Alice
Disaster Zone
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 Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject: Forever rewrite chapter 5 |
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Sorry this story has been deleted. |
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I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail.
Last edited by Alice on Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:57 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Prokaryote
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 6:05 am Post subject: Re: Forever rewrite chapter 5 |
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Hi Alice!
Deleted words indicated by strike-outs; added/modified parts in bold; my commentary in red.
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Eve knew she was sick, or at leas least sleep deprived. She figured she had at least five hours before she’d have to get up and take a shower at the very least. It would also be the most opportune time, since dad would have been at work for an hour.
Until then she’d take a dose of Nyquil and sleep. She hit the soft sheets, blankets and pillows of her bed and immediately passed right out. She pushed all thoughts about would happen after graduation away. It wouldn’t affect her tonight; she was just going to have a good time with Jack. Jack her boyfriend and the love her life. Nobody else anywhere would or could ever compare to him.
Too soon her cell phone alarm sounded and she woke up. She felt a little better, not much, usually after waking up dreariness. [<< Awkward sentence; reword.] A shower would wake her up and she’d feel a thousand times better. She was sure.
She took a nice long shower, she shampooed and conditioned her hair twice and shaved her legs, just for the confidence boost of having shaved legs inside her jeans. By the time she finished she was wide awake and happy.
Her hair was the perfect length for double French braiding. A previously tedious task now was an unusually easy task was now unusually easy. She was even taking extra time and skill [Taking extra skill? What?] because she knew Jack liked it when she wore her hair like that.
No miniskirt for her tonight, though. she She went for her tight blue jeans with safety pins evenly lined down across like they had been sewn on to look like that. [<< Bad wording, awkward and vague.] Then a shirt that looked too long for a shirt, but too short for a dress. It was basic, simple, and perfect for a night clubbing. She’d worn it on her first real date with Jack.
She knew as she stepped in front of the mirror that she presented a wonderfully pretty picture already, just a little lip gloss and eyeliner to top it off. She pulled her necessities for it out of the drawer that was designated for her on the tiny sink that her and her dad had to share. Tiny drawer for her, tiny drawer for him, open cabinet space for cleaning things.
She was half way through applying the lip gloss when the cell phone went off. She didn’t get the buzz that came with a call, but the tone that came with a text message. It startled her so much and how sudden it was that she dropped the lip gloss and almost lost it down the drain.
After she saved it she flipped her cell phone open and read the message:
Sorry babe, you’ve got about three minutes before I get there. Red light!
Eve spit [<< I think that would be spat, since you're in the past tense.] out an expletive, and rushed to her room. She pulled on her thin black boots with white toes. She never had occasion to wear them anywhere else. She wrote a note to her dad and pinned it on the handle of the fridge. He wasn’t all that fond that she was dating Jack, but he liked him and knew she would be safe with him.
Once Jack drove into the driveway she ran to the front door,. before Before she opened it she paused and grabbed his leather jacket he had given her when he bought the motorcycle. She was getting the almost giddy urge to make him as possible. [<< What?] Their happiness would be intertwined for the night. The happier he was, the happier she would be.
When she stepped out onto the porch he wasn’t sitting on his motorcycle,: he was leaning against it, arms crossed, holding the straps of two helmets in his hands. He whistled at her and smiled appreciatively. Despite herself she blushed. It was proof it worked, she was pretty enough for him.
A sudden wave of depression hit her. She’d have to bring up the future soon. She knew it wouldn’t be long, probably at the end of the night. She was determined not to ruin the evening though. Fun was her only goal for tonight.
[You'll want a clear marker to indicate the transition to Jack's POV.]
Eve never ceased to increase in beauty. He wasn’t sure if she just grew more beautiful everyday or if he fell a little more in love with her everyday. Until he knew for sure he would just believe in both.
She was wearing the jacket he’d given her, and the shirt dress thing that she’d worn on their first official date. The universe was on his side tonight. Everything was going more perfect than he had hoped, and with hopes concerning Eve, they were always higher than the stars.
She hopped up onto the back of the bike and he drove away. The sun had set twenty minutes before, but there was still a touch of baby blue melding into the blackness and the stars, a rare form of twilight.
“Oh,” Eve breathed before he kicked the engine into gear.
“What?” he asked, “forget something?”
“No, it’s just beautiful,.” she She breathed and then chuckled. He didn’t get a chance to ask her if she remembered their plans to go see the Aurora Borealis after graduation. He thought of it as their last blast sort of thing, before they went to college. Well, before she she went to college. When he thought of going anywhere without her his world seemed to shatter.
He’d probably end up working at the gas station for a year or two, at least until his broken heart mended. He was well aware of the stupidity of this, but it wasn’t going to stop him. Not when there was a chance that it would work out anyways.
Instinctively he reached up with his hand and smacked where his forehead usually was. Instead of his forehead it collided with his helmet. The bike swerved and Eve screamed. He gripped the other side of the handle on the bike and steadied it. Bad idea. He switched his focus to the road until they got to the club.
They played great music as usual. They spun around on the dance floor laughing with pure joy and amusement. He walked away only once to bribe the DJ into her favorite song. When it came on she gasped at him, “you You didn’t!”
He grinned and swept her up against him,.“I did.”
She squealed and her arms locked tight around his neck as they danced. Her head drifted down to his shoulder. He lifted it up and pressed his lips to hers. When the song ended he knew it was the right moment, and if he missed it, he’d never get the nerve to say it again.
“Eve,” he said in the slight silence, “I’m in love with you.”
Her eyes froze in terror. Oh shit, he thought and tried to keep up with her as she was suddenly running away. From the club, from him, into the night, and once he had followed her out of the club, she was out of sight. It took a moment before the truth sank in. She didn’t love him. |
Just a little editing. 
Prokaryote |
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Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:48 pm Post subject: |
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**LOCKED** by request.
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