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Destiny
Destiny

by cici01420 in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 28, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
A Star and an Owl - Chap. 1 (Edited)
By Sun, By Moon - Prologue
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 1
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 2
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 3
An Apple and a Graveyard - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 5
Violet - Chap. 1
Violet - Chap. 2
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 6
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 7
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 8
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 10

By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 4
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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:33 pm    Post subject: By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 4 Reply with quote

Chapter Four

Present Time

Though I’d grown up my entire life among the forest, the trees frightened me as I ran. They seemed like cold, distant strangers rather than the friends and allies they had been in the past. They towered above me, judging and watching my panicked flight with detachment. I couldn’t ignore them—they were everywhere, of course—but I pretended that what I sensed was imaginary. Perhaps it was, and I was just being childish in my fear. Or perhaps not.

My four legs pounded against the ground, and the sound of an owl calling reached my pointed ears. Again, I was frightened. Was it following me? Hunting me down like a mouse? Irrational, I whimpered, the bag that Mark had given me clamped between my sharp teeth muffling the sound.

It wasn’t long before I heard howls in the distance. I knew instantly what the cause of them was, and the fur rose on my back.

My escape had finally been noted.

I picked up speed, knowing where to go. But worry gnawed at me. Would I be putting the humans in danger if I went to them? Would Dane be angry? If the Pack did find Dane and the rest of them, they wouldn’t stand a chance. Uncle Richard would gather half the Pack, no doubt, to track me and follow my scent.

But I won’t make it easy for them. I had to go to Dane. I had to warn him. Quickly, my pendant glowing so brightly that it almost hurt my eyes, I began to circle the trees. My path crossed the old one, and I kept at it. Before long, my trail was winding throughout all the trees, confusing and the scent blending together in the air until there was no way to discern my true direction.

Then I ran, each leap covering a huge distance. I tried to make my paws touch the ground as lightly as possible, so I couldn’t be followed. My breathing did not become heavier, like it once had, as I climbed up the mountain. I was used to the climb; I’d made it many times, so often in fact that there was a slight path made from my trips. Rocks skittered down and made slight sounds, and I silently prayed that they wouldn’t be heard.

Once I made it to the top, I glanced back once. The breath did finally catch in my throat, but not for weariness or exertion. I could see shadows down below, winding in and out of the trees just as I had. They were so far away that even my sharp wolf eyes could not discern the shape, but I knew what they were anyway… because of the glowing rocks embedded in their chests. Pendants.

They were coming. And quickly, from what I could see. My trail had confused them; I’d been successful. But Jeff was in the lead—I could see his bright green pendant. He may have helped me escape, but Jeff would never fail on purpose in a hunt. He would find my real trail soon enough. And he would show the others.

I turned around and ran again, pressing my sharp teeth against my bottom lip to keep from making any sounds that I might make in my terror. Jeff would find me. I can’t go to Dane, I realized. But where could I go? I had to keep going. Find the nearest city, and take shelter there—the Pack wouldn’t dare to venture among the humans. I had been the only odd one; I was the only one who’d found the humans fascinating, who hadn’t been able to stay away from them after seeing tem that first time. I couldn’t explain why even to myself. Was it their expressions, free from the wolf that was always behind our kinds’ countenances? Was it their simplicity, or their complication, with their devotion to their families and their ever-changing emotions?

Or maybe it was just Dane I couldn’t stay away from. The rare smile that always made his eyes glow… the way he brushed my hair back from my face… Jeff had touched me, many times in every way, but his fingers had never trailed across my skin with such… such…

Either way, my fascination with the humans had led me to this. Father had been right in only one thing he’d ever told me: Humans were dangerous. But not in the way that he meant, that they had guns and would shoot us if they knew what we were. No. Humans were dangerous because they were so addicting and interesting. Dane’s touch, so unlike Jeff’s and Mark’s, had been so… searching? No, not searching. The right word eluded me as I ran.

But I continued to rack my brain for the right word to describe Dane’s touch. Even when Jeff finally found my path and let out a howl that echoed off of the mountains I did not stray from my focus. It was silly, really, but I couldn’t let myself stop.

Tender? Loving? Exploring…?

I couldn’t stop looking for that word, because it was a distraction. Because it almost made me forget about the trees and the darkness of the night. About Jeff and the Pack behind me.

Because it just made me think of Dane.


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Last edited by KJ on Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 8:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bravo!!! I liked this piece very much and I think that this story is going well. I forgot to look up at the top to see what tense this is in so at first I was confused. Just to clear my memory up again, I'm gonna reread the previous chapters. All in all, great job.
I found one mistake:
Quote:
They seemed like cold, distant strangers rather than the friends and allies they’d been I the past.


Lower case the I and add an 'n'
Keep Writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 10:13 pm    Post subject: ........ Reply with quote

this was an awesome chapter. Even though I didn't read the others, I felt like I knew what was going on. You need to keep writing. AWESOME!! Shocked Laughing Very Happy Smile

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wabi sabi, baby
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, KJ. Yay, more to this story!

Quote:
They seemed like cold, distant strangers rather than the friends and allies they’d been I the past.

I don't know if there's anything actually WRONG with writing "they'd" in this text, except I know I personally don't like seeing these kind of contractions in writing when it's third person. I think you should just put, "they had". Also, underlined is typo.

Quote:
I was the only one who’d found the humans fascinating,

Here, with the contraction, too.

Quote:
I was the only one who’d found the humans fascinating, who hadn’t been able to stay away from them.

Why did she find them interesting? Help us get more into her head by explaining more into this.

Quote:
But I continued to search for it, as Jeff finally found my path and let out a howl that echoed off of the mountains. Because it was a distraction. Because it almost made me forget about the trees and the darkness of the night.
Because it made me think of Wes.

This part is sort of confusing. What exactly is distracting and makes her think of Wes, Jeff's howl? And I don't quite understand why Jeff's howl would make her think of Wes. You need to give this segment a little more detail.

Hooray for this part though! It seemed like this was written better than the other parts. A lot more detail. I like where the story is going - to the humans! I'm curious about the pendants now, realizing you never fully explained them. Exactly how do they work? And where did here people get them? They're important to her and her kind, so it'd be best to shed some light on them.

I hope this helps. Thanks for the reeeaad!

~ Clo

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In the begining there was nothing and it exploded.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here I am, as promised! I knew I'd already ready the first few chapters! But I haven't done four and five, yet.

I was going to say that I haven't got long so I can't to a detailed crit, blah blah blah...but really, I don't need to! This is an excellent piece - good job.

I do have one teensy question: is she wearing the pendant even when she's in wolf form? I was a little confused about the whole pendant thing anyway - is it the source of her werewolf power? If she lost it what would happen? Because if you think about it, a wolf hasn't got much shoulders to speak of, so it'd be difficult to keep something hanging around its neck, especially if it was running. Something to think about.

Sorry, that's all I've got. Good job! *cheesy grin and thumbs up*

Anyway, good job and I'll move on to chapter five as soon as ever I can.

Cheers!
~M-K

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very quickly:

You said that Chapter two and three were glimpses into the past that would explain why Genna was being sentenced to death. But you really just gave us a glimpse into what seemed like the every day life of these human-wolfs. Then with this piece you seem to have shown us in just a few paragraphs what was Genna's downfall. This stranger Wes.

WHy does the pack avoid humans since they are partly human themselves?

ANother thing I caught was that you said humans were insignificant compared to wolves in Chapter 3. Now in this chapter you are saying that they are addicting and fascinating. These contradictions are just a little confusing. Perhaps Genna's opinion of humans has changed over time, and if this is the case make sure you show us that in future chapters.

Good job otherwise, you are such a skilled writer.
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Edited*

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is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, this chapter was teeming with emotion and thoughts. I felt connected to your MC this time. I knew her better than any of the other chapters. Wonderful work, Kels Very Happy

I didn’t notice anything wrong with this chapter either. Everything looked good. And you have my attention with Dane. I want to know more!

I’m sorry this is so short, but that’s about it. I only have praise for this chapter…

So, Keep Writing!

*on to chapter five*

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry I haven't been reviewing your new stuff lately. I wasn't reviewing anything for a while, but I'll be reviewing them now. Very Happy

I liked this chapter, how you've given us a glimpse of the past before going back to the present. I think it keeps the reader grounded in the story and makes them want to keep reading. Very Happy Since you still have to reveal what happened to her, people want to learn about that, but you also remind us of the present and we want to learn about that as well.

Quote:
I could see shadows down below, winding in and out of the trees just as I had.

For some reason, I feel like the underlined part should have some bit of punctuation to keep it separate from the rest of the sentence. Not sure if that's correct, though.

Quote:
pressing my sharp teeth against my bottom lip to keep from making any sounds that I might make in my terror.

This part, I wanted to remind you not to forget about the bag she's carrying. Because, this almost sounds as though she doesn't have it.

Quote:
I was the only one who’d found the humans fascinating, who hadn’t been able to stay away from them after seeing them that first time.

Typo.

Quote:
I couldn’t explain why even to myself.

I think that this part could use some punctuation as well, to give a deeper meaning for her not being able to explain.

Quote:
The rare smile that always made his eyes glow… the way he brushed my hair back from my face…

I'm a bit unsure about the heavy use of ellipses. I think that the second set of ellipses would do better as a single period. A full stop before you head on to talk about Jeff.

Quote:
But not in the way that he meant, that they had guns and would shoot us if they knew what we were.

The comma could be a colon.

And those were all my comments on the chapter, mostly nitpicks. Very Happy I liked this chapter, though, you communicated the tension felt by the characters really well. Also, I like the foreshadowing of her past, how she's thinking about the parts that we haven't learned yet.

Off to review the next chapter!

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