Topic ID: 33789
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clueless
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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 2:02 pm Post subject: lost in death |
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Waiting by your bed-side
Waiting for a sign
I can't believe what's happened
With the hands of time
Tears are streaming silently
Uncontrollable and free
As I pray for your safety,
Please don't leave me
I hold your hand, it's growing cold
Your breath escapes, your tale is told
Running through the empty streets
To get away from death that creeps
My breath is short, I lose my pride
I slump dejected, by the road side
As sobbing fits take over me
My death, I breathe, is meant to be.
---would it be better if i just took out the whole first stanza?---
-m.j.- |
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hmmmm well, i hope you enjoyed.
Last edited by clueless on Fri Aug 08, 2008 4:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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kris
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197 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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What a beautiful poem. It was really emotive and poignant. OK so some parts of it were a little cliché but just because other people have thought them, doesn't mean that you have nicked it from them. So i give you full credit for it 
1 problem though. The rhyming structure was a little off, the two stanzas had different structures. Although i would suggest you stick with the rhyming couplets used in the 2nd stanza throughout. It gives a very innocent and honest feel to the piece.
Love
Kris
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clueless
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks kris =] |
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hmmmm well, i hope you enjoyed. |
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Rei
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:43 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, I'm with kris on the rhyming. I've never been a fan of inconsistent rhyming schemes myself.
That was really the only area I saw that needs improving. It's very simple and elegant and reads very smoothly. Great job! |
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Gabe
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Cool. The only part I thought was a little awkward was
"Uncontrollable, free
As I pray for your safety,
Please don't leave me"
it didn't flow very nicely and threw me off as I was reading it. It's a great poem though.
The rest of it I thought was great. Very poetic
"I hold your hand, it's growing cold
Your breath escapes, your tale is told"
"My breath is short, I lose my pride
I slump dejected, by the road side "
those ar my two favorite parts!
good job |
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fallenangel1239
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: Re: lost in death |
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I must say. this poem was really good. I liked the flow and rhyming. I too noticed the change in rhyming structure, and have to agree that you should use the rhyming couplets throughout the piece. Other than that I only really saw a couple things that I thought needed to be changed.
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| Uncontrollable,and free |
I added the bold word because it makes that line flow better with the rest of the poem. When I was reading it, that one line made me stumble a bit because it felt like there was a word missing.
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| As sobbing fits take over me |
This line I'm not too sure about. I like it, don't get me wrong, but it just didn't seem to fit. It threw off the rhyming and also kind of threw the flow off a little too. It would be better if it was played into the poem better because right now it just seems to stick out.
Other than that, I really liked the poem. I find it well written, depressing maybe, but still well done. There's nothing wrong with a depressing poem here and there. I've actually written quite a few myself.
Well done. Keep it up. |
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hobbes
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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coolness to the max. I think is one of your best poems yet. I have to agree with G to the abe though. those lines threw me of the poem bridge for a little(poem bridge?)
-the smooth criminal- |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: |
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Nice poem.
I especially liked the ending, it was by far the strongest part of the piece.
I'd have to agree about the rhyming, but to be honest if I hadn't read the reviews beforehand I wouldn't have noticed because it flowed well, nice use of words.
The only part that kinda threw me off was the uncontrollable, free line.
Great poem! Hope you post more on here! |
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horsez919
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
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Hey hey Mare-ray!! I really liked this poem it flows nicely. Of course, as you read the other comments-there was a little rhyming mishap...but that's in the past, now you know. 
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I hold your hand, it's growing cold
Your breath escapes, your tale is told
Running through the empty streets
To get away from death that creeps
My breath is short, I lose my pride
I slump dejected, by the road side |
This part of the 2nd stanza was my favorite to read. It has a good...uhm... emotional feel [i guess] and some imagery. At least for me! =]
Loved It!
_horsez919 |
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nekros
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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Seen someone die lately? Yay!
Anyway I liked it. Some parts of it did seem cliche but it reminded me that death is supposed to be sad, so thumbs up from me. Haha I'm a bit of a sadist maybe a masochist too. |
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sampaguita-imagination
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 12:25 am Post subject: |
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| I thought it was really good^-^ Rhyming poems we're my least favorites but....your poem made me like these kind of poems XD thanks |
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