Topic ID: 33942
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
yoha_ahoy
yoyo
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 944
Reviews: 379
Country: Dogpatch, USA
300 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 4:51 am Post subject: Ow. |
 |
|
Ow. - A silly take on a recent heartbreak.
Ow. Love is a twisted thing.
Something just snapped.
Was that just you?
Or was it my heart?
Here, you can have this half.
You damaged it enough.
You deserve it.
Ow. Do you like dropping me?
You've done it enough,
I should have known you'd do it again.
And again.
And again.
Until you dropped me and walked away.
That's right, just walk away.
I said I didn't need you.
I said leave me if you wanted to.
I guess I just never expected you to. Ow.
Um yeah. I thought it sucked? But then I thought it was okay in a silly kind of way. I guess it could go either way. Opinions?
~Yoyo  |
_________________
@(^_^)@ Got YWS? Rick, FTW! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
magician847
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 02 Aug 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:08 am Post subject: |
|
|
| That was good, you say it sucks and in a way you are right (needs a bit of fleshing out and lengthening) but other than that it sounds exactly like tose songs you hear about break-ups, good one! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
beautyandthefish
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 12
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
I don't really understand the comedy in it, if there is any, but I really could connect with you.
I don't think it needs too much else, if you're basing it on simplicity, but if you really wanted to elaborate it, so that you could explain your feelings more, that would also help it. It's good work though. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Yes, it is a rather silly poem, but that doesn't mean silliness can't be taken seriously! ^_^ Catch a few more images with Cupid's arrow and this could be a heartfeltly serious poem. |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
In_the_Moonlight
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 112
Reviews: 75
Country: Nartimarick- yes it does exist.....
384 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
This poem didn't completely suck like you say it does. I just think it needs a lot of work. Some of it rhymes while most of it doesn't. I thought it was actually pretty funny in some areas. I understood what you were saying about the broken heart.
Overall:
-nice topic
-creative
-potential
I didn't think it was that bad...  |
_________________
"I know you are not who you pretend to be," Will said. "I know you are some
demon thing, and I may find myself damned for
seeking your aid. But thank you. Perhaps it is wrong to give thanks for damnation,
but thank you nonetheless." |
|
| Back to top |
|
BigBadBear
violin dweeb
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1759
Reviews: 620
Country: USA
662 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 11:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey, Yoyo.
First off, I really liked this poem. Second off, I loved the 'Ow's. Haha. It made me smile. It was a really good poem. Not deep or anything, but it has a lot of meaning to it, which makes it really good in my book.
| Quote: |
Ow. Do you like dropping me?
You've done it enough,
I should have known you'd do it again.
And again.
And again. |
I didn't like the repeat of 'and again'. Mainly because it was unnecessary and kinda... well, repetitive, of course. It doesn't really add anything to the poem, but it does dumbify it.
Er...
Yeah.
Anyway, good poem. I liked it. ^_^
-Jared |
_________________
Teague says:
It's just ignorance.
Teague says:
Which has "ignore" in it, so that's your cue. ^^ |
|
| Back to top |
|
Charliebo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 48
Country: Britain
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
hello!
I thought there were a few cliches in there that are, quite frankly, dangerous, but overall, this poem seems original. Well done. But definately watch out for the cliches.
Have a star!
from charlie. ^^ |
_________________
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
-- George Carlin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Livinginfantasy
OW!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 474
Reviews: 186
Country: Fantasy... DUH
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Love the title!
Okay, this is not sucky! Oh yeah, like everyone said, it could use some work, but it's a diamond in the rough.
I suggest adding some length and elaborating more. One thing I loved here was your word choice. So keep that up! |
_________________
I bought a dog the other day...
I named him Stay.
It's fun to call him...
'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
