Topic ID: 33695
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Amaryllis
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jul 2008
Posts: 24
Reviews: 8
Country: Somewhere where there are lots of frogs
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 2:42 am Post subject: Out |
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I wish it could have been different
This wasn't supposed to happen,
Not this way.
You saw me kissing her,
And not a him,
I didn't mean you to.
I was going to tell you,
But only when all this
Straightened out.
Now I see your face
The angry gaze of shock
Disgust and horror
Just because I'm who I am.
Just because I'm not straight like you
Doesn't mean we have to
Never go back to the way we were
Before.
I love you, Mom, Dad,
But please don't judge me
About something I can't
Possibly help.
I am who I am
And you are who you are.
Now there is nothing to keep from you
No closets, no hiding away in the dark.
But now that it's out,
Will things ever be the same?
All I can do is wait
And see what will become of us
As life goes on. |
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Hallie!
New Member
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:52 am Post subject: |
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Hi! 
I liked your poem, it was nicely written out.
Um, this part...
You saw me kissing her,
And not a him,
... I would say You saw me kissing 'a' her.
Add that a, because you say a him, and a her would sound better.
Besides that this is really good!
-Hallie |
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singing_hope
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 5:19 am Post subject: |
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| Hello! I like the simplicity in this poem. It is there to tell exactly what has happened without hidden messages. Poetry doesn't always necessarily have to be so unnatural that a reader must beat the poem in order to get anything out of it. If this is based on an actual event, I hope the narrator reconciles with her parents. Bye for now! |
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andimlovegalore
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 545
Reviews: 111
Country: England
482 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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Sweet, sad, simple poem. I like kind of prefer poems with more of a hidden meaning, but that's obviously not what you were trying to do so that's fine. I liked the last stanza the best, it was the most expressive of emotions. That's one thing I would suggest, more emotion in this poem. It told the story and the problems and how the person was struggling, but you didn't really get the feelings across to me.
One more thing, capital letters. You start every line with a capital, and while it's not really a rule, I think it would look better if you just wrote it like a normal sentence. For example:
| Quote: |
I love you, Mom, Dad,
But please don't judge me
About something I can't
Possibly help.
I am who I am
And you are who you are. |
That would become:
I love you, Mom, Dad,
but please don't judge me
about something I can't
possibly help.
I am who I am
and you are who you are.
I think it looks better without all the caps, less like it's cut up into pieces and more like a smooth poem. |
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In_the_Moonlight
Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 87
Reviews: 54
Country: Nartimarick- yes it does exist.....
539 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: ........ |
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Things I liked:
*It was really creative and flowed sooo nicely.
*It told a story
*descriptive
*made me laugh, smile, and understand what the character was going through.
Things I think need work:
*I didn't at first understand what you were talking about until I read about 'Her' not kissing a 'him'.
Alltogether this is an insanely awesome poem. Keep writing and I hope to see more from you in the future! |
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I say, Be yourself and you save your soul.
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Amaryllis
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jul 2008
Posts: 24
Reviews: 8
Country: Somewhere where there are lots of frogs
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:48 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks! This was kind of a personal poem for me to post on an online forum, but I'm glad I did. It at least helped things get off my chest a little. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you all liked it! |
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