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Chevy
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 Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 1:32 pm Post subject: stop(an idea) |
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NOTE: this poem sucks...i know. but a friend of my friend's hung himself in his back yard and i wrote this for him. strong critquing is needed...i would really love to make this a good poem.
the emo kid doesn't tell you to stop
when he stands in the middle of the highway
"don't let the danger ahead stop you"
he says, cracking his knuckles
while six trucks head for his life
the emo kid stands in the path of wicked
sitting in the seat of the scornful
he lies his head in the path of thorns
it doesn't matter where he bleeds
"never move from the middle of the tracks"
he says, tossing the change in his pocket.
he learns to love his murderer
and the sound of the train
is never haunting
since it doesn't matter where he bleeds
forty-eight hours later
six feet down,
in the corner of a field
they call a cemetery
the emo kid didn't know how to stop. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2005 11:18 am Post subject: |
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| gosh people! can't you say something!?h |
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Demonic_tears
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| Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2005 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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First off, you sell yourself short. This is a very good poem. Most poems that you may think sucks from the moment you write them, will not show their absolute splender until you read through them. Strangely, I can relate to the Emo kid. I always had the thought in my mind that I was the Ironman. Indestructable. Until, oddly, a tree fell on my leg.
Back to the poem. The beginning "the emo kid doesn't tell you to stop" I think should say "The Emo kid doesn't say stop." In the second stanza:
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the emo kid stands in the path of wicked
sitting in the seat of the scornful
he lies his head in the path of thorns
it doesn't matter where he bleeds |
I'm not understanding the entire stanza. The danger this stanza talks about is more of danger of the soul instead of body. It almost doesn't seem to fit.
As for the entire poem, I think I see a few lines that shouldn't be divided. But yes, it is a little murkey. Other than that, the story is great, the subject is great, and the poem is good. BTW, what made you pick "Emo kid"?
Have fun!
DT |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 1:24 am Post subject: |
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"the emo kid stands in the path of wicked
sitting in the seat of the scornful
he lies his head in the path of thorns
it doesn't matter where he bleeds"
I pulled this from the Bible...it's scriptual. A very popular passage that my mom made me learn.
I don't know what made me pick "The Emo Kid." I was just thinking about the nature of the guy who killed himself.
But thanks so much for the critiquing. It was greatly appreciated. |
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antigone
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Jeez.
No no no, it doesn't suck at all. It's maybe a little obscure, but it could be I'm just too obtuse to get it.
the emo kid doesn't tell you to stop
when he stands in the middle of the highway
"don't let the danger ahead stop you"
he says, cracking his knuckles
while six trucks head for his life
I don't understand this stanza. Is he trying to kill himself? If so, isn't he letting the danger ahead stop him? Why would he tell you to stop? Sorry if I'm reading it all wrong.
Maybe you could use something other than "the emo kid". It just seems like a typical teenage stereotype.
I loved the last stanza, particularly the last line. It's sad and powerful and makes a great ending. Good job. |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| I think that this is really good, but it was sort of depressing for me just because I know a couple of people that could very well end up being the kid in this poem. But I really did enjoy reading it. It pulled out a lot of emotion from the reader and I loved the words that you chose. Good job. |
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hekategirl
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't think this is bad at all, I actually like it alot. But I can't really connect everything together, its a little to vauge. And in the second stanza the lines were too jumpy, if you get what I mean. But I think this is a good idea for a poem. |
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Chevy
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| Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2005 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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Black Daisy: Yes, He is trying to kill himself. Once again, *sighs* I don't think I made that very clear.
Hekategirl: It gets hard when you try to include scripture references in poetry. Especially in a poem like this. I think it was the best I could do. |
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