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Innocence Dies Young
Innocence Dies Young

by WaterVyper in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 31, 2008
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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 6

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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:25 pm    Post subject: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 6 Reply with quote

I hope you're happy, those who complained about short length; I made this one much longer. Oh, I changed the human guy's name from Wes to Dane, if any of you wonder when reading this. Also, in this chapter I explain how the pendants stay on when they change into wolves. I know someone asked.

Chapter Six

My paws already knew where I was going before I did. It was the only option, really. I couldn’t break the Law without doing it all the way.

I ran through the unfamiliar trees of the land beyond the range, towards the one thing I’d been told to avoid my entire life, towards the one thing I was suddenly drawn to with every fiber of my being.

There were new smells in this place, new animals that I didn’t know. It was as if I had stepped out of one reality and into another. I could feel the humans. Their scent was carried to me by the wind, but my wolf senses had nothing to do with the sensation of presence. Of raw emotion and loud noises. Humans moved around more loudly than our kind. We were used to treading softly in pursuit of prey, but these creatures had no such instincts.

The smell of their campfire reached my nose. Smoke, meat, wood. The smell of the blood in the meat caused my muscles to tense, and my teeth clamped so hard in my jaw that it ached.

I slowed when I was so close that, in the brush a bit ahead, I could see the orange light of the flames. My body was a myriad of emotions, more strong than I had ever felt before, among the Pack. I’d expected it, though—Father had once told me that humans brought out these things in us. It’s chemistry, he said. Two species so alike and so different coming together. We clash, Genny. Our kind is not meant to dwell with their kind.

But I was curious. I’d only seen a human once before in my life: a trader that had come to our home. Uncle Richard and Charles had made it clear that he was not welcome, making the rest of us stay indoors. The trader must have felt the truth in their words, because he did not stay the night, though there was a bad snowstorm about to come to the valley. He also must have spread the word about our animosity; no more traders ever stopped in Mackenzie.

And now these humans, animals that I hadn't given much thought about throughout my life, were closer than I ever could have imagined. Carefully approaching, staying behind the trees, I found a comfortable hiding spot beneath a bush on the outskirts of the ring the humans had created. Yellow eyes glowing, I watched them. Their small campsite had many objects I didn’t recognize, being as isolated as I had been growing up. Through the brush I could see the glint of something red, and made of metal. It was some sort of contraption on wheels. Strapped to the roof of the contraption was a table. I briefly wondered where the chairs were as I turned to look at the humans.

There were five of them.

I studied them with all the intensity I used on a hunt. Not because I intended to spring, and treat them as I would an elk, but because they required the same concentration in order to catch all the details, their surroundings and their ways of living.

An older woman, looking to be about Cornelia’s age, fed sticks to the fire. The expression on her face was absent, as if she was lost in thought. Though it was obvious the thoughts were not pleasant to her; her skin seemed to sag, and her brow puckered in the way that my father’s did when he was troubled.

Two children, younger than Keith but not as old as him, slept inside two large sack-things. I’d never seen the things before, and didn’t know what to make of them. They looked like large socks, but with zippers on them. The children looked snug and warm. I couldn’t make out their sexes.

On the other side of the fire was another pair, though not in the sock-things and not as young as the children in them. These two humans looked… my age. The girl was small and slender, sitting cross-legged and reaching her hands out to the warmth. Her hair was as long and dark as mine, though much curlier, and her pretty face was marred by a scowl.

“This is insane,” she was hissing to the boy sitting beside her. It was then that I turned my attention to him.

My eyes widened, and the breath caught in my throat. I took in his dark eyes, his black hair. In many ways, he looked very similar to Mark. But this boy didn’t have that half-amused, half-sardonic smile that Mark always had. He didn’t have that mischievous twinkle in his eye. This boy was beautiful, in an angry, dangerous way. He didn’t wear the scowl that the girl did, but his lips were pursed, and he held himself away from the fire, as if its warmth scalded him.

“Shut up,” the boy snapped, glancing at the woman across from them.

The girl didn’t listen. “Mom, we can’t stay here. Look at this place. There’s no one around. It’d be like living on an uninhabited planet. What are we going to do when someone breaks an arm? When we need food, and shampoo? It’s—”

“Shut up, Marie,” the boy said through gritted teeth. “Not now.”

The girl—Marie, I now knew—glared at him. “You can’t tell me what to do. I have a right to say what I’m thinking. And I think this is the dumbest idea you’ve ever had, Mom.”

The boy opened his mouth to say something to her again, but now the older woman finally cut in. “No, it’s fine, Dane. She does have a right, as she says. But,” she added when Marie’s face brightened, “we’re not leaving. I have everything arranged. There’s a town not too far from here. About thirty or so miles—”

“Thirty miles!” Marie wailed.

“—and they have a doctor that has already told me he’s willing to drive out here in case of an emergency.”

“When did you go and talk to him?” Dane asked, his voice low and furious.

His mother glanced at him, expression unreadable. “A few weeks ago, when you guys were up at your uncle’s.”

“So you’ve been planning this for a while,” Dane stated. Even I could sense his boiling anger, just below the surface.

“Yes,” the woman admitted. “I—”

“Wow, thanks, Mom, for including us in your decisions when you make them,” Marie snarled. “You told us about this, what, only four days ago? You barely give us any time to say goodbye to our friends, pack all our things when we’re at school, and then take us here. What kind of—”

“So you expect us to drive thirty miles every day to get to school?” Dane interjected. I couldn’t take my eyes from his face. “How do you expect to pay for all that gas?”

The woman hesitated. “I thought we’d try out home schooling for a while.”

“Home schooling?” Marie shrieked, her mouth dropping open in horror. “Are you kidding? That’s, like, my own personal hell! This place is my own personal hell!”

“Lower your voice, Marie,” their mother said, voice stern now. “You’ll wake the twins.”

“I don’t care about waking the twins up!” she retorted. “I can’t believe that you actually think I’ll agree to this!”

“I’m not asking for your agreement,” the older woman said. Marie drew back in shock, and even Dane looked surprised. “I’m going to do this,” their mother continued. “The men are coming up tomorrow to make the repairs on the house to make it more livable. We’ll move our things in, and try this out. If you still hate it after a year, I’ll think about moving back. But for now, I don’t want to hear any more.”

Marie, surprisingly, didn’t argue. Her brother also remained silent.

After a few tense moments, Marie stood. She muttered under her breath, as she unrolled another sock-thing I hadn’t noticed resting by the red contraption on wheels.

Returning, she laid it out a few feet away from the fire, and crawled into it. Soon she was tucked away inside it like the other two children, her unhappy face in my direction.

“Well, Dane?” the woman smiled at her son. “Do you think you’ll survive out here, without your internet?”

He didn’t answer at first, and both the woman and I waited. Finally, he sighed and turned away from her, jaw working and fists clenched. “We’re all doing this for you, Mom. I don’t need isolation to get over Dad. I don’t like this any more than Marie does, but I’ll keep my opinions to myself. Just don’t expect me to pretend like I’m happy about it, or to stop talking to my friends back home.”

“Honey…” the woman began. But the expression on her son’s face must have stopped her from saying whatever it was she was going to, because she shut her mouth, and slid into her sock-thing. Dane simply sat there, arms wrapped around his knees, and glared broodingly into the fire.

I shifted slightly, my leg beginning to cramp. The movement didn’t make a sound, but Dane glanced up anyway. I froze.

His eyes changed from the resentment they’d had a second ago to puzzlement. He stared at my bush, and leaned closer. I stopped breathing.

Then he stood, brushing off his jeans, and stepped even closer. He never took his eyes away from my hiding place.

“Dane? What is it?” the woman asked, noting his movement and narrowed gaze.

“I don’t know,” he replied, stepping over her to get even closer to me. “There’s something in the leaves, there. See it? It’s… glowing.”

With a start, I realized in panic that he meant my pendant. He was too close now, and his hand was outstretched to touch the rock embedded in my furry chest. He hadn’t seen me yet; it was too dark. But if he were to touch me and comprehend…

Moving so quickly that Dane jumped, I jerked out of the bush, and ran away as fast as my four legs would carry me.

“What the hell…?” I heard Dane say. I ran back in the direction I came, back to Mackenzie. Back to the Pack and Jeff. Back to reality. Back to where I belonged.

And yet I knew that I would return to the humans again.


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Last edited by KJ on Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Squeeeee! Excellent chapter, I loved it!

One tiny typo thingy:

Quote:
He was to close now, and his hand was outstretched to touch the rock embedded in my furry chest.


to = too
wrong one!

I really like the way she looks at humans - realistic from a werewolfs point of view, just like other humans. Also interesting idea about the emotions being brought to the surface so strongly.

Chapter seven soon, right? Very Happy

Cheers,
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw, KJ, I didn't "complain" about length. ^_^

Quote:
I’d only seen a human once before in my life: A trader that had come to our home

The a shouldnt be capitalized.

Quote:
Carefully approaching, staying behind the trees, I approached them

You say she's approaching twice here.

This was the best chapter yet! Introducing these new characters has really altered the story. Now we have two storylines, gives the story a lot more depth.

I really can't find anything else to say than that, and I feel bad, but I still really like it. I can't wait for the next installment.

~ Clo

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
towards the one thing I was drawn to with every fiber of my being.


Why is she drawn to the humans so much?

Quote:
It was as if I had stepped out of one reality into another.


It was as if I had stepped out of one reality and into another. I think that flows better.

Quote:
They looked like large socks, but with zippers on them.


Genna doesn't know what a car is or what sleeping bags are, but she knows what socks and a zipper are? Just a minor thing, but if she is sheltered from human things, then a zipper will be just as interesting as a car.

Quote:
The movement didn’t make a sound, but Dance glanced up anyway.


Dane instead of dance.

Like I've said before I'd like to know why they dislike humans so much.

Also I think Genna's transition from thinking humans are insignificant to fascinating, drawing her down the mountain, I think all of that is too abrupt. She should gradually change her opinion. Right now she is just going down the mountain because it is a necessity to get away from Keith. She just happens upon humans and as she watches them she begins to grow more curious. Perhaps you should also put in there somewhere how Genna doesn't think these humans look very dangerous like her father said.

I really can't find much else wrong with it. PM me when you have posted more!!
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Edited*

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually liked the length on this one. It kept me reading and it wasn’t unbearably long that I skipped sections. I read every word. But I do think you could have used a little bit more of insight with your MC again. I know I sound like a broken record but in this one, everything flowed so well that I didn’t notice it until the end. I didn’t really understand your MC’s fascination with the humans. Explain a bit more at the end. That’s all.

Now, I noticed only two things again:

Quote:
He also must have spread the word about our animosity; no more traders ever stopped in Mackenzie.



The end of this sentence is awkward. Try: …our animosity; traders no longer stopped in Mackenzie.

Quote:
Two children, younger than Keith but not as old as him, slept inside two large sack-things.


You contradict yourself here. “younger than Keith but not as old as him”?? What?? Try using only one of them, like younger, or not as old. But don’t use both. It confuses the reader.

Besides that, great job again. Really wonderful read!

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 12:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another great chapter, I love the indication that there's still more story before she gets in trouble with her family and then more story to happen in the present. And, the length of this chapter is just perfect.

Quote:
I ran through the unfamiliar trees of the land beyond the range, towards the one thing I’d been told to avoid my entire life, towards the one thing I was suddenly drawn to with every fiber of my being.

I think that this part could be split up into two or more sentences. It's a bit of a run-on sentence.

Quote:
I’d only seen a human once before in my life: a trader that had come to our home.

The trader confused me a bit, how did the trader find them? And, why is there a traveling trader when there are cars and such? The mentions of the trader remind me of an older time period, and then you put cars and other modern stuff into the picture.

Quote:
It was some sort of contraption on wheels.

See, this part made me wonder how the trader got there to their valley...

I did like the comment about the chairs, though. Very Happy

Quote:
On the other side of the fire was another pair, though not in the sock-things and not as young as the children in them.

I think this sentence could use some work. Remind us that this is a pair of humans, as we went from humans to sleeping bags and then back again. And, I don't think you need the 'in them,' I think people will still get what you mean.

And, that's all the nitpicks I found. This was an awesome chapter, I loved her first real look at the humans. And, I like how Dane and Marie's story got through, even though I'm sure that Genny has no idea what they are talking about.

Can't wait to see Dane, Marie, and Genny meet. Off to go read the next chapter!

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 12:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

nice chapter i was wondering if ur mc never saw humans before the trader how does she no wat a sock was or how mark got his jeans? like would they make them or buy or get from somewhere?

loving the story so far, keep it going
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello again, KJ!!!

Yay! I'm finally getting to this. It took me a while but here I am. I love this chapter like every other one. It had lovely descriptions and the scene with the family was very great because it was so realistic. Can't wait to find out more about why they're there. Dane? I kinda like the name, although its as equally as great as Wes. Ok I'm running out of things to say because there was no mistakes and this was just perfect. I loved I'll keep reading.
-Angel

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