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Murmurs
Murmurs

by The_Vizier in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on July 30, 2008
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chapter 1 (maybe)
Forgotten- Chapter 1

Forgotten-Chapter 2

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gamechanger10   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 3:00 pm    Post subject: Forgotten-Chapter 2 Reply with quote

Here's Chapter Two of my story: Forgotten.

---------------------------------------

Chapter 2

Warily, I sat down next to Will, painfully clutching my shoulder. All my muscles were tense as the man that had attacked us sat down as well. Thoughts and ideas on escape rushed through my mind. I almost didn’t notice when the man a few feet away began talking.

“I didn’t mean to fight you…” he informed, touching a cut on the side of his face.

I wasn’t sure what to say. Well, I wasn’t sure what to say that couldn’t be considered offensive. So I simply sat there, one eyebrow raised.

“Then why did you ambush us?” Will sorely sat forward in his chair.

“I didn’t!” the man defended.

“You threw a bag on my head!” What was this guy’s problem? Did he seriously expect us to trust him? Did he just walk up and say, ‘Hey, here are some teenagers sitting on a hill, I really want them to be my friends, so I’m gonna go throw a bag over that girl’s head,’? Um, no.

“Who are you?” Will demanded, rubbing the dried blood on his face, but never loosing eye contact.

I tried to change positions in my chair, but I knocked my shoulder on the wood and pain tore through my arm. I cringed and tried not to make any noise.

“I’m Joshua Rawleigh.” He shrugged. “But I already know you guys.”

Will and I exchanged nervous glances.

“You’re William, of course. And,” ‘Joshua’ turned to me. “Well, I can’t remember your name… But you’re John’s kid. And I only threw a bag on your head because I figured that if either of you screamed…it would be you…Sorry about your shoulder…It’s probably dislocated…”

“Oh, wow, thanks for that clarification...and the ‘apology’” I muttered sarcastically.

“No problem.” He shrugged and flipped his hair out of his face. I was beginning to learn that he was obsessed with making his hair look perfect. “Now, Will, tell me, how’s your aunt doing?”

Will faltered. I stared at him. He showed no emotion. But I knew him well enough to know that when his expression was blank, it meant that he was sad, confused, or worried. I figured that at that moment, he was a bit of all three.

“Who…are…you?” he asked again, studying his face.

“I’m Joshua Rawleigh.” He repeated. “But I suppose you wouldn’t remember me…I helped your aunt take care of you when you were younger.” His eyes sparkled as he stared off into space, lost in memories. “I knew your mother and your father and your uncle. Everyone. You have to believe me, Will. I promise you, I’m telling the truth.”

Will looked blankly at him, mouth open.

“Will, don’t listen to him.” I whispered, leaning closer to him. “He’s lying.” I didn’t believe this creep one bit. He just attacked us. He didn’t even have a good excuse. He could have come up with something better than, ‘I thought you’d scream.’

“You…You…Knew my parents?” Will said softly, ignoring me completely.

Idiot. Was my only thought.

Joshua smiled widely. “Yes. Yes I did.” He nodded.

“Did.” Will repeated. “I see.” His voice was loaded with sadness. He looked at me with sorrow. What was I supposed to say? I didn’t know. So I didn’t say anything.

“Well…your father’s still alive, of course. Didn’t you know?” Joshua sat up in his chair.

“I-…No…?” Will replied questioningly; inviting him to say more.

“Do you even know who you are?”

“Umm…”

“You’re William Kittaro.” Joshua shook Will’s shoulder lightly. He simply stared at him like he was insane. I always thought that Will’s last name was Tonzic. And, apparently, so had he.

By that point, I didn’t fully trust this man, but I at least wanted to hear what he had to say. What if he was telling the truth? I knew how much it would mean to Will if he was. But that wasn’t my main concern. I wanted to hear what he had to say, but I was still looking around the messy room; searching for an exit. If there was one besides the front door, it was buried beneath trash and who knows what. It was probably around one in the morning, but the room was extremely well lit, though I only counted five candles sitting on various ledges.

“Wh-What?” he stammered intently. I turned rapidly back to Will, wondering if I had missed anything when I was taking my little candle inventory, etcetera. Apparently, I hadn’t.

“You’re William Kittaro.” Joshua told him slowly.

I’d heard that last name before. It sounded extremely familiar, but I didn’t know from where or when I had heard it, but I was positive that I had before.

“Who…Who were my…parents?” Will asked hesitantly.

Joshua paused, deep in thought. He lightly brushed at his hair for about the millionth time. He glanced from me to Will and back. He appeared to be asking me something with his eyes as they rested on me. I couldn’t tell what he was trying to say, but he was definitely trying to say something.

Basically, I had no idea what was going on. As far as I knew, we were kidnapped and this Joshua guy was trying to lure us into a false sense of security and then he’d kill us. I usually believed that the most horrible thing that could happen would happen and when it didn’t, I just got lucky. Let’s just say, I got lucky a lot.

“I-…” Joshua stopped, still staring at me.

I shifted awkwardly, clenching my teeth at the pain in my shoulder.

Will looked at me, his face full of confusion and question. Then he turned to Joshua.

“Why are you staring at her?” he wondered aloud, almost sounding defensive. By then, I was officially mad at Will. He was being incredibly annoying. First, he seemed to completely trust Joshua and wouldn’t listen to a word I said, and now he was acting like he needed to protect me from him.

“Oh, I…um…” He shook his head and turned to Will. He opened his mouth to speak once more, but a loud crash came from another room and he jumped to his feet.

Will and I stood up as well.

“What was that?!” I demanded quickly, trying to ignore the pain in my shoulder as I knocked my chair backward while getting up. The back banged into a brick fire place. I jolted when I heard it, extremely jumpy. More than normal, anyway.

“I don’t know.” Joshua grumbled, pushing past Will and me and hurrying into the kitchen. Well, at least I think it was the kitchen. From what I could see, it had food all over the floor and counters.

As quickly as he had gone into the kitchen, he hopped back out.

“What? What is it?” Will tried to get a look inside the room, but Joshua pulled him away and shoved both of us toward the front door. I tripped over some sort of statue lying sideways on the ground and caught myself by grabbing onto Will’s arm. Pain erupted in my shoulder.

I was panicking by then; all sorts of thoughts running through my mind.

“It’s David! Hurry!” Joshua whipped open the door but then froze, one hand on my shoulder as I tried not to show pain, the other on Will’s.

“Who?” he asked, turning to Joshua. He didn’t answer. Or at least, I don’t think he answered. I was too busy staring at the swarm of knights surrounding the small, brick house to chime in on their conversation. I felt Will jump back when he noticed everyone.

“I’ve missed you, Will.” A hoarse voice came from behind us.

We all spun around. The first, horrifying thing that I saw, were the man’s blood red eyes.


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clueless   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 1:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey joce, im so excited for this..... i know it's gonna be a really cool book. ok, now for the critique-- this paticular chapter is really confuzing if you haven't read the first book, but thats not neciccarily a bad thing. its one of those things where i know it will all make sense soon and this chapter is only starting to reveal something a lot larger. some main, plot point. thats pretty much how you write. which is not a bad thing.


for this chapter, i didn't understand the transition between it and the first chapter. in the last line of the first chapter joshua is saying, "come with me." then you introduce this new chapter as them sitting dowwn. i was not sure if they were still on the hill or what. so maybe if ou put more of the setting in the first sentence or so, that would be clearer. i only got a small idea that they were somewhere else when you said "will sat sorely forward in his chair."



i also think that they way you ended with david coming in is totally cool. it's great hook and it makes me want to read the next chapter. cuz knowing what we know about david, it's not gonna be a pretty scene.

never stop.

-m.j.-

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, M.J., they were in a house. I thought I made that pretty clear, but, hey, that's your opinion. And about the next chapter, that's up to Mark and Gabe with what happens. Not me. WEe're switching back and forth from Zeria's POV to Will's. Just to let you know.
I'm not sure if they're done or what, I haven't heard from either of them since we met up on Monday...

Thanks for the crit!

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i only got halfway way through, but thats OK! yea......cool. Gabes writting some good stuff. i think this book is going to be stupen.(you dont deserve the "dous". just kidding.)



- kung-fu master -

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome I loved reading this chapter! Uhm...at least to me, there's not much to critique.
Quote:
...head because I figured that if either of you screamed…it would be you…Sorry about your shoulder…It’s probably dislocated…”

You probably intended for the "s" to be lowercase,but yeah.

I can't really find anything to critique...then again I kinda have to work on my critiqueing skills....[?]. Hah.

Good 2 chapters so far. Very Happy



_horsez919
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