Topic ID: 33635
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In_the_Moonlight
Writer
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 Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject: a rose of love... |
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Rose
From his heart grew a red red rose as deep and passionate as the sea,
but as strong as steel.
He shared it with her, his lover in which the rose grew stronger.
Through the years it wavered but never gave.
When true love burns forever so does the rose.
Eternity runs by and by,
what still lives but the rose that burned so deep with love that a memory now only remains.... |
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Rei
E.A. Extraordinaire
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Please read the rules. You're supposed to post two reviews before posting any of your own work. |
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In_the_Moonlight
Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 54
Reviews: 32
Country: USA/Italy- Who says I have to choose?
551 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: My bad! |
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oops sorry! I tend to forget! Thanx for reminding me...  I'll review my friends work as soon as I come back on, but right now I'm too busy. Thanx again! |
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Shallowdepth
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: |
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| It's every girl's dream isn't it? A deep, unshakable love ^^ this poem made me smile. Very beautiful, and a little sad at the end. I like the ending, though. It was a good way to end it. Even though you don't go into extreme depth with those emotions, love and sadness, it still tugs the different chords of the heart strings even if only a little. Very nice piece. |
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:39 am Post subject: |
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Gack. I didn't really like this poem. But it's okay, don't worry. There are so many new users out there who crank out a poem like this. And I always give them the same review. And everyone else gives them the same review. And two months later they are true geniuses. So here goes.
Cliche. cliche cliche cliche cliche cliche passe.
I don't know how many times I can say this.
I'll go line by line, cliches will be underlined:
a rose of love...
From his heart grew a red red rose as deep and passionate as the sea,
but as strong as steel.
He shared it with her, his lover in which the rose grew stronger.
Through the years it wavered but never gave.
When true love burns forever so does the rose.
Eternity runs by and by,
what still lives but the rose that burned so deep with love that a memory now only remains....
cliche. cliche. cliche.
"a rose of love" gack. Why rose? Why not... sunflower? or magnolia?
"grew a red red rose" and if it just has to be a rose... why not a yellow rose? or a blue one?
"deep and passionate as the sea" nooo! There are other things in life that are deep and passionate. The Grand Canyon...a volcano...
"strong as steel" Why steel? why not asphalt? and at least give us the type of steel. stainless?
"grew stronger" stop with this "grow stronger" theme.
etc. etc. etc.
I hoped I helped you...sorta... by just spitting out your poem. Sorry. I just think this kind of romantic poem is overly done. And it's not even dramatic poetry. It's lyric.
Sorry again.  |
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ta-mara
Junior Writer
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386 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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From his heart grew a red red rose as deep and passionate as the sea,
but as strong as steel.
He shared it with her, his lover in which the rose grew stronger.
Through the years it wavered but never gave.
When true love burns forever so does the rose.
Eternity runs by and by,
what still lives but the rose that burned so deep with love that a memory now only remains....
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[b] This piece is really sweet and in some cases your word choice is magnificent but however, it could also be deemed "too wordy" by some to the point that is difficult for some readers to decipher. I thought the poem was great read out loud but didn't really evoke much emotion into me. Perhaps it's because as others have said, parts of it seemed overused and cliched or I was expecting this. Everyone loves to be surprised with writing and this didn't give much of that shock. There isn't much I can say about this except that I liked it. 8.5/10
P.S. Yes, please observe the rules. you must do 2 reviews before you post your own work. Sorry for any inconvienience
~ tammy |
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In_the_Moonlight
Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 09 Jul 2008
Posts: 54
Reviews: 32
Country: USA/Italy- Who says I have to choose?
551 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 10:08 pm Post subject: ........ |
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| Thanx for all the comments. I realize it isn't the best, but I love it. This is the original version. I've edited it a few times and fixed some parts that sounded cliche to me. Like i said: this is the original version. unedited. |
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What about now....?
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jules4848
Writer
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Country: A Medival Times Scot-Irish
1248 Points
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| Posted: Fri Aug 29, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
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hey hez i decided an go critique all your stuff since you seemed to do that for mine,
anyway you cant be so attentive about posting stuff, post your story or at least let someone else read it for once...
moving on'
this poem is totally you and if you had used it in class this year mrs specht would have totally ripped it to pieces like she always does.
like the idea
it actually reminds me of beauty and the beast
pm me when u post something new |
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