Topic ID: 33845
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AlexZyg
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 Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: To an Empty Eyed Girl |
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To an Empty Eyed Girl
I saw the house again today
where our ghosts still hold each other
but through the sun washed windows
I could not see their forms
The city’s changed a lot since then
Now full of impassionate lovers
Old and gray they make their way
To the mute sea of hush
I held the sand grains in my hand
The water slipped in and stole them
The transience of possession
Of a heart dawned on me
I don’t want to be the city
Older but living in the past
So my darling dark lady
That’s all you’ll ever be |
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Bittersweet
Waiting just around the riverbend.
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. That was a lovely poem. I only found one or two awkward lines:
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| To the mute sea of hush |
This is one of those lines where you can see where the cool, deep meaning behind it might have been but it didn't quite get there. I honestly have no idea what you're telling us on this line. Perhaps find another way to describe what you were saying?
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| Of a heart dawned on me |
That's also a bit confusing. I had to read the stanza several times and I still didn't get what it meant.
Besides those, this is some good work! The last stanza especially. It tied everything together wonderfully and it actually sounded like an ending and I wasn't like "Oh. So that's it?" So, lovely lovely poem. I understood exactly what you were showing us and enjoyed in immensely.
Holly |
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Nosireebob
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: |
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| I think I have a new favourite. |
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Nosireebob
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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| Okay, now I can't stop thinking about this poem and it kind of makes me feel sick that I relate to every word of it.. |
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singing_hope
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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I really really really like this poem. I absolutely love how you use imagery here. There was a very clear image painted in my mind with every stanza I read. My favorite are the first and last stanzas.
"To the mute sea of hush"
That line makes sense to me, but you kind of repeated yourself. "Mute" and "hush" are pretty much conveying the same meaning so what you can say is "To the mute sea" or "To the hush sea." Otherwise, very well written and beautifully composed, I absolutely adore it! |
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Mallyboomer
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:27 am Post subject: |
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Wow, I really like this...
This might be a weird thing to notice, but I love how much punch the verses with short words deliver:
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| I don’t want to be the city |
You have a few long (pretty) words here, but the best lines--for me-- really are the simple ones.
The one line that gives me a bit of pause:
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| Older but living in the past |
I can't quite understand the "but" here... it seems that something old would be more inclined to live in the past. Just a thought.
Really, though, your expression is dang cool. Keep up the good work. |
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