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Merry_Haven
I. Am. Weird.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 395
Reviews: 173
Country: ~Where the home is~
350 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: Deleted. |
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~I'm deleting this story because I have no wish to continue with it~ |
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:31 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Pattycakes
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 66
Reviews: 31
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 6:23 am Post subject: |
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Alright, I always hate it when people review your first chapter and not your latest one. So I kinda did the opposite. To start out, the amount of writing you put out and your willingness to edit are fantastic, it shows me you're willing to accept criticism and apply it. So I hope you don't read into my comments too critically. This stories okay, not bad but far from great. I've got a couple problems with it:
1. Depth of characters. Uh oh. Beyond being all like 'perfecty' there's no definition to your characters. Nothing makes them stand out in particular to me. Flaws are good, interesting personalities, quirks, all that stuff makes people into PEOPLE. Humor is nice. If your story is more drama (which this is) and you don't want one-liners, then give me troubled souls and a purposeful lack of humor. And I didn't get a ton of that from you.
2. Description. You (like almost everyone at YWS, myself 100% included) are telling me stuff all the time and never describing it to me. This chapter ironically was better than the rest as far as descriptions go but there were a handful of times where I was like, 'explain this, please!' Which leads to three:
3. You should NEVER have to write 'author explanations' to your plot. either at the beginning, middle, or after your chapter. If it's confusing to me in the chapter, I'm not going to want to sit through an info dump to figure it out. Weave this things into the narrative, don't make them explicit, but as part of the frame. If you don't want to explain something till later, then don't leave it mysterious.
4. Plot. No offense but um, there's nothing really there. Six chapters in and besides knowing these two are totally in love, he's totally perfect (irritating by the way), and OMG he's back, nothing has happened. There's no problems, no obstacles, just blah. If you're going write a vampire story it can't just be like this. Things need to happen and unique things need to happen. Because frankly the fact that they have an 'immortal love' is SO not doing it for me. Every romantic vampire story has that subplot and to be honest you haven't shown me anything new with it. Feel free to mess with conventions, surprise me. an ugly vampire, or vampires who age faster than every one else. You gotta break from the pack because a romance can't live on being a love story alone. Why should I care about their relationship?
5. You make a lot of mistakes. I'm no spelling and grammar hawk but you gotta proofread a little before you post. I can handle errors, (lord knows I make and don't catch a ton of them myself) but some parts were littered.
So in summery if all that sounds harsh I apologize. I think it has potential, but it needs more to hook the reader. I don't think you're a bad writer, just unpolished and perhaps someone who's been reading too much of the Twilight series  I think your drive to write can fix this stuff, it just takes practice. If you have any questions or want a more thorough critique of earlier chapters you can PM me about it. Good luck!
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Merry_Haven
I. Am. Weird.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 395
Reviews: 173
Country: ~Where the home is~
350 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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Pattycakes,
Wow. Thanks, I kind of needed that review. I think. And no, I want and need the harsh criticism.
1. Because this story is a dramatic one, it's hard to put in humor. I'll try the best I can to give my characters "soul", within this piece.
2. I am trying the best I can do with describing then telling. It's really hard to describe something but your telling instead. If you don't understand this part then read the other chapters, otherwise I'll try to fix it.
3. I didn't think I did a 'author explanation', through out this piece. And by the way, this chapter is rated R. And, my writing can be explicit. Sometimes.
4. Plot? There's going to be a plot! This was just the beginning. Cain may be irritating to you but not to me! I'll throw in some flaws, to make him not so great. Maybe I haven't got the uniqueness yet. And if you don't like 'immortal love', then DON'T READ IT!! If you can't care about my characters past relationship, then don't read this. Their relationship does have a point to the story.
5. Mistakes? Didn't I say that this was fresh and raw? No comment.
Who says this has to do with the Twilight saga? Not everything, everyone, writes had to do with that series.
Your review was helpful{in a way} and was to irritating. But I'll fix this one when I can.
-Merry
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Night Mistress
is having a writing problem.
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 1261
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Country: USA
1615 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, this story. it's going back and forward between the past and the future, right? because it's getting a little confused.
my advice: switch with one and make it work. i try to do a story with switching POV and it ended up getting the readers confused. so, just switch with one, or try too.
other than the getting confused part, i don't see anything wrong.
well, good luck with the future piece and pm me when you posted them.
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ashleylee
Ad Astra, Amor
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 1:46 am Post subject: |
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Short, but to the point. This was good, Merry. You had all the passions right and everything. It looked good. I do have some stuff to point out, however.
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| The night air smelt of the salty ocean and there was a cool breeze coming from the midnight, crashing waves. |
“Midnight, crashing waves”?? I’m not sure that is the right description. I mean, I know what you are saying but it is kind of odd. Try to describe the time of night and the waves differently.
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| We were together, with our fingers intertwined, staring the vast ocean in front of us that went on for miles on end. |
I think you are missing the word “at” in here. Slip it in between “staring” and “the”
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| “Cain, it's so beautiful.” I sighed as I turned to look at him. |
Comma after “beautiful” instead of a period
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| A moment passed and we pulled away with our foreheads touching while we breathed heavy. |
“heavily” instead of “heavy”
Comma after “what”
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| I don't want this to happen to us. |
You change tenses here. Use “didn’t” instead of “don’t”
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| “I know Cain, but can't we just-” |
Comma after “know”
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| I always love you Cain...forever and eternity. |
Comma after “Cain” and it should be I will always love you, Cain…
Now, for some things overall that I noticed:
Through our differences, we find love.
Okay, in your story, you said:
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| These kisses were always different, with me being a vampire and him as a immortal. |
Now, I think this would be a perfect time to describe this relationship more. Slip in more detail, expand, elaborate. It’s like you are setting us up for something and we get all excited, and then you just end it like that. You need to give us more! 
Past, Present, and Future. They mingle together to create life.
I notice that you switch tenses sometimes. I caught a few of them but you might need to watch out for that in the future. I know that you do switch tenses and stuff with each chapter (believe me, I really enjoy that part of your story. So creative!  ) but you do need to watch out for that. Just a warning for the future.
Besides all that, this was good! I really enjoyed it. But I hate how they break up. I mean, I really was growing fond of Cain and now, they just split! Sort of angers me…Grrr…but I guess I will get over it lol
Keep up the good work!
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lucyy
Daydreamer
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Joined: 16 Jul 2008
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Country: Stuck in a book...
360 Points
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