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A Different Kind of Normal- Part One
A Different Kind of Normal- Part One

by Roo in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 3, 2008
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Moriah Leila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 7:44 am    Post subject: The Dark Goddess [6] Reply with quote

Here is some more, hope you enjoy it!

Pegg and William were the only ones who joined Jo at the Three Horseshoes for the evening meal.

Gradually, as they had made their way up the cobblestone road each man had departed, either for a different tavern or because some pretty whore had caught their eye. Jo liked it just as well, because she felt she could relax around Pegg. William got on her nerves a bit, what with the way he would stare at her. Then, when Jo would catch him staring, he would jump as if caught with his hand in the treasury.

Jo ordered a round of drinks ignoring the rude leers of some of the other patrons. Although, Jo did not recognize it, she was an amazingly beautiful young woman. She was tall and slim; her muscles lean from the hard labor necessary on a ship. Jo walked with her Father’s bold confidence and her Mother’s grace. This paired with her slim hips and round bottom encased in tight fitting britches was sure to gain any man’s attention. And the gauzy shirts she had a habit of wearing barely concealed the round curves of her breasts. Even though her skin was burnt by the sun, her hair tangled by the wind, and her hands calloused by work it leant wildness to her beauty.

But God spare the fool who would try to make any romantic advances on Josette LaVie. Even more than her dislike for riddles or being called by her given name, Jo hated being treated like all she was good for was cooking or making love. In fact she detested being treated like a woman at all. Furthermore, Jo thought that love or any romantic relationship with the opposite sex was overrated. Men thought that they were a necessity in every woman’s life; that without men women would not survive. Jo curled her lip up in disgust as she took a hearty swig of her beer.

“I had an idea how we could recruit new sailors,” William was saying to Pegg and instantly Jo was ripped back to reality.

“How?” She demanded surprising him.

William’s hazel eyes darted to her heart-shaped face, taking in her broad forehead, high cheekbones, and voluptuous peach-colored lips. And her eyes! Will had never seen such eyes! Big, almond-shaped, blue-green eyes framed by ridiculously long black eyelashes. Her eyes were by far Jo’s best feature. William swallowed, forcing his mind back on track. “Well, before I started working on your Father’s ship I had seen a Wanted poster for a pirate. The Governor was offering some ridiculous reward.”

Jo waved her hand impatiently, “Yeah, yeah I know what you’re talking about. What does that have to do with us?”

“Well what if we made posters?” William found his leg bouncing nervously. What if she thought it a foolish idea? “We can make it say Wanted: knowledgeable sailors to serve under Captain Josette-“

“Jo,” she barked roughly, “My name is Jo.”

William nodded, realizing he had made a big mistake. “And then we can offer a reward.” He waited, wondering if Jo would think it as clever as he did.

“How many pirates do you know that can read?” Jo demanded leaning back in her chair. She casually stretched out her long legs, crossing them at the ankles.

“Well-“ William sputtered, he hadn’t really thought of that, “There has to be some! What happened to all those privateers when England signed the Treaty of Utrecht?”

Jo tilted her head in consent. Her own Father had been a privateer who turned to piracy when England tried for peace with Spain. “How big of a reward are we talking about?”

“I was thinking that if we melted down our gold bars, one a piece, we would have an awful lot of gold that we could make into gold coins. And gold is gold, whether it is minted in Spain or England.”

“Or on the back of a pirate ship!” Pegg chimed in, laughing heartily. He swatted William hard on the back. “I think it is a bloody good idea!”

Jo eyed them both. “You two would be willing to give up your gold to help me pay for a crew for my ship?”

Will nodded eagerly.

“Just don’t make me do bilge pump duty and I’ll give up my gold gratefully,” Pegg responded with a wink.

Jo raised her mug in a mock toast, “Here’s to the Wanted posters.” William and Pegg raised their cups and clanged them together, sloshing beer.

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Rubric   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Will had never seen such eyes! Big, almond-shaped, blue-green eyes framed by ridiculously long black eyelashes. Her eyes were by far Jo’s best feature


It's good that you're going into physical description. However you need to be careful in terms of narration, the description seems to almost to be from Will's point of view (the exclamation point for instance), but so far the narration has been limited to Josette. I like the isloated narration that's progressed, and I think toning down a little on the "Josette is amazingly beautiful" aspect might help this, as well as keeping out elements of Mary Stueyism.

Quote:
Yeah, yeah I know what you’re talking about

This is probably fine for pirate talk, but for some reason "yeah, yeah" rubbed me up the wrong way. It's slang, but is it the right kind of slang?


“Here’s to the Wanted posters.”

lose the *the*

I like how we're seeing the various reasons for characters staying with Jo so far, (Pegg, William, Joshua and possible Freddie)

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Gradually, as they had made their way up the cobblestone road each man had departed, either for a different tavern or because some pretty whore had caught their eye.

Comma after road.

Quote:
Jo ordered a round of drinks ignoring the rude leers of some of the other patrons.

Comma after drinks.

Quote:
Furthermore, Jo thought that love or any romantic relationship with the opposite sex was overrated.

“Overrated” is much too modern for this time setting. Rephrase.


Quote:
“I had an idea how we could recruit new sailors,” William was saying to Pegg and instantly Jo was ripped back to reality.
Had? He doesn’t anymore? Change had to have. Comma after Pegg, also.

Quote:
“How?” She demanded surprising him.

Icky. No need for capital S and comma after demanded.

Quote:
William swallowed, forcing his mind back on track.

Again, too modern a phrase. “Back on track” is not something pirates or someone of the sort would say.

Quote:
“Well, before I started working on your Father’s ship I had seen a Wanted poster for a pirate.

Comma after ship.


Quote:
“Yeah, yeah I know what you’re talking about.

Yeah? Rephrase. “Yeah” is, again, not something a pirate would say. Up till now you’ve been using “Aye”. If not that, than use “Yes”.


Quote:
“Well what if we made posters?”
Comma after well.


Quote:
“We can make it say Wanted: knowledgeable sailors to serve under Captain Josette-“
Typo or something at the end, and I believe the k should be capitalized in knowledgeable.

And also, when you first mentioned Wanted posters, I thought you meant the ones offering rewards for criminals. Besides that, I don’t think they would put up posters for wanted employees. Have you ever seen Pirates of the Caribbean, the second one? They just set up a table and a list in a tavern and asked the men why they wanted to work. Well anyway, just take a look at the movie. I think it would be good for you, considering you’re writing a story in the same timeline.


Quote:
“Well-“

Typo.

I liked this chapter. Again, not very exciting, but it’s crucial to the plot, I know. Why not give is a bit more sense of environment, though? Describe the background sounds, the lighting, the texture of the table.

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