Topic ID: 33815
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deafwriter_19
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 Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:31 am Post subject: Are They Listening? |
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Midnight falls slower tonight.
You in my arms seems so right.
The minutes slip by too fast;
Why is it that good moments never last?
I breathe in the scent of your hair.
Peppermint teases me, “Do I dare?”
I’m so afraid of moving too fast.
I’m the kind of person that needs it to last…
Do you feel the same?
Are you too ashamed?
Ignore those people that squash your pride!
They only take pleasure in seeing you cry.
Don’t let them shatter you, my darling one.
I don’t want you to again be alone!
Stop locking yourself in this jail cell,
You’re the person that rings the bell.
Are they listening? Are they listening?
Are they listening? Are they listening?
Or do they ignore your pleading chime
When you say you need them at this time
As I feel you move in my embrace,
Torture appears upon your sweet face.
Think instead of us together and alone
Rather than apart and with only mourns.
I can see the war behind your eyes
Feel you reaching out across the great divide.
Take some rest, don’t waste your time.
When they are ready, they shall come!
Only then can we lie down at night
And realizing the price of our flight
(Author’s Note: I realize that this seems like poetry, but I was listening to some Celtic-infused music and it had no chorus and anything and the words seemed so powerful and haunting. And then I read one of the romance stories on here and that got me thinking. But then it kind of evolved in the fifteen minutes when I was writing it.  And this is the finished result. Critiques are welcome!) |
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Flame11
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
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This is great! I can't really find anything to nitpick about. Maybe other people will... I don't know.
Alex |
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Pixielit
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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nothing to criticize, i just wanted to tell you I really liked this. it reminded me of a couple books i've read, just how some characters are so hesitant and undecided about things like that. I'm not a poet, so much as a songwriter, but i guess without music the two are pretty close. And yeah, I know the fifteen-minute feeling. i've had it happen tons of time. isn't it fun?
anyway, stay awesome!
Pixielit |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I'm going to be a little more critical than the people above me.
I couldn't put a tune to this. It's something I always stress with lyrics. If I can't find a tune, they probably need work. Like you said, this seems more like poetry than a song.
I also found it very basic. Your structure in the way you rhymed made finding an appropriate beat even more difficult.
I think I've looked at some other songs of yours, and I have to say that, if I'm thinking of the right person, this isn't your best.
Good luck. |
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sheismorphing
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:50 am Post subject: I like! |
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Good use of rhyme here. I really like when such emotion is combined with rhyming rather than just free verse.
Unbelievable that you can feel and expose so much at such a young age. Feel proud! I remember knowing how adult I felt at even 11, and we all are, experiencing, growing and adding to our future selves.
You are in tune with your body and soul and you're putting that out here. I'm glad I read this.
Thanks for sharing yourself with this site, we're all lucky. |
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tanker225
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| Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:21 am Post subject: |
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| this song felt too much as poetry and i could not feel the beat it was awkward but other than that it was wonderful maybe if you found alittle more soul that you could put into it then you can actually make it move the person's soul |
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Andie
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm probably not being so helpful by saying this but, I agree with everyone else, it needs a stronger tune.Otherwise the lyrics were really good. |
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shadepelt
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:34 am Post subject: |
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| these are really great lyrics! they are amazing, and I can just imagine them to some celtic beat. There is nothing to critique about! |
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Cobweb
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| Posted: Thu Sep 04, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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Really, you can put anything to a tune. Consistent rhythm, from verse to verse, is necessary to keep the same tune but music is such an open art. I too like the Celtic-feel music with beautiful lyrics and a story behind them. Good rhythm will make your song sound tightly knit. Writing your songs and laying them against a beat or click track can help you discern the rough or ungainly parts. Count syllables and write the number at the end of the line so you can keep track. Rhythm is also a emotion tool. The length of your lines, the shortness or absence of rhyme. Messing up the rhyme too. First line to the third, leave the last loose, and so on.
I can’t say I like some of the word choices. Squash was on of them. ‘Rings the bell’ was another part. Watch which words you choose–the very sound of them can set mood or be an unwanted distraction.
Good imagery.
‘Midnight falls slower tonight’ is a good line, but a little hard to digest. I like it the idea, but maybe it needs a rewording.
Keep writing |
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