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This thread was created on July 29, 2008
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To My Love
Topic ID: 33724
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 938
Reviews: 379
Country: living through my third eye
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 Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: To My Love |
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To My Love
May this only be pretend,
our use for each other
as reflective muses.
I think if we met,
perhaps we'd see how real
this may truly be.
We shine so brightly
even when we're apart
we are more than simply
mirrors for each other.
We are beacons of every
imaginable trait and virtue
we love.
I plead that may we meet again,
that now this pretend love,
outshines our little games and lies
to become so blindingly bright
that all may see the truth between us,
and that none
may deny the love I do believe we share.
~Yoyo  |
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ta-mara
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 27 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 12:46 pm Post subject: |
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May this only be pretend,
our use for each other
as reflective muses.
First stanza, I think you should have more of a better what's called a "hook" here. The last line in this stanza was a bit plain for me.
I think if we met,
perhaps we'd see how real
this may truly be.
We shine so brightly
even when we're apart
we are more than simply
mirrors for each other.
We are beacons of every
imaginable trait and virtue
we love.
Very Very sweet. Good word choice and very original phrases used here.
I plead that may we meet again,
that now this pretend love,
outshines our little games and lies
to become so blindingly bright
that all may see the truth between us,
and that none
may deny the love I do believe we share.
Sweet ending.
I do feel like however the last line here leaves me on a lingering note. This poem doesn't feel "finished". however, I realize that sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it is a bad thing. Here I am unsure, but I am leaning onto the good side =)
It's a sweet, short poem here. Room for improvement could be made by wording things in different ways to make them more interesting or making the reader maybe have to infer the meanings of some words. I'm not saying the word choice you have here wasn't good, I am simply saying you could build on it a bit more. The poem did make me feel sympathy for the person struggling through this ordeal as well. This could be considered lyrics poetry or it could be considered dramatic. One things for sure, the way you expressed certain things was beautiful. The symbolism of mirrors was my favorite. Magnificent. Perhaps you remember me from my other account tennisprincess? You did quite a few reviews for me I think. I forgot the password to that account so I had to creat a new one  Anyways, I hope we chat again.
Great piece.
8.5/10 |
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jenni321
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 22 Dec 2007
Posts: 106
Reviews: 34
Country: 2nd star to the right
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:45 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this, sweet and simple, which is my favorite kind, personally. I have to agree with ta-mara though, the first stanza was a bit, plain, lacking. there's the word, lacking. the middle,
| Quote: |
We shine so brightly
even when we're apart
we are more than simply
mirrors for each other.
We are beacons of every
imaginable trait and virtue
we love. |
I thought that was really sweet, symbolic. However, I couldn't help but feel that the poem was missing something, it was verging on the edge between sweet and simple and the tiniest plain. I'm not sure what you could add though. Like usual though, I love your poems yoyo! Good job!
Jenni |
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| This thread was created on July 29, 2008 |
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