Topic ID: 33685
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Gadi.
that was good ... for your age
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 996
Reviews: 394
Country: under the covers
190 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: all these little things |
 |
|
all these little things
its so funny
how all the little things don’t count in the end.
i came upon this revelation
on a summer’s day
of packing. with sunburned, sticky arms
i raise books and toss them in dry
brown carton boxes: this is my own
modus operandi, my own fighting of boredom.
and i scavenge through old homework
papers, and diaries from the fifth grade
and a profusion of aged lemondrop-colored notebooks
bursting from newly opened cabinets.
all these little things
will be thrown away, tossed off—
old papers, old memories, old friendships—
that (maybe certainly) took hours to construct.
and now
it is all washed away
like water from stone. |
_________________
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Copenspire
Novice
Age: 15
Joined: 28 Jul 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 2
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
That's really good.
You could make some money off of stuff like that. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Amaryllis
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Jul 2008
Posts: 24
Reviews: 8
Country: Somewhere where there are lots of frogs
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
I really like the content of it; it reminds me of when I go through my own old notebooks and remember things from my past.
One random thing I noticed, though: the lack of capitalization. I don't know if you're trying to be like e.e. cummings (who used no punctuation and no capitals, it was his own style), which is fine, but if you aren't, you might want to change that. Other than that, I really liked it!
~Ryllie |
_________________
Yay for vacations! I'll be gone from YWS from August 1st to August 11th.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
singing_hope
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 5:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
| This is nicely written. Although I have to say...perhaps these "little things" may not physically exist anymore, I still think they are embedded within our thoughts and therefore never really gone. I actually like that you didn't bother with punctuation or the sort (why do we have to alter our writing so much to fit the expectations of readers, right? what matters is WHAT is said not HOW it's said) Moreover, I like how you use imagery, giving the reader a sense of what the narrator is looking at. |
_________________
"Live deep and suck the marrow out of life." |
|
| Back to top |
|
singing_hope
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 29 Jul 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 5:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
| 'HOW it's said' meaning the "look" of the writing. |
_________________
"Live deep and suck the marrow out of life." |
|
| Back to top |
|
lady lazarus
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 31 Jul 2008
Posts: 28
Reviews: 2
Country: America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like the water from stone imagery, and this bit especially:
"i came upon this revelation
on a summer’s day
of packing. with sunburned, sticky arms
i raise books and toss them in dry
brown carton boxes: this is my own
modus operandi, my own fighting of boredom."
It's good...simple and good. My only recommendation would be to try not to mention everything being old so much. And I would maybe elaborate on the things you find, to make the memories/emotions/whatever ties you to them, stronger. Like where they came from and what they meant to you at the time. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
