Topic ID: 33913
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Sexy Sadie
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 37
Country: Liverpool, England
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: Last Night |
 |
|
I wrote this because I needed to tell someone how I felt.
Last Night
I stayed up all last night,
just thinking about you.
The way you make me feel,
the things you make me do.
My head screamed "no!",
my heart sang "yes!",
but still I couldn't figure,
what to make of this big mess.
My love was indecisive
of what it was to do.
I wasn't sure the words you spoke
could all the way be true.
My eyes drew weary,
they felt heavy as lead,
and then I heard your voice,
and this is what it said:
"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
we'd better get to bed,
before it turns two."
I closed my eyes and smiled,
Oh, what was I to do?
And then I came to the conclusion,
I really loved you too. |
Last edited by Sexy Sadie on Sun Aug 03, 2008 8:00 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I enjoyed reading this. My only problem is that you ryhmed "two" with "too", but you can just leave it at "I love you" I think that sounds alittle better.
Other then that, the meaning of this poem came to me at the end and I was like "wow" cause i can feel the emotion running through certain lines. Really nice. I could never write something like this. Love to see more of your work!
-Curly |
_________________
Where there is love, there is life-GHANDI |
|
| Back to top |
|
[deleted3]
Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 01 Aug 2008
Posts: 76
Reviews: 41
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was a really nice read, makes me wish I was that person worthy enough to deserve that poem in his/her's honor!
Only the last line bothered me:
"I really loved you too."
I don't know why, but the whole poem seemed sound until that last line, but other than that I found this to be heart warming and cute. It felt, in reading it, as if you had been writing it on your hand as the moment was happening! |
_________________
Victer
Last edited by [deleted3] on Sun Aug 03, 2008 7:51 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Lindsaroo
is New
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Jan 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 156
Country: California, USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Awwww how sweet.
I think you should cut "too" at the very end and it would sound much better to the ears. Other than that, it's a very cute love poem. Great job. I think it's great that a guy is actually posting up love poems for once, I'm not saying they don't, but you hardly see them you know? Anyways, awesome job.
-Lindsay |
_________________
August 20th, 2008 - I found God. |
|
| Back to top |
|
thething912
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 439
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I like the thought you put into this poem and the emotion that you carry with it. It really shows throughout the poem. I don't think I saw anything that need fixng so, nice job. Plus, it somewhat shows the struggle you had didciding wheater or not you loved this person. |
_________________
Check out my website for my Photography. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Hallie
Novice
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 11
Reviews: 4
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I don't usually enjoy rhyming poetry, sometimes I find it gets a little too childlike. But that's just my opinion and to be honest, it works in your poem.
I really enjoyed it. I do agree that you could have left "too" out at the end. It paints a great picture and gets to the point.
Lovely, love it. |
_________________
"We've All Been Lost For Most Of This Life, Everywhere We Turn More Hatred Surrounds Us!"
"The pen is mightier than the sword, that's one scary pen!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
meg x writes123
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Aug 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 1
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I truly enjoyed reading this piece. I did find it very insightful, although I feel that you could have used more adjectives and described the setting a tad bit more so you could sway the readers/audiences' emotions. But overall, brava! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
meg x writes123
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Aug 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 1
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I truly enjoyed reading this piece. It most definitely kept me hooked.
I did find it very insightful, although I feel that you could have used more adjectives and described the setting a tad bit more so you could sway the readers/audiences' emotions. But overall, brava! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel of Death
L'amour a des ailes
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 1071
Reviews: 514
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
485 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Awww this was really sweet and whomever you wrote this to is really lucky because this is beautiful and it truly flows nicely. I have no complaints but I think that this stanza
I closed my eyes and smiled,
Oh, what was I to do?
And then I came to the conclusion,
I really loved you too.
would really be better without the too after love. Other than that, I can tell you've been writing poetry for some time and I'll be looking forward to reading something else from you.
Keep writing,
Angel  |
_________________
The Jane Effect
"Don't be frightened. It’s only the Angels quarreling." -Andrew from The Jane Effect |
|
| Back to top |
|
Malae
Novice
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 05 Aug 2008
Posts: 6
Reviews: 2
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hi Sadie!
| Quote: |
"Roses are red,
violets are blue,
we'd better get to bed,
before it turns two." |
This was kind of lame. If a guy said that to me I'd tell them to think of something better. Lol!
| Quote: |
| I really loved you too. |
Yeah, take off the too. It doesn't soujd good.
Nice poem though. Did you show it to the girl?
-Mal |
_________________
Sad Sucks; Happy Rocks! -My boyfriend, Jared! (also known as BigBadBear) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Maria GABRIELLE
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 19 Jul 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey I'm not a great poet and don't know much about poetry, but your poem was really good. It had a great rhyme (it was different,but good). Every stanza was short and sweet. All in all it was laid out beautifully.
There's not much that I see you can change although I'm not sure exactly what this means: "could all the way be true" I have an idea of what this means but it's not clear to me. I've never been in love so it might just be me who doesn't get this.
Also "... we'd better get to bed before it turns two" doesn't make much sense. Are you referring to the time. If so try to make this more clear.
Hope this is helpful and good work keep it up. |
_________________
Shoot for the moon. If you don't make it you'll fall among the stars. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
