Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  
Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
  Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
When Characters Take Control
When Characters Take Control
by The Cheshire Cat in NaNoWriMo
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on July 28, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic		 Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
•Mutts - Beginnings
•Mutts - Birth
•Mutts - Hours
•Mutts - Too Much
•Mutts - Smell
•Mutts - Triangle
•Mutts - Storm
•Mutts - School
•Mutts - Why?
•Mutts - Outside
•Mutts - End
•Mutts - Green
•Mutts - Friends
•Mutts - Lunch
•Mutts - Touch
•Mutts - Where?
•Mutts - Red
•Mutts - Thunder
•Mutts - Enemies
•Mutts - Home
•Mutts - Not Enough
•Mutts - Days
•Mutts - Drink
•Mutts - Independence
•Mutts - Fixed
•Mutts - Earth
•Mutts - Moon
•Mutts - Insides

Mutts - Taste

Topic ID: 33689
 View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
It's elementary...
Speaker of the Forum

471
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 811
Reviews: 471
Country: Baker Street
650 Points
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:39 am    Post subject: Mutts - Taste Reply with quote

3/6/08

039 – Taste

There should be a metallic taste of blood in my mouth as I chew on my lip, but it isn't there.

They’ve gone for now, but they’re going to be back. Probably to kill me. I’m no good now.

They were trying to make me tell them where I came from. That is something I must never tell.

It is my own fault they caught me. Somehow, I’m not worried. Strangely, the only thing I miss is my tongue.

I knew that I was afraid and that I would talk if they hurt me enough. So I bit out my tongue. It hurts and I cry and scream, but it is not because I am afraid. I am brave now. They cannot hurt my family now.

They are coming back. One of them has a gun. I am still not worried, though tears run down my face from the stinging pain that rips through my mouth. The gun points at my forehead.

I am a hero. A hero without a tongue. Strange.

_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me

Jareth/Sarah shipper...

Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here!

Last edited by GryphonFledgling on Wed Jul 30, 2008 3:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Jay   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

43
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jul 2008
Posts: 97
Reviews: 43

300 Points
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This was an eerily moving piece for its length. I haven't read any of your other Mutts stories, so I'm just seeing this one...in a vacuum, shall we say. It's a very strong, frightening passage that has the reader admiring the hero for his courage. The last bit added a bit of black humour. I liked the way it was set out in paragraphs-very effective. I also liked how the title 'Taste' tied in with the theme.

I'm a little confused with this first sentence: 'The metallic taste of blood as I chew on my lip: it’s not there'. It doesn't make sense-how can he chew on his lip if it's not there? Also, I'd say 'The metallic taste of blood grips me' or something like that. It could be: 'I am seized by the metallic taste of blood as I chew on my lip. My tongue is gone'-something along those lines.

Overall, I loved this-sad, scary and poignant. The ending was especially effective.

_________________
Visit me at www.cutecritic.blog.co.nz
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
how superior.
Master of the Forum

268
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 1089
Reviews: 268
Country: USA
372 Points
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I agree with Jay said about the first sentence. It's somewhat confusing. Are you shooting for an allusion, symbolism, imagery here? What are you trying to say? Is the blood or the lip missing? A tad more information would be agreable.

Another thing I noticed. The flow of the piece itself is very bumpy. Very choppy. Your sentences tend to be short and staccato with one or two passages with commas and "and's" thrown in. I would suggest some variety, unless you were going for that rhythm. At the moment, it kind of reads like Beatnik poetry. Dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun, dun-dun. Combine a few. Attatch.

(I know I'm not necessarily the best person to give that advice, seeing as I suffer from fragments and short sentences myself.)

Anyway, that's all I could find. My goal is to review at least one Mutts piece per day. The concept itself seems fascinating. Have you finished all 100 or are you still working on them, because I seem to remember that Mutts was the first story posted here on YWS...

-Kylan

_________________
"'At's the shtuff! Give the friggin' world back to the friggin' people!"

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
xxfourthelement   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

16
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 18 Jun 2008
Posts: 105
Reviews: 16
Country: USA
300 Points
PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
The first sentence certainly is confusing - what's not there, his lip or the metallic taste?

I like your narrator, though. He or she is interesting, with that calm insanity of a person who's become so stressed that all sense and sanity just flies out of the window. If that was your intent, then the first sentence is fine - a crazy person wouldn't make perfect sense, or at least perfect sense in the way the sane perceive it.

There is the little detail about contractions, however. If you use contractions once, it generally sounds better for the character to use them all of the time. I see it this way: someone who says "I'm" all the time isn't going to say "it is," simply because of the way he or she talks.

The last line of this short is amazing, though. I love it. Facing death and contemplating the strangeness of being a hero without a tongue.

I would love it much more if you could change the first line a little, though. Otherwise, good work.

_________________
"...I laugh, and laugh, and laugh. Sometimes I can stop laughing before people start edging away and talking about soothing drinks." - Lord Raould of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak

Free Reviews
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on July 28, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic		    Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on July 28, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think. - Niels Bohr
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society