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The Damage of Reality
The Damage of Reality

by angels-symphony in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on August 3, 2008
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Possible Related Items Follow:
The Dark Goddess (title pending)
The Dark Goddess [1]
The Dark Goddess [2]
The Dark Goddess [3]
The Dark Goddess [5]
The Dark Goddess [6]
The Dark Goddess [7]
The Dark Goddess [8]

The Dark Goddess [4]

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Moriah Leila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 7:28 am    Post subject: The Dark Goddess [4] Reply with quote

I hope you enjoy this newest installment. And sorry it is kind of short, I had to split it up because I thought it was too long for YWS. Also, I got caught up in writing so I have quite a bit to post. I will probably post several more chapters after this. Thank you to all that review, I appreciate your feedback!

Two days later land was spotted on the starboard side. Jo was relieved to see the island of Jamaica come into view. She had made it all the way back to Port Royal alive and a great weight was lifted from her shoulders. Jo threw herself in amidst the men helping with the preparations needed to sail into the dock. Since her Father’s death Jo had been doing everything she could to prove to the men that she was worthy of the lofty position handed to her.

Coming into port was one of her favorite times on board the ship. William was at the helm expertly steering the ship while Pegg hobbled around on his wooden leg, calling out orders. The sailors bustled about the ship excitedly. Many of them spoke of what they would do once they reached the shore.

“Can’t wait to get to Madame DuFont’s,” one of the sailors cried out as he belayed a rope. “She got some mighty fine girls at that establishment.”

“Aye, it be good to have some good woman flesh beneath me.” Another agreed. It didn’t embarrass Jo at all to hear the men talk so crudely, she figured it was perfectly normal conversation.

“I be headed straight for the Three Horseshoes, best mead in all of Port Royal!” Yet another sailor shouted out.

“The food ain’t bad either!” Freddie called out. “Better than hard tack!”

Jo didn’t miss the dark look sent her way, but they were too close to docking for her to care. Already she could see the city coming to life at the sight of the Dark Goddess. Whenever a ship came into port it was cause for excitement, even in the Sodom of the New World. Merchants would hurry down to check out the cargo and bartering would soon begin before much was unloaded. Prostitutes would strut their wares; innkeepers would send lackeys to advertise their premises; and other seamen would want to talk about any problems on the voyage.

They would remain in port at least three days, possibly a week to allow time for the necessary repairs needed on the hull and masts. They’d also need to restock provisions since most of the rice had gotten maggots in it. Pegg would gather information about weather conditions.

“Drop the anchor!” William yelled out. Jo hurried to help Heng lower the anchor to slow their approach. Already all of the sails had been tacked down to prevent the winds from changing their course. Jo wondered how many, if any, of these men would remain to perform these tasks. What if she had to replenish her entire crew? Who would sail for her?

Joshua, a massive African her Father had rescued from slavery, tossed a hawser to a man on the docks and Jo watched as the bow of the vessel glided smoothly into place. The anchor caught on a reef below bringing the Dark Goddess to a firm stop. There were a few shouts of excitement at their excellent landing. Jo waited, holding her breath, to see what the men would do. Normally, they would begin to unload their plunder to be auctioned off to the highest bidder and then their spoils would be divided amongst them. Would the men protest to Josette receiving the biggest share?

“Alright men let’s get this cargo unloaded so we all can get paid!” Pegg yelled out before anyone could decide to do otherwise. Several crew hands grudgingly complied knowing that they wouldn’t eat if they didn’t complete this last task. Jo had no doubt that once the booty was divided some of these men would desert the Dark Goddess. It wouldn’t be hard for them to find work; piracy was in its prime.

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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
We are ne'er like angels till our passion dies...
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 2:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Merchants would hurry down to check out the cargo

Just a tiny nitpicks, but "check out" seems too mondern a phrase for a story in this time setting.


Quote:
“Alright men let’s get this cargo unloaded so we all can get paid!”

I don't really see the difference either, but it's all right, not alright.


Quote:
“Aye, it be good to have some good woman flesh beneath me.” Another agreed

Should be this: "Aye, it be good to have some goo woman flesh beneathe me," another agreed.


Other than those few things, there were two other aspects about this piece that I found flawed: Again, hate to sound like a broken record, but you need more commas. The sentences run on without time to stop and pause for breath. It also makes the chapter seem rushed.

The other was the part where the men were shouting thngs back and forth to each other as they pulled into port. Instead of telling us what sailor souted what, leave it a mystery. Like this:

Quote:
“Can’t wait to get to Madame DuFont’s! She got some mighty fine girls at that establishment.”

“Aye, it be good to have some good woman flesh beneath me.”

“I be headed straight for the Three Horseshoes, best mead in all of Port Royal!”

“The food ain’t bad either! Better than hard tack!”



Just a thought. But this technique accents what they're saying.

Going on to next chapters.

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Rubric   View This User's Portfolio
Considers "Necromance" a verb
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 8:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
the rice had gotten maggots in it


may read better as "had been infested with maggots" but this is purely because I hate the word "got"

Your ability as a narrator to command the ship, it's crew, and Jo is quite astounding. You've certainly begun to flesh out the characters, and future plot developments are hinted at.

Again, I couldn't find much to critique and I'm sorry for that. Well done on being gutsy enough in the direct speech.

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This thread was created on August 3, 2008

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