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chapter 4: Drive to D.C.
chapter 4: Drive to D.C.

by Undercover_Ninja in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 28, 2008
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The Dark Goddess (title pending)
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The Dark Goddess [3]
The Dark Goddess [4]
The Dark Goddess [5]
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The Dark Goddess [8]

The Dark Goddess [1]

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Moriah Leila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 8:22 pm    Post subject: The Dark Goddess [1] Reply with quote

Josette impatiently paced the length of her Father’s quarters. It infuriated her that her Father always locked her up right before they were to overtake a ship. How was she ever to put her sword fighting skills to the test if all he ever did was allow her to duel with the crewmembers? None of them were man enough to let her lose and Jo was tired of being coddled. She was itching for a fight and here she was locked up like a common prisoner.

Peering out the portholes Josette couldn’t see much but the hull of the other boat. Someone had said it was a Spanish cargo ship but it was about that time that Jo had been corralled into the Captain’s quarters. Furious, Jo pounded on the door yelling to be let loose. Why was her Father so intent on protecting her? No merchant ship had ever fought back against Captain LaVie. Just by raising his black flag emblazoned with a white skull over crossbones caused many vessels to flee in fright.

Jo knew that the crew of the Dark Goddess had probably already boarded the captive ship and was helping itself to her goods. The Quarter Master Pegg would be taking inventory, deciding what to loot and what to leave behind. And her Father would be standing at the helm in his flashy Captain’s attire, looking fierce with his hand resting casually on his pistol. No doubt the crew of the Spanish ship would be begging for mercy hoping that they would at least escape with their lives.

Jo smirked thinking of how compassionate her Father truly was. He would probably press a few members of the crew into service to make up for those who had recently died of pneumonia but everyone else would remain safe if not a little embarrassed. For a sort of twisted entertainment, Captain LaVie always would leave his victims untouched but naked. Clothes were a commodity needed for his large crew and Anthony LaVie never missed an opportunity to fill his crews needs.

Suddenly, shouts were heard and Jo heard the distinct pop of muskets being fired. The clanging of steel drew her to the porthole, her nose squished against the glass as she attempted to see what was happening. Surely the merchant ship wasn’t attempting to fight back? As Josette sat there listening to the noises she had no choice but to reach this conclusion. Even more enraged, Josette pounded and kicked at the sturdy oak door that kept her captive. She should be out there fighting!

A cannonball crashed through the side of the ship, rolling across the floor to stop at Josette’s feet. Jo couldn’t believe those damn Spaniards were blasting holes into her Father’s ship! And at such close range, it seemed like a damn good waste of ammunition to her. Jo stood at the gaping hole that had just been created her hands on her hips. Sure enough she could see One-Eyed Freddie fighting a dark-haired Spaniard on the deck of the opposing ship. What a fool her Father was to have her locked up when she could be helping with the battle.

Josette LaVie crossed over to where the iron cannonball lay and attempted to pick it up. After two tries she was finally able to heave it off the ground. Stumbling she crossed over to the door and slowly raised the cannonball. She dropped the cannonball against the doorknob and jumped back to avoid broken toes. The cannonball did its job effectively breaking the lock and allowing Jo her freedom.

Confidently she kicked the door open wielding her cutlass in her right hand and her pistol in the left.

Deftly she shot a Spaniard right in between the eyes just as he was about to stab William, the Sailing Master her Father had forced into service. He threw a surprised look over his shoulder and Jo caught a glimpse of gratitude before he turned back to connect swords with another intruder. The majority of the battle was being fought on the Spanish ship, but a few Spaniard’s had managed to swing over to the Dark Goddess. Jo saw her Father dueling with what looked like the Captain of the other boat. She admired his muscles and excellent form as they clanged swords, but briefly before she too was forced into combat.

The man who connected swords with her seemed surprised once he realized she was a girl. His movement faltered just long enough for Josette to gut him with her cutlass. Hot sticky blood spurted onto her hands and clothes but she didn’t seem to notice. It felt good to be fighting, a real fight, for she had been afraid that she wouldn’t have the stomach for it. In fact it made her adrenaline pump into overdrive and she felt high on endorphins.

Jo grabbed a rope to swing over to the other side, ready to get in the thick of the battle when she saw the musket aimed at her Father’s back. She watched in shock as the musket was fired, a cloud of smoke obstructing her view. The musket ball blasted its way through Anthony LaVie’s body bright red blood spurting out. Josette didn’t think, her body just reacted, slashing Spaniard’s until her arm ached.

She found the man who had fired the musket and shot him point blank in the face, gray brain matter splattering out the back of his head. Then she turned to her Father who knelt on the deck of the boat staring surprised at the blood pooling in his hands. The Captain of the Spanish ship raised his sword to strike the final blow and Josette shot off three rounds into the man’s heart. He fell down at her feet, his lifeless brown eyes staring into the cloudless September sky.

With his death it was as if all the members of the Spanish crew knew they were beat. Swords, muskets, and pistols clanged to the ground as they willingly surrendered. “Pegg!” Jo cried out her voice clogged with emotion as she knelt beside her dying Father. Captain LaVie looked up into her face, smiling sadly. “Get the surgeon!” She yelled fighting the tears. She would not cry; she was a LaVie!

Someone touched her arm and Josette looked up into the face of the mute Chinese sailor, Hang. His eyes pleaded with her, begging her to see her Father’s obvious fate. Jo turned away stubbornly, ripping her shirt to help stop the flow of blood gushing out of his chest. Her Father grabbed her hand, rubbing the calloused palm lovingly. “The black chest in my quarters,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Yes, yes,” Josette hated the way his bright blue eyes seemed to be glazing over and how his skin was so pale. Suddenly, Pegg was there beside her with the surgeon both of them bent over her Father’s body.

“Pegg,” her Father turned his attention to his loyal friend, “Jo is the new Captain. Make her the new Captain.”

“Aye,” Pegg replied in his Scottish brogue.

“Jo is the Captain of the Dark Goddess.” He tried to cry out so all could hear, but it came out as a mere whisper.

“You’re the Captain!” Josette protested her voice cracking.

Anthony LaVie looked at his daughter with a mixture of love and sorrow. He was fading fast. “I love you.” Jo watched as he pulled a leather cord from around his neck and pressed something into her hands. “The black chest in my quarters.” Blood gurgled up from his throat and he squeezed her hand weakly. “So proud.”

“Yes, I only want to make you proud!” Jo cried clasping his limp hand. “I’ll do whatever you want.”

Pegg grasped her by the shoulders trying to pry her away from her Father’s corpse. “He’s gone little lass.”

Jo couldn’t believe it, her Father was one of the fiercest pirates in the whole Caribbean. Had he truly fought his final battle? Jo looked up at the men standing about her. Some had their eyes lowered, their sorrow evident on their weathered faces. Others leered at her, daring her to cry. Josette would not cry. She was not some weak-kneed woman that revealed her emotions so openly. But it was hard to hold back the tears stinging her turquoise eyes when she held her Father’s dead body in her arms.

Now this would just not do, Jo scolded herself. Her Father had just made her Captain and she was blubbering like a fool. He would want her to be strong, to make him proud. Gathering her wits Josette stood up, her billowing white shirt and caramel britches soaked with crimson blood. “Pegg,” her voice sounded feeble as she searched for her courage, “my Father’s body, take it to his quarters. Have the men assess the damages to the Dark Goddess. Take inventory, we will take as much loot as our cargo will hold.”

Pegg nodded his head in submission. Josette knew she could count on him. His undying allegiance to her Father was her saving grace. “And what of the prisoners?”

Jo looked at the group of prisoners that had been tied together by her Father’s crew. “Kill them all,” Jo replied feeling her compassionate soul being quickly replaced by a dark void.

Pegg didn’t even flinch, “And what of the ship?”

Josette took in the little merchant ship. It didn’t look like it had suffered much damage and Jo could certainly fetch a pretty penny for it if she sold it when they returned to port. But to Josette the choice was obvious; the reminder of her Father’s death was too strong. “Take whatever we need for repairs and then torch it.”

Pegg immediately turned to the men assembled there. “You heard the Captain. Let’s move men.”

Whispers surrounded Josette, making her head throb. She didn’t need to hear what they were saying to know what they were talking about. Sailors were a superstitious lot and a woman on board, much less a female Captain, was considered bad luck. Why some of them were probably blaming her Father’s untimely death on her mere presence. It was almost too much for Jo to handle; she had to keep her composure! These men would jump at any sign of weakness.

Would her blood stain the deck of the majestic Dark Goddess before the sun rose the next day? Many of these men had watched Josette grow up since she was a babe, back when her Father was commissioned by the Queen as a privateer for England. But many had been brought on after the Treaty of Utrecht was signed and her Father had become a pirate. These shady characters her Father had collected from the West Indies and beyond were the ones she feared most. Was a mutiny in her future?

Pegg instantly silenced the men. “You heard her, she is the Captain now, and the Captain gave her orders. Someone help me with this body!”

William stepped forward and placed his hands beneath her Father’s armpits as Pegg squatted awkwardly to pick up his feet. Someone placed two planks down in between the two ships so that they could easily carry the body and the loot across. One-Eyed Freddie gave Josette a dark look before turning to the captives. Josette watched unmoved as fifteen men were shot in the head. Their deaths did nothing to subside her pain but Josette hadn’t expected it to.

Satisfied that her orders were being followed Jo walked across the planks and right into her Father’s chambers. Pegg had placed his body on the sturdy oak table her Father had done most of his business at. Her stomach was in her throat and her heartbeat thundered in her ears. She had looked strong and intimidating on the outside, but now she realized just how quickly that façade was crumbling. “Leave me,” she ordered sensing Pegg in the shadows.

Pegg attempted to shut the damage door but it still hung slightly ajar even after he was gone. Jo propped a chair against it to keep it closed. Finally, Jo let the tears flow freely. Her body was racked with sobs and Jo shoved her fist in her mouth to keep from crying out. She had known that one day her Father would die. Life as a pirate was not easy and she had seen many men die from causes such as battle wounds to food poisoning. Grief and fear caused Jo to react so unfavorably. Would she be marooned on some godforsaken island? How long would Pegg’s loyalty last?

Josette crossed over to her Father’s body. Pegg had graciously pulled a blanket up over his chest to hide the gaping hole left by the musket ball. Josette lovingly examined his face, admiring his high cheekbones, the aristocratic nose, and strong jaw line accented by his scruffy black facial hair. His lips were pressed together in a painful grimace and rigor mortis caused his empty chocolate brown eyes to stare at the ceiling.

Jo suddenly remembered that she held something in her hand as her Father had issued his cryptic message about the black chest. Opening the palm of her right hand Josette found a small iron key hanging from a leather cord. What did the black chest hold that was so important to her Father? Why had Jo never been told about this key or the chest until now? Josette couldn’t even remember seeing a black chest in her Father’s quarters. She retied the cord around her neck and hid the key beneath her shirt.

Josette felt exhausted from the strenuous battle. She was stricken by her Father’s sudden death. And the multitude of unanswered questions was simply overwhelming. Forgetting her fear, Josette settled into the red leather chair, her Father’s favorite chair, and laid her head down in her arms. She would look for the chest tomorrow when she wasn’t so tired. The gentle swaying of the ocean lulled her to sleep.



Last edited by Moriah Leila on Sun Aug 03, 2008 7:59 am; edited 1 time in total
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Autumn.Breeze.   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Peering out the portholes Josette couldn’t see much but the hull of the other boat.

Peering out the portholes, Josette couldn’t see much but the hull of the other boat.
Also, don't use couldn't see much. There's better ways to describe this.
Quote:
The Quarter Master Pegg would be taking inventory, deciding what to loot and what to leave behind. And her Father would be standing at the helm in his flashy Captain’s attire, looking fierce with his hand resting casually on his pistol.

Combine the sentences by changing 'and' to 'while'.
Quote:
Jo smirked thinking of how compassionate her Father truly was.

I'd probably change it to Jo smirked at the thought... or possibly add a comma after 'smirked'.
Quote:
Clothes were a commodity needed for his large crew and Anthony LaVie never missed an opportunity to fill his crews needs.

crew's
Quote:
Suddenly, shouts were heard and Jo heard the distinct pop of muskets being fired.

'heard' being too close and in the same sentence isn't a good idea.
Quote:
Jo stood at the gaping hole that had just been created her hands on her hips.

The wording is odd...
Quote:
Sure enough she could see One-Eyed Freddie fighting a dark-haired Spaniard on the deck of the opposing ship.

I like One-Eyed Freddie ;]
Quote:
In fact it made her adrenaline pump into overdrive and she felt high on endorphins.

In fact, it...
Quote:
Then she turned to her Father who knelt on the deck of the boat staring surprised at the blood pooling in his hands.

Then she turned to her Father, who knelt on the deck of the boat, staring surprised at the blood pooling in his hands.
Quote:
He fell down at her feet, his lifeless brown eyes staring into the cloudless September sky.

very good description and approach.
Quote:
“Pegg!” Jo cried out her voice clogged with emotion as she knelt beside her dying Father.

Jo cried out, her voice clogged with emotion, as
Quote:
Suddenly, Pegg was there beside her with the surgeon both of them bent over her Father’s body.

Suddenly, Pegg was there beside her with the surgeon, both of them bent over her Father’s body.


This is definitely much better then the first. The beginning portion when she's locked up in her father's chamber could of been made a little bit more eye-catching though. Try using description and emotion. try showing the action of her being locked up more of an emotional slander. It just didn't seem 100% real. When you got more in depth with the chapter, it really brought me in. I found it to be really good. Just minor grammar problems. Good edit. :]
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Clo   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Moriah! I'm returning the review, since I appreciate it! ^_^

Quote:
No merchant ship had ever fought back against Captain LaVie

I love the name!

Quote:
Anthony LaVie never missed an opportunity to fill his crews needs.

What a small nitpick this is - "crew's"

Quote:
Jo stood at the gaping hole that had just been created her hands on her hips

You miss a comma at the end there.

Quote:
She admired his muscles and excellent form as they clanged swords, but briefly before she too was forced into combat

Who is the "his" referring to - her father or the other captain? You need to clarify.

Quote:
The musket ball blasted its way through Anthony LaVie’s body bright red blood spurting out

You miss a comma in there too. "Anthony LaVie's body, bright red blood"

Quote:
Pegg was there beside her with the surgeon both of them bent over her Father’s body.

Missing comma. "with the surgeon, both of them bent over"

Quote:
“He’s gone little lass.”

"He's gone, little lass"

Characters
I like Josette a lot. She's fiery and brave, and that's obvious. Some problems with her though: I don't know what age range she's in, or what she looks like. We need more physical features, and I thought she was a lot younger at the beginning and gradually begin to realize she must be in her late teens or early twenties.

Plot
I love it! I think it's wonderful so far. I've never read a story about a pirate ship, and the descriptions and everything satisfy me. The only thing that could use some work is the setting - where in the world are they located exactly? Is it tropical? Most likely. I'm not sure. Not entirely a necessity though.

Overall
Your descriptions are beautiful. The story overall is written very well.

Thanks for the read! PM me with questions!

~ Clo

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, just to say that I liked this version a lot more than the previous one, it was more exciting and less... cheesy. I liked the start, especially the bit about 'how none of them were man enough to let her lose', I thought that was clever. All the names were very good as well, I thought they were pirate-y without being clichéd. It looks like others have dealt with all the minor sort of 'nitpicking' errors, and I don't have much more to add... although I wasn't sure about her grabbing a rope to swing over to the other boat, how would that work?
Anyway, good work on this much-improved version and please continue with this story!
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 1:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Jo stood at the gaping hole that had just been created her hands on her hips


I think this may have already been tagged, but you need a comma between created and her.

Quote:
did its job effectively breaking the lock

rather than point out the missing commas (there's one between effectively and breaking above) I'll make sure you know the rule. Everytime you pause during a sentence to make the word order logical, a comma is required. Without a comma the above line could read as it either effectively broke the lock or it effectively did it's job.

Quote:
but a few Spaniard’s had managed to swing over to the Dark Goddess


no apostrophe

Quote:
and she felt high on endorphins.

is this the kind of narration you're after? Do pirates even know what endorphins are?


Almost everything else has been picked over by the other scavengers (other reviewers don't be offended, the term is affectionate). I have to say that the introduction is a wonderful addition and the rewrite has been masterful. It's something I'd love to go over with a fine tooth comb at some stage, but unfortunately other reviewers go to it first Sad. Well done on an amazing riposte.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 4:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i liek this version better. it gives it more.......cliche to it. great job

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