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lulu_daisy_101
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 Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 2:54 am Post subject: Your Brain |
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I no what you think
Its gonna be another boring poem
About how somebody has unspoken able beauty
Or just to short of a skirt
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body
You can think your fat or ugly
Maybe even smallish two
But trust its just your brain playing tricks on you
And its doing it right now
You could think this is a poem
Maybe even a song
But this is really your brain
Telling you whats right and wrong |
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Mario
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:11 am Post subject: |
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| ok, that is just the coolest thing that might be true about a persons brain, trying to fool them into beliving that words are rhyming |
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Bella
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: Re: Your Brain |
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First off, welcome to YWS!
If you have any questions about anything, feel free to PM me, and I'll do whatever I can to help you.
Now, on to the critique...
| lulu_daisy_101 wrote: |
I know what you think "I know what you are thinking - " may fit in better here
Its gonna be another boring poem
About how somebody "someone" may help this flow better than "somebody" has unspeakable beauty
Or just too short of a skirt
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body
You can think you're fat or ugly
Maybe even smallish too
But trust its just your brain playing tricks on you
And its doing it right now
You could think this is a poem
Maybe even a song
But this is really your brain
Telling you what's right and wrong |
Now, I don't know if you made all those mistakes on purpose, to point out the brain telling me what's right and wrong, but I corrected them anyway.
I really didn't much care for this. It had no basis, no emotion - nothing poetry normally has. [Not that normalcy is a necessity, but in this case, it's much preferable]. And it didn't flow too well either. I didn't really understand either - your brain playing tricks on your body would be more controlling how you move, wouldn't it?
I suggest working on giving it some meaning, so it's not just another poem - because right now that's all it is.
Also, add punctuation to help the flow!
Merry Writing!
~Bella Bambina~ |
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1dering at stars
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
I no what you think 'no' = know
Its gonna be another boring poem
About how somebody has unspoken able beauty
Or just to short of a skirt 'to' = too
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body
You can think your fat or ugly
Maybe even smallish two 'two' = too
But trust its just your brain playing tricks on you
And its doing it right now
You could think this is a poem
Maybe even a song
But this is really your brain
Telling you whats right and wrong There should be an apostrophe after the t in 'whats' |
This could be a really cute poem. There are just a few misspellings but the message is good. One more thing you should do is to add some punctuation!!! Put periods and whatnot where ever the line breaks and it is/is not the end of a sentence. The beginning of a line should not be capitalized if it is not the beginning of a sentence! If is is mid-sentence, make it a lower case!
Hope this helped- good luck!
~1dering |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:51 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah this sounded like some opening dialogue to some pretentious indie film. Not feeling it sorry. Don't assume your reader is dumb. |
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laughingfreakx3
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| That was a very cool poem. It was really creative too! But you need to go back and edit your spelling, if you haven't looked at the other reviews yet. But I was wondering if you did those spelling mistakes on purpose, because it goes with the poem perfectly! But if you did, well, you still need to fix it anyways. This is a poetry website and I really advise you to spell correctly. There is a spell checker if you didn't know that. But I could go on about your spelling forever, but that was a great poem. Keep writing!! |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: Re: Your Brain |
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| lulu_daisy_101 wrote: |
I no what you think
Its gonna be another boring poem
About how somebody has unspoken able beauty
Or just to short of a skirt
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body
You can think your fat or ugly
Maybe even smallish two
But trust its just your brain playing tricks on you
And its doing it right now
You could think this is a poem
Maybe even a song
But this is really your brain
Telling you whats right and wrong |
I get what you're trying to do here, and it's pretty clever. I like the misspelled words and the bad punctuation and all that. But, the execution didn't bring your great idea justice.
There is so much more you could do with this. Like better word choice and all that, so I suggest a total re-write. Erase this and start all over with the same idea and such. I can tell you're clever and could make something so much more than this. And if you decide to re-write this, PM me please!
Glad to see another novice. Remember for every two reviews, you can post one piece of yours (the 2:1 ratio if you haven't heard) and I'll be looking for you again.  |
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Sportgurl46
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 4:46 am Post subject: |
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OK, you have a bunch of different grammatical errors and that really takes away the greatness of your poem. Other people have already told you these errors, but you haven't changed it yet, so i am going to tell you yet again and maybe you will fix it.
| Quote: |
| I no what you think |
This should be "know" not "no"
| Quote: |
| Or just to short of a skirt |
This should be "too" instead of "to"
| Quote: |
| Maybe even smallish two |
"too" not "two"
This poem could be good, but i don't think that you have any flow, you are rhyming at times then not rhyming, you don't have punctuation anywhere, this is just a poorly written poem and i think that you can do so much better. Once you fix the grammatical errors, and put in puncuations, then your poem would really be enjoyable to read. If you have any questoins please pm me 
Hope this helps
Happy writing |
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Flemzo
Now With 50% More Flem!!
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: Re: Your Brain |
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Firstly, grammatical errors abound in this piece. There are so many problems with word confusion, grammar, punctuation, even flat out wrong terminology. Luckily, there are many different ways to correct this. Others have pointed out what they saw, and now I think it's my turn.
| lulu_daisy_101 wrote: |
I know what you think:
It's going to be another boring poem
About someone's unspoken able beauty
Or her too-short-skirt,
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body.
You can think you're fat, or ugly,
Maybe even tiny, too;
But trust me, it's just your brain playing tricks on you,
And it's doing it right now:
You could think this is a poem --
Maybe even a song --
But this is really your brain
Telling you what's right and wrong. |
Overall, good effort, but this poem used a lot of words to say absolutely nothing. What was the point of this poem: was it to make people think about how the percieve the world? Was it a poem about how the mind shouldn't be trusted? Or was it a glorified "This Is Not A Pipe" poem? Most good poetry usually has some sort of message they're trying to convey. Even something as stupid and pointless as "The Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams has a message about how the hard labor of so many seems to be forgotten, like a wheelbarrow sitting alone (depending on your interpretation).
As much as I wracked my brain trying to think of the message you were trying to tell, I could find nothing. All I found was a really rough draft of something that, as it becomes more developed, could say so much about our world.
For now, scrap it and start over. It'll be way easier to do that than to rework the crap out of it in order to say what you want to say.
Good luck!
kf |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 8:54 am Post subject: |
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lulu_daisy_101,
This is your internal sense of decency telling you to throw this away and try something else.
Things I'd suggest trying instead:
Learning how to use grammar and spelling effectively;
figuring out what "meter" is, and how that contributes to rhythm and rhyme;
writing a poem that isn't self-referential, since it's been done before, and a lot better than this; and
reading some decent poetry, here or in books.
Take care,
Brad |
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salsashanno
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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| This was clever and witty, and it had a beautiful flow. Well done! This poem was unique, and I'm sure there is nothing like it out there. As I see people have pointed out above me, the "no" should be "know," unless, of course, you did that on purpose. You're a fantastic poet, keep going! |
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sheismorphing
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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| at first I though you may have unintentionally spelled the words wrong and used improper grammar etc. but soaking it in with a different mindframe, thinking you did that on purpose, really makes it awesome. I liked reading it.. the first.. second.. even third time. Very cool style, you're witty and you probably know how to handle people in social situations very well. |
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Dark Star
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| Posted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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| i really enjoyed this poem. it was very unique and different in every way. also very creative. you really caught my attention right to the end. the structure was very good and everything seemed to flow well. i really liked your ending. it was perfect! its didnt cut it short and was powerful. your rhyming scheme was a little off and then there was the small gramatical errors. but like you said it was just my brain playing tricks and telling me what was righ tand worng.lol...well great job! you really made an awesome peice of work! |
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