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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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 Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 2:03 am Post subject: Tea Cups of Love |
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Tea Cups of Love
I put myself out there gently,
sliding a delicate china tea cup across a table.
My love in a tea cup, just for you.
Me in a tea cup, just for you.
I put my trust out there every time,
trusting you will return it just as gently.
But every time you drop my tea cup,
my metaphor for love,
I am always stunned.
I am stunned into the shock
and desbelief one gets when overcome
by the fear of another Humpty-Dumpty puzzle,
so impossible to solve.
Though every time,
I surprise you with my strength of heart.
You expect me to cry or leave, but I refuse.
Instead, sometimes to your frustration,
I stay.
Instead, for each tea cup,
I bend over and pick up the pieces at your feet.
And I am still here.
Perhaps I should know better by now.
Perhaps I should have cried before.
Perhaps I should have left long ago.
But maybe I have not yet learned my lesson.
Or maybe I will always be here to serve you my tea.
At least, there will always be a cup for you to sample,
filled to the brim with my love.
I really like this one. I wrote the first version this evening, and it has just kept evolving in revision. Tell me what you think! 
~Yoyo  |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:53 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this is good =] I can see why you're happy with it. I like it a lot, great metaphor. Really sweet and sad, I felt for the person writing here, always picking up the broken pieces. I think the best part was:
| Quote: |
But every time you drop my tea cup,
my metaphor for love,
I am always stunned.
I am stunned into the shock
and desbelief one gets when overcome
by the fear of another Humpty-Dumpty puzzle,
so impossible to solve.
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In particular those first three lines, really lovely.
The only line I'm not sure about is:
| Quote: |
| At least, there will always be a cup for you to sample, |
I just don't like the word sample, or the "at least," it doesn't seem to fit in to the flow of the poem very well. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: Re: Tea Cups of Love |
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Firstly, I love the title! I think it is a very sweet and fitting metaphor. I do have a few suggestions:
| yoha_ahoy wrote: |
I put my trust out there every time,
trusting you will return it just as gently.
But every time you drop my tea cup,
my metaphor for love,
I am always stunned.
I am stunned into the shock
and disbelief one gets when overcome
by the fear of another Humpty-Dumpty puzzle,
so impossible to solve. |
I think that while the repetition worked in the first stanza, using 'trust' and 'trusting' so closely jarred at the beginning of this one. In fact, you use a lot of repetition. Most instances work, but I think 'every time' in the third line could be changed to 'each time' or another alternative. I also think 'gets' in the third last line there should be swapped for something else, like 'feels' or 'experiences'. I'm maybe just not a fan of the verb 'get'. I loved 'Humpty-Dumpty puzzle'! But I'm not sure if it needs a hyphen.
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Though every time, - I think 'Yet' or 'But' would sound better at the start.
I surprise you with my strength of heart.
You expect me to cry or leave, but I refuse.
Instead, sometimes to your frustration,
I stay. - This is very good on its own line.
Instead, for each tea cup,
I bend over and pick up the pieces at your feet.
And I am still here. |
Again, another brilliant image at the end of this stanza. It's quite poignant.
| Quote: |
Perhaps I should know better by now.
Perhaps I should have cried before.
Perhaps I should have left long ago.
But Maybe I have not yet learned my lesson.
Or maybe I will always be here to serve you my tea.
At least, Maybe there will always be a cup for you to sample,
filled to the brim. with my love. |
I wasn't sure but now I think the repetitive structure does work here. But you can see I've scored out 'But' in the fourth line because I don't think it's necessary, and made some structure suggestions at the end. I changed the last idea to another 'maybe', because I think before it didn't make complete sense - the speaker says there would always be a cup to sample, after implying that at some point they might give up on the other person (learn their lesson). The change leaves everything open-ended, although I'm not sure if it makes the last stanza too full of 'maybe', 'perhaps' and possibility. I scored out the last three words, because I think the poem ends more effectively at 'brim'.
I think if you were looking to edit this poem, the main point to think about would be the repetition of words and structures - you might decide they become too much.
There was a tenderness in the poem - it didn't focus on anger at the other person, but on that feeling of loving someone so much that the speaker begins to accept too much. It was very poignant. Well done! |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked this poem, and the last stanza was my favorite of all because that's totally how I wish I could be >< . A real underlying theme in the poem is trust and persistance and I love how you personify those things through the tea cup. Great imagery =) |
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Gahks
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there,
Some of this stuff is really great. You could make some improvements, however (as always! )
"But every time you drop my tea cup,
my metaphor for love,
I am always stunned."
I think the tea cup metaphor is a wonderful idea, but you don't need to spoonfeed this to your audience.
TRUST YOUR AUDIENCE.
Through your excellent images, give them the Holmesian powers of observation. Give them the tools to reveal your language; give them the ability to gasp in awe as they realise your true meaning. That I find is most satisfying!
The other problem is the use of the passive voice. Unless there's an extremely vital reason for using it, I don't put it anywhere in my writing. The passive is what we call 'telling'. Writers should 'show' their ideas and not 'tell' them (I'm sure you've heard this before.) Thus if we turn the passives around:
"You stun me.
You paralyse me with the shock
and desbelief you get when the fear
of failing that Humpty-Dumpty puzzle,
of surrending to Excalibur,
sets in and coarses through you."
Look what happens. The writing feels much fresher and more immediate. This is SHOWING the reader the speaker's experience. As an author, you should constantly strive for new ways to show the action and not tell it.
But like I said, the tea cup idea is genius. You have a lovely wistful tone in your poem; now all you need is to follow my advice and this will be a near classic!
Great work! 8.5/10
Gahks |
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lex
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| Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: |
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hi there
it is really nice!!
i like it huh^^ |
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