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Hunted: Part One
Hunted: Part One

by dragnet in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on June 17, 2005
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Exquisite

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IGuessImAnUnderwaterThing   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 3:27 am    Post subject: Exquisite Reply with quote

Essa looked at her lover, Dusk,

And spoke in hushed whispers about ferris wheels,

And sea cliffs -- haunted places she dared not to go, just then,

For fear that she would be followed by the lingering whisper of an echo

Of a ghost saying "turn back", a blue eyed shadow

Whispering the future into her eyelids

As they split open in violent storms.



But Dusk did not speak,

Just closed his arm around her tighter,

For there was really nothing to say.



And Essa swung gently back and forth,

Salt stinging her cheeks,

Still confusing cigarette smoke

For seraphims.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it...

You clarified the little moments..

Quote:
Whispering the future into her eyelids
As they split open in violent storms.

This the part I like the most, well thought...

And yess it's beautiful Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 8:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beautiful. I love the atmosphere. Well done.

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IGuessImAnUnderwaterThing   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't think of anything to change, it's absolutely funderful.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mm... me likey.

Great job.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 3:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

absolutely loved it! really loved the last two lines.

cheers
PM

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

very pretty.. what everybody else said only i am more suky-uppy so like i mean it more than them! Razz

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 5:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't like most poems I read. I liked this one. Since this is supposed to be critique though, I'll come up with something. I think the name Dusk sounds like a character in a comic book. But then, I only think that because I know someone who plays the video game City of Heroes and that is his superhero's name. Maybe it's just bad association. ::shrugs:: Wink

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This thread was created on June 17, 2005

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