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lulu_lizzrd
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 Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: Delihla- a girl who lives in Hell |
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My name is Delihla Bee.
I try to pretend my family is at least semi-normal and some of the time it works! But other times... well it's a living- hell, literally.
I live in Hell, you know the big red fiery place? But sadly it's not what most people think it is. It's actually pretty boring. We walk, talk and shop like when we were alive. In fact last decade I bought a new daemon that actually burps fire when you feed it pomegranates! But to be short and sweet Hell is simply where every one who dies and stays until they are reborn. The rest you probably know, if you were good you're reborn quickly otherwise, well ya... and unfortunately I have been down here for two thousand years and truthfully, it sucks.
Now comes the interesting part, because if i don't explain to you how the system works down here, you will get all upset when I call my little brother a slime ball. See, when a soul comes down they take on a form that "suits" them. My father is a giant rock like man completely covered in granite, my mother, well she's a harpy, screeching voice and all. Then comes my little brother and as you can guess... he's an Alien slime ball. Seven tentacles, gooey slimy skin and worst of all he smells like he was left in the sewers for weeks. But I guess I can't be that upset, back when I was alive my two living brothers smelt almost the same. Then comes me, the only person who's the form I am (and sadly species are only interested in the same species you know, slime balls with slime balls and harpies with harpies) and I got stuck as a human.
So I am going to tell you my story the only way I know how, sarcastic, truthful and hope fully not too overdramatic, so to all who have week hearts, see you after the last page! |
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I open my lunch box Hopin' to find a sandwich, an apple some cookies or cake but there, coiled and hissin' and set to unwind Is anouther big venemous poisonous snake leaving me hungry as can be you think my mother's mad at me?
Last edited by lulu_lizzrd on Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:29 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Nutty
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:35 am Post subject: |
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Hey!
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| (and sadly species only "look" at the same species) |
... Sorry, this confused me. She said she was the only human, but species only look at the members of their species? Try rewording.
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| so to all who have weeks hearts, |
Do you mean "To all who have weak hearts,"?
-Alien
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| your reborn quikly |
-you're reborn quickly
-Tentacles.
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| sarcasting and pretty much |
-Sarcastic.
Please, before submitting, proof-read and spell check. Just a hint 
Anyway, this was good. It was rather short, so I cannot say much, but the idea seems interesting so far. What did she do to be stuck down there so long? The whole family must have done something pretty bad... I want to know now :p
-Nutty |
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Jay
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 8:21 am Post subject: |
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Use "sarcastic" instead of "sarcasting", and make sure I as a proper noun is always capitalized. Say "everyone" instead of "every one". "Firey" should be "fiery" And say "weak hearts" instead of "weeks hearts"
This is an interesting and original take on a sinister concept, told through a funny and realistic voice. It's a refreshingly entertaining style that isn't seen often here. This part is short and sweet, but it's certainly promising.
Since Delilah's been in Hell for six million years, she must have done something pretty bad. Is it a different time frame-ie, a minute on Earth would be ten years in Hell, or has it been literally six million years?
Good luck with writing the rest of this-I'm really looking forward to it. |
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summergrl13
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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Wow, I really think this sounds interesting. And fortuneately, I see that I don't have to nitpick at you like Simon Cowell and feel all bad because all the other people told you the few issues and it looks as though you got rid of them all! Yay! Happy dance!
So yeah; this is a really good plot and I hope you will continue you this, and blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc. Nothing you haven't aleady heard, so yeah. Great job! Just want to congratulate you on a good plot that's will written and all that jazz!
0(o.o)0 |
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thething912
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| Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, there are some errors in there like every one should be everyone and there's a place where you forgot to capitalize the I when referring to yourself. I think you should add more detail it was kind of short and didn't really tell us much. Also, like the other critiques said, you should go back and edit it. |
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Meep
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:31 am Post subject: |
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I think you've got an interesting premise, but there are a few things I'd work on.
First is her tone; she says she's been in Hell for six million years. (Human beings haven't even been around that long, by the way.) However, she talks like a sarcastic modern day teenager. I'd either change the tone or explain why she talks that way.
Second, why is she the only human in her family? I know you said something about a form that fits, but what makes her human and the others ... not? Is this something you're going to get into later?
Third, is her family in Hell the same people she was related to by blood when she was alive or not? (I got the impression they weren't.) Why not?
Finally ... I love her name. |
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[deleted3]
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: |
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Now comes the interesting part
I personally am not into this kind of stuff, even if it is a sarcastic teenage narrator, just tell me the part.
Also, i disagree with the previous critique that you should explain why she is sarcastic. I think that would be a bad idea, b/c that's the whole point of the sarcasm is to not explain.
All in all a good start. But you should definitely address the reason she's a human in the subsequent chapters.
Good start! |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Your view about the "hell" is interesting.But there are some spelling mistakes that had been pointed
out by others,so I won't repeat them.
It's pretty short so that I can't make out the story,but it certainly is good beggining of one.
hope you will continue  |
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Firestalker
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 7:16 am Post subject: |
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First of all is this a prologue or a epilogue or The beginning of the story?
My name is Delihla Bee.
I try to pretend my family is at least semi-normal and some of the time it works! But other times... well it's a living- hell, literally.
I live in Hell, you know the big red fiery place? But sadly it is[Normally if someone is reciting the story no one says 'it is'. He or she must have another language which he or she can talk better if he or she does say 'it is'] not what most people think it is. It's actually pretty boring. We walk, talk and shop like when we were alive. (what do you mean by she brought?) In fact last decade I bought a new daemon that actually burps fire when you feed it pomegranates! But to be short and sweet, Hell is simply where every one who dies, goes, (cut the comma and add 'and stays') until they are reborn. The rest you probably know, if you were good you're reborn quickly otherwise, well ya... and unfortunately I have been down here for six million years and truthfully, it sucks.
Now comes the interesting part, because if i don't explain to you how the system works down here, you will get all upset when I call my little brother a slime ball. See, when a soul comes down they take on a form that "suits" them. My father is a giant rock like man completely covered in granite, my mother, well she's a harpy, screeching voice and all. Then comes my little brother and as you can guess... he's an Alien slime ball. Seven tentacles, gooey slimy skin and worst of all he smells like he was left in the sewers for weeks on end. But I guess I can't be that upset, back when I was alive my two living brothers smelt almost the same. Then comes me, the only person who has the form I have (and sadly species only "look" at the same species you know, slime balls with slime balls and harpies with harpies) (That confuses me. What does it mean) and I got stuck as a human.
So I am going to tell you my story the only way I know how, sarcastic but truthful, so to all who have week(its weak) hearts, see you at the end of my book!
Well that was short and sweet. Have you decided to post the rest of the story on YWS?? Well you better decide soon. PM me if you have already or are planning to do so.
Its interesting and eye catching. Two things a prologue or a epilogue or beginning of a story should have. And you have done it marvelously. But that does not mean you cannot add something to it. Next time add and describe as mush as you can. |
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