A few minutes went by and I was skating around with the cold wind blowing through my blond hair. I felt relaxed and happy and knew nothing could take that away from me.

Time passed and I looked at Cale who was surprisingly skating really well. Where did he get this talent from? No longer was he upset but now happy as before. He seemed to enjoy our time together. I smiled and waved and Cale waved back.

Then without himself noticing, Cale had fell on his bottom. I rushed to his side but instead he was laughing. “What's so funny Cale?” I couldn't help but laugh too.

“I thought I was doing pretty good.” His warm smile had brighten my worried mood.

Suddenly we heard the sound of a crack. I immediately looked to my side and saw the lake cracking. A rush of panic rose within me. “Oh my god, Cale. We need to get out of here!”

“Help me up Sadie.” His voice was now frightened as I grabbed his gloved hand and pushed him up.

“Come on Cale! We need to get off this lake.”

We started skating with all our might to reach the edge of the lake but Cale was too slow. The second I turned around to grab his arm to free him, he was already falling into the freezing lake. “Sadie, help me!”

“No, Cale!” I ran to to him and took his hand but the glove was to slippery from the snow. I tried to pull him up but it was too late. “Someone help me!” I called out.

But the second his parents came out from the house, Cale had fell into the lake.

Persuading him to skate on the dangerous lake was all my fault.



Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:42 am; edited 3 times in total
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day tripper   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 5:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Im not sure about this.
I can't really say I liked it,
but I can't really say I dis-liked it.

I think the problem was that the Chapter's story line was good,
but the chapter's detail and explanation was bad.

You seemed to just scribble down what the characters were saying and
their actions. The only scenery I got was when they were ice skating.

What does Cale look like?
How about Sadie?
How do they know each other?
Why did they decide to build the snowman.

You know what I'm saying? It seemed very bland. Like a cake without shape or taste:
You know it's a cake, but there isn't really any proof that it's a cake. If that makes
sence.
d:

You also didnt develope the MC good. The only things we know are: It's a girl, her name's Sadie,
and she has a friend named Cale.


I think you need to do a re-write.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 9:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I quite liked this & thought it was a good start, but I think you need to add more scenery & thoughts & feelings & emotions etc, all that boring stuff Razz
I loved your description at the start, but you need to make it more clear where this lake was, why they were building the snowman etc just to set the scene more, if you get my drift?
But apart from those small details, your grammar & wording was good & if you're to carry this on, PM me so I can read the rest, because I am definitely intrigued!!
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 4:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Merry!

This story was good. But I’m kind of in the nit-picky mood so be warned Confused This is gonna be long…

All of these quotes at the same:

Quote:
“Oh, yeah. I knew I forgot something. Do you have them Cale?”


Quote:
“Wanna go ice skating, Cale?”


Quote:
“Do you need help Cale?”


Quote:
“What's so funny Cale?”


Quote:
“Well help me up Sadie.”


Quote:
“Come on Cale! We need to get off this lake.”


Comma before a name. That goes for all of them. For example, it should look like this: “blah blah blah, NAME,” says blah blah blah. It goes for all dialogue and writing. Comma before name. Just remember that for the future.

Quote:
We had nothing to worry about, all we had to do was have fun.


Semicolon instead of a comma after “about”

Quote:
I just hope Cale is having fun too.


You change tenses here. Your piece is in past tense so if you are going to say this, have it in italics. Or, change it to past tense like this: I just hoped Cale was having fun too.

Quote:
We started running but Cale was to slow.


Double “oo” on “to”

Okay, that’s done.

Now, for the overall stuff:

Paint a picture for others to see.

Your use of descriptions is kind of lacking. Sorry Confused ((I don’t mean that harshly either)) The only time I could really picture your piece is in the beginning. I thought you did really well there but otherwise, the rest of it was very minimal. Also, I couldn’t really picture your characters either. Did they have black hair? Pointed nose? Rosy cheeks? That sort of thing.

Think smart!

When it came to the thoughts of your characters, I didn’t get any of that. You need to help us enter your characters minds’, so we understand them. In your piece, I couldn’t do any of that. You need to guide your reader, help them to see your characters for who they are. Just adding a few thoughts on what your MC was thinking or if she was scared for her friends life would help it a lot. Wink

Characters:

Sadie She seems like a young, free-spirited girl. But that’s the vibe I got from her. And that’s really all I know. You have to add more there. Make her unique. Make her stand out against all the other free-spirited young girls. Give her some flaws. Add a dash of drama. Do that stuff and it’ll work magic for your piece.

Cale He’s the typical boy. Doesn’t want to do any girly stuff. But I don’t want him to be the “typical” boy. Make him stand out. Is he the messy boy? Neat boy? Bossy boy? Stuff like that will help out as well.

Plot:

Not very muct to go on here. I mean, I can pretty much guess that she finds out she’s in love with Cale, right? And maybe he dies…which makes me sad Crying or Very sad But you do what you have to do. Wink

Now, for the positives!

1. The overall story was good! I mean, the flow you have was simply perfect. Never was there a choppy sentence or anything. So Bravo there!

2. The ending was very good. I found it to be one of those that force the reader to read on. Which is always good Wink

3. And it seems that you know where you are going with this story. And I say, go for it! Very Happy

So yes, everything was pretty good here. Just take some of my advise and the advise of others and mix it all together and you got yourself a working piece!

Keep Writing, Merry! Very Happy

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Merry_Haven   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey guys.
Thanks for the helpful criticism, it helped a lot. I actually rewrote and revised the preface. So you can read it if you want to. So thanks again for reading it!
-Merry
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, Merry, I’m back! Very Happy Sorry it took me so long to re-review it...

Quote:
Even the tree branches had large, clear snow crystals that hung from it.


First off, before I go into this quote, your first paragraph was WAY better. So much more descriptive! Very Happy
Now, back to your quote…it is kind of choppy. Try changing the ending of it like this: …clear snow crystals hanging from them.

Quote:
Being my best friend, Cale always had snow on his ash blond hair. We were best friends since elementary school and our parents knew each other. So we always got to hang out and play at our houses. Those childhood memories of Cale and me were always the best.


Okay, this was good! I liked how you included all this info but you could do even MORE! I mean, you don’t have to put more in this paragraph but maybe slips some in else where. Like how Cale makes her laugh? For example, you included that “smile that brightened my mood”. That was very good! Very Happy

Quote:
My smile was always big as his.


Missing the word “as”. Slip it in between “always” and “big”

Quote:
“Whoa.” We both said as we tried to balance ourselves.


Comma instead of a period after “whoa” and a small “w” on “we”

Quote:
“What's so funny Cale?”


Comma after “funny”

Quote:
His warm smile had brighten my worried mood.


“brightened” instead of “brighten”
Very nice here! Good description of Cale and Sadie’s relationship Very Happy

Quote:
“Help me up Sadie.”


Comma after “up”

Quote:
“Come on Cale! We need to get off this lake.”


Comma after “on”

Quote:
Persuading him to skate on the dangerous lake was all my fault.


Very nice ending! Very Happy I like this version! You did really well with the rewrite!

Keep up the good work, Merry!

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 12:20 am    Post subject: Re: A Bittersweet Tragedy Reply with quote

You probably posted this a long time ago, but I'll do a quick one over for you anyway. ha!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote:
For me, everything looked like a Winter Wonderland. Through my emerald colored eyes I saw the tall, green trees that were filled from top to bottom with white snow. Even the tree branches had large, clear snow crystals that hung from it.

Very nice descriptions.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Cale and me

Shouldn't it be Cale and I? Or is this one of those special moments where that rule doesn't apply. That just pisses me off when for years they teach you one thing, then later they say 'Oh, no that isn't how is always is.' It's just like, make up my freaking mind already!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Do you have them Cale?”

When addressing a person, always use a comma before or after. Another one of those stupid rules.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
His smile got bigger as congratulated each other

I'm thinking you're missing a 'we' in there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
My eyes flickered towards the lake and when I turned to face Cale his smile had disappeared.

I realize that I'm really nit-picking here. haha!!! Okay, you forgot a comma after Cale. OR you could put a period after Cale and just make His smile disappeared it's own sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
No longer was he upset but now happy as before.

This sentence is kind of choppy. You might want to go with something a bit more like He was no longer upset like he was before, but happy. Or something like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
Cale had fell on his bottom.

Haha!!! BOTTOM....Sorry, immature moment there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
“What's so funny Cale?”

Uhm, again with the addressing...grr!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quote:
I grabbed his gloved hand and pushed him up.

How does one push some one up?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, besides what I already said, this is well written. I didn't really like how it ended. Maybe something more powerful and emotional? Are you going to write another chapter or is it over? Make that clearer in the writing, yeah?

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 12:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jasmine-
This was quite a while ago when I wrote this.
I know. I really suck at the commas after the name thing. It drives me crazy when I always forget them.
When school eventually flows through my schedule {I'm haten' school} I'll revise this preface.
Goodness, No! This is not a short story. I've just haven't the time to write chapter one, yet.
But I will I promise. Wink Just make sure I do.
Talk to you soon...
-Merry

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey I really like this story so far =D The story is really good and your a really good writer! I hope you write more! I want to know what happens next! Please PM me when you post the next chapter! =D
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

pshhxhoney-
Why thank you. Very Happy
I will try my best to get the next part up, when I get the chance.
I will definitely pm you when I do.
-Merry

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