Topic ID: 33727
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Sportgurl46
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 Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: Above It |
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ok, so, this poem was created by me when I was a couple years younger, and I honestly think that it is completely cheesy and genious all at the same time. It isn't my favorite poem, but I thought that I would post it anyway.
Do not take
their ugly whispers.
Do not live beneath
their raw tongues.
Recall a moment
above the aching.
Think from beauty,
and be exactly
who you are.
please let me know what you think  |
Last edited by Sportgurl46 on Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:56 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Livinginfantasy
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: Re: Above It |
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| Sportgurl46 wrote: |
ok, so, this poem was created by me when I was a couple years younger, and I honestly think that it is completely cheesy and genious all at the same time. It isn't my favorite poem, but I thought that I would post it anyway.
You need not take
their ugly whispers.
Do not live beneath
these raw tongues.
Recall a moment
above the aching.
Think from beauty,
and be as special
as time.
ok, it's more cheesy than I thought, but hey, a poem is a poem, and I felt like posting it, so there it is. It is sloppy, doesn't flow, and could use a lot of work. (those are just my thoughts on it) please let me know what you think |
Are you kidding me? I thought this was great! It's simple and yet it conveys a powerful message... I like this alot. I also like some of your word choice like "ugly whispers" and "raw tongues" those were great.
Sorry, I don't have much a crit... it's more like a compliment.  This is getting a star! |
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andimlovegalore
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, this actually wasn't cheesy at all. When I read what you'd written about it being cheesy I was sort of groaning, waiting for it to not be very good, but I liked it a lot. I see why you say it - the subject of loving yourself has been done a lot. The message of believing in yourself and not letting anyone put you down.. yeah it's been done. But you did it in a really original way with some lovely language.
I especially liked "recall a moment above the aching" it's just lovely. Your imagery and writing are just wonderful. I actually love this poem. It spoke to me, I feel uplifted and also sort of sad because of it - it's poignant. I can feel the sadness from it, the resonance of being alone and feeling terrible about everything, and then with that the strength of moving above it.
I honestly have nothing bad to say about this =] I just love it. My only advise would be to put yourself down less! |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: |
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It is quite choppy and it doesn't make much sense right now. The language sounds pretty and you have the seed of a nice idea as far as content, but nothing is coherent. You make the reader ask more questions with each line and never answer any. See:
| Quote: |
You need not take
their ugly whispers. |
Whose ugly whispers? Why would you take them? Take them from what?
| Quote: |
Do not live beneath
these raw tongues. |
I'm thinking this has somethng to do with the whispering but really, I have no idea. You need to connect these two ideas somehow.
| Quote: |
Recall a moment
above the aching.
Think from beauty,
and be as special
as time. |
Again, I can't really see how any of this connects to anything else above.
Make it cohesive!!! Right now it's a jumble of ideas that don't seem to go together. Link them together, answer some questions, and give it some imagery and you should be golden! Notify me of any revisions! I'd like to see how this might evolve! Good luck!
~Yoyo  |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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I'm here as requested
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You need not take
their ugly whispers. |
I like these first two stanzas, but t make it sound better maybe you shold say " Do not take their ugly whispers" just a suggestion
| Quote: |
Do not live beneath
these raw tongues. |
To make it sound better change "these" to their
| Quote: |
Recall a moment
above the aching. |
Very good! I liked these two stanzas
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Think from beauty,
and be as special
as time. |
Um, these last three stanzas are a little cheesy, but the meaning isn't, so i think if you re-word them it will be brilliant!
try this: Rise from words,
To make your own
It's your life worth retaking
Trust me, substitute that in with the rest and then read it it sounds great. Or you can keep it as is and it will still be great.
hope I helped
---Jon---
P.S.-- Gold Star! |
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In_the_Moonlight
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: ........ |
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| This is the most adorable poem and what's great about it is that it states a fact. Stay true to yourself- at least that's the message I got. |
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Shallowdepth
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| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Very simple yet so true. When you wrote I think, though correct me if I'm wrong, you were at that tranistioning age when one grows into young adulthood. And sadly, a lot of us at that age lose ourselves to either passing fades or agendas. "Stay true to yourself". I think that's something a lot of kids this day and age need to hear. Good job on the poem ^^ |
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Sportgurl46
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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to be completely honest, i was just experimenting with my dads refrigorator magnet words. i was just putting a bunch of them to make sentences, then it turned into a poem that, at the time, i thought was very smart for my age. it's a good thing i wrote it down though, because the next time i saw it it was completely destroyed and messed up into a saying that was kind of the same structure, but with some different words that made it sound like a little kid wrote it. (it was probably my dad)  |
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