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To Drown
To Drown

by BumbleBear in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 27, 2008
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:32 pm    Post subject: A Whisper in the Wind (1 of 4) Reply with quote

All right, I couldn't resist posting this. I got the idea a few nights ago and I just HAD to write it down. But for some reason...I'm struggling with it. I think it's because it is a short story piece ((there will be four parts total)) The idea came from the song: "Thunder" by: Boys like Girls. All the bold parts are lyrics from the song so it is based off of that.

But yeah, I'm not sure if this is worthy to be continued so let me know if I should or not...

Happy Reading! Very Happy

**Edited of August 7, 2008**

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

PART ONE

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer…

Sunlight trickled down through the maze of clouds, showering us in a buttery haze. The air was heavy with humidity, giving the illusion that I could reach out and take a handful of it, creating crowns of perspiration on all of our foreheads. My lips pressed against the icy glass of lemonade, and I took a sip, relishing the feel of the cold liquid as it slithered down my throat. Replacing the glass on the wood planks of the back porch, I eyed the football game conspiring before me. Most of the players ranged in size of two-feet to a mere five. However, there was one that stood out from the rest—the six-foot-one quarterback.

I smiled when my eyes were drawn to him like a piece of iron to a magnet. His hair was the shade of a mocha expresso and glinted in the yellow light, his long bangs swept back from his face so he could better see. His glasses flashed as he threw the ball to his seven-year-old cousin, Mark, who caught it midair before tumbling to the ground. Soon after, cousin after cousin hog-piled on top of poor Mark. I heard that familiar laugh, throaty and deep, that made my stomach start to free fall. I peeked over and saw the quarterback, hands on his hips, watching the kids with merriment shinning in his dark chocolate-colored eyes. I couldn’t help but notice his taunt muscles along his chest and stomach, his only piece of clothing being a pair of jean shorts that did him justice, fitting to his form after many years of use.

“Okay, that’s enough!” a woman’s voice scolded from behind me. I turned to see the mother of the household, a lady nearing forty-seven with her wispy blonde hair pulled into a low pony. She spotted me, and her kind aged face split into a pleasant smile. It was refreshing and I felt my mood heighten slightly. “Hey, Valerie. You hungry?”

“No, but thank you, Mrs. Benson,” I replied, smiling sweetly back. I couldn’t help but admire the woman before me. She was so small, so petite, but the presence she held, the atmosphere she created every time she stepped into the room…it was simply unreal. And I felt connected to her like no other adult, even my own foster parents.

“All right, hon. Hey, boys! Time to eat!” At these words, the younger ones stampeded up the steps and into the house. I quickly snatched up my lemonade before it was smashed and moved myself out of the target zone, laughing softly at the scene.

“Hey, Valerie.” I turned around to see a younger girl, around my own age, descend onto the porch. She was of average height with pin-straight hair reaching towards her waist and the same dark chocolate eyes as the quarterback. Her name was Melinda Benson, the quarterback’s twin sister and she was one of my best friends. “How are you holding up?”

“Pretty good.” My eyes landed on the quarterback again. “Enjoying the view.”

The girl wrinkled her nose in disgust. “You know, he is my dweeby brother, right?”

“I know,” I sighed, sitting once again on the steps. I saw the boy making his way over to us, and Melinda found this a good time to make her exit. “Well, I better go.” With a wink shot in my direction, she disappeared back into the house. I eased my back into the steps, taking another sip of my lemonade. “Looking good,” I called out when he was near. His lips parted in a wide smile, snatching his shirt from a low-hanging branch, and throwing it over his head before collapsing beside me. “Thirsty?”

“Yes.” He nodded, snagging the glass from me and taking a big gulp of the lemony drink. “Mmm, mom sure does make the best lemonade.” I bobbed my head up and down in agreement as he set the glass between us.

I peered shyly over at him before speaking. “Adam, I just wanted to thank you for inviting me over here. It means a lot.”

“Of course,” Adam grinned, taking my hand in his own. “I couldn’t resist showing you off.”

“Your family is so…real, you know?” I continued, gazing off into the distance. I felt a lump rise in my throat and turned away in embarrassment. I never cried, especially in front of people, and here I was, acting like a blubbering baby. I hoped he wouldn’t notice but I should have known that I could never hide anything from him. Adam was too attentive for his own good and noticed immediately that something was amiss. “Val? What’s wrong?” he questioned with that compassionate tone that seemed to create even more tears.

“It’s just…” I swallowed hard, squeezing my eyes shut to prevent the flow of salt water. “I never had barbecues and family get-togethers and stuff like that. So, being here…being with you…” I paused, looking him right in the eye, sinking into the depths of the chocolate-y recesses.

“Oh, Val.” He cupped my face with his hands. “I knew this was big for you, considering your own family situation.” I nodded, biting on my lip before I started to cry. “But I wanted to share this with you. I wanted you to meet my family. Meet everyone!” I hiccuped through a smile, and he chuckled softly. “Oh, Val,” he said again before pressing his lips softly to mine, sending pulses of feeling through my entire body. Adam had a way of being tender, and yet, when we pulled back, I was heaving for air, draining me of everything I had. He ran his thumbs under my eyes, tracing ever feature with his eyes. “Better?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Good. Now let’s go eat.” Taking my hand, he led me inside his home.

But before we reached the door, we heard voices shout out our names from outside the fence. We both turned in unison and spotted two blonde heads peek out behind the gate. They both waved, and Adam waved back. I felt my body stiffen as he ran back down the porch steps to open the door.

The girls were Carly Parker, and Natalie Smith. They were my friends as well but as I saw their eyes linger on Adam’s frame, his fitting shorts, his sweat-streaked skin, a bubbling emotion rose in my throat, cutting off my breathing for only a moment. I recognized that look. I had seen it many times before. And I saw the same one in Adam’s eyes. At first, I thought I mistook it but there it was, the same admiring gaze, as his eyes flowed over each girls’ slender figure.

With my hands shaking, I skipped over to join them, latching onto Adam’s arm for dear life while greeting the girls with a false smile that I hoped they couldn’t detect. Adam’s admiring eyes turned to me and they glowed even more. And when he turned back to the girls, the look was gone and I could continue to breathe.

I don’t wanna ever love another…

The coruscating stars winked at us from the heavens, creating all a manner of designs like the Little Dipper and what looked like a bunny rabbit. It was like an artist’s masterpiece spread across an endless canvass for everyone to see. The air had cooled considerably since that afternoon, and the breeze was a cooling breath of fresh air. Looking at the house, I saw all the windows were black. The family had all gone home and Adam’s parent’s had gone out for dinner, leaving us behind.

Lying back down on the hammock, Adam enveloped me into an embrace and we swayed back in forth in the light breeze. My chin was resting on his chest, my hand lying directly over his heart, filling my palm with each steady beat it made. His breathing was slow and easy, and I sometimes mistook it as sleeping. But every time I glanced up at him, his eyes were open and he was watching me intensely. This thought sent my heart pounding, but in a good way. I felt safe, secure, and I let my eyes slip closed as the breeze rocked us, lulling us into a sense of slumber. One of his hands traveled up to my hair and softly played with the strands. “Valerie?” His voice tumbled from his mouth and into the open air, startling me awake.

“Hmm?” I mumbled, unable to do more than that as the fatigue was slowly consuming me.

“You know I love you, right?” I heard the slight waver in his voice, and my eyes fluttered open. The first thought that flowed through my mind was Honey, I love you with all my heart! Don’t every doubt that! I suddenly had fears of his doubt, of my doubt. Why was he suddenly like this? I went back to this afternoon, that moment with the girls, with that same look that he used on all the girls at school. Melinda had warned me. She had said that even if he was her brother, he was still a player. But I ignored her, and now here we were, and I had won.

I had to remember his past, the distant girlfriends who had all left him hanging. He wasn’t a player like Melinda said, just misunderstood. He had always been self-conscious, always needing reassurances, and I was more than willing to give it to him.

“Of course.” I moved so I could look him in the eye. “And you know that I love you, right?”

“Yes.” He smiled and kissed me. But this time was different. His lips were possessive, molding to my shape. His being, of him kissing me, drowned out all other thoughts of his sudden wariness about our love. All I knew was him, all I felt was him.

My world was him.

When his lips left mine, we were both breathing heavily. He then pressed his lips against my forehead, a gesture that made any girl melt, which I did. I caved against him, curling up into the same position as before.

And that’s how I fell asleep.

In Adam’s arms.


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Last edited by ashleylee on Thu Aug 07, 2008 7:34 pm; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it.

I don't see anything wrong with it, but it still bothers you, ask a Mod to look over it to for you.

I like the emotion in the story, though i would like to learn more about Valerie's family situation.

keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Night Mistress:

Thanks! Very Happy

Yeah, like I know where I want to go with this story, but it is SO hard to protray it onto paper, you know??

Well, hopefully, the more I work on it, the easier it will come to me...

Thanks again!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So, I was browsing through the forums and saw that this had no critiques. Someone did beat me to it, but I'll still give you mine. XD>

Nit-Picks

Quote:
The air was heavy with humidity, giving you the illusion that you could reach out and take a handful of it, creating crowns of perspiration on all of our foreheads.

Since you don't use 'you' again, take it out and reword this.

Quote:
I hiccupedhiccupped

Firefox likes the first, Word likes the second. Go figure. (Then again, Firefox doesn't even like its own name.)

Quote:
I sometimes mistake mistook it as he was sleeping.


Overall Comments

PSHH. No matter how much she loves him, it's hard to sleep standing up. And in the middle of the day? In front of his whole family?

And who was the other girl? His sister?

My main problem was that this was just too perfect. Sure, you can keep it this way if you want – it's just a fluffy little thing. But, as someone (I can never remember who! Gah) said, "Even Prince Charming sometimes spits when he speaks."

And:

Quote:
I don't see anything wrong with it, but it still bothers you, ask a Mod to look over it to for you.

You can, but not all of them like that? So use 'Will Review For Food.' Also, I think maybe she meant Instructors (people in purple, like me!)'

PM me for anything! And sorry 'bout the short critique, but the piece was short, so. XD>

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JFW1415:

I knew someone was going to say that eventually, about the "too perfect" thing. I hate making my stories like that but they seem to end up that way anyway...so frustrating...

But thank you for reviewing Very Happy I will include more information about the people in it and all the good stuff.

And I'll go do that right now...Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Ash.

I guess I don't really know what to think. (But I DO know where you got your inspiration, tee-hee. In the car that day, going to see the movie, right? But I don't think I want to read the rest of this, because I remember that day I said that I thought the song was about someone dying. Is Adam going to die? DUH.)

As beginnings go, personally I think you've had better. Maybe I'm in a weird mood, bu I got kind of... distracted. It didn't keep me focused, I mean. But I guess I shouldn't be talking, since I've written a thousand pieces that I've deemed crappy, and yours is pretty good.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I didn't find anything wrong, by the way... but I admit, I did... skim. Sad. Sorry.

Love ya, KJ

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ:

It's okay...I don't know...I just am really disappointed with myself at this point. I thought I had a really good idea and it just keeps coming out crappy! I have done seriously like three rewrites of three totally different scenes and I felt this one was the best...but I guess not...

Yes, I did get the idea from the car...and yes you are right in your assumption about Adam. Thanks for ruining it for everyone, Kels! lol JK but yeah, I don't know. I might just scrap this and leave it at one piece.

But yeah, thanks for reading it at least Wink

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ash-

Don't be disappointed with yourself Sad

You'll get that perfect beginning. Remember me telling you that I had about SIX differnt beginnings for As Black as Raven? Yeah, and it took me forever to find the one I have now.

You're a good writer. Don't give up.

KJ

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ashleylee wrote:
It's okay...I don't know...I just am really disappointed with myself at this point. I thought I had a really good idea and it just keeps coming out crappy! I have done seriously like three rewrites of three totally different scenes and I felt this one was the best...but I guess not...

PFFT. Make the boy butt-ugly and the girl get rejected by him and the sister be a b*tch and the mother burn the cookies and the cousins bleed and get stitches.

Oh, and kill off a bunch of them.

~JFW1415

(In other words? FLAWS, m'dear. Flaws.)

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ:

Thanks, kels, that brightens my mood! Wink I just get so frustrated when things come easier at some points and then harder at others...you know??

I posted the second part by the way, if you want to check it out...

Well, thanks for all the help!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

JFW1415:

I know, but it's hard to create flaws when I'm trying to do it in only one part. I do have flaws for him in the second part.

If you read it, you'll see what I mean. But you don't have to, of course. Wink

But anyway, thanks for the advise!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, thunder is a great song. I like Hero Heroine better...

Anywho, lets talk about your story.
Well I don't know about your other comments calling it 'too perfect'. In my experience, this is how young love always seems at the beginning. The phrase 'seeing the world through rose-coloured lenses' comes to mind. And it's early days. I seems to recall you writing this was part one of four, so I'm sure you have time to smash and shatter those lenses Twisted Evil

The hammock part suits the song. I had it playing in the back of my mind when I read it Smile

Well, off to read part 2!

~Hailey~ xoxo

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

deavarna_satina :

I agree, Thunder is a great song! I love Boys like Girls! Very Happy

And yes, that lens pretty much gets crushed into a million pieces. Just you wait and see!

Well, thanks for reading!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 4:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello ashleylee,

Well I must say that this story is indeed beyond beautiful that I'm not even going to waste my time typing about how I love your characters and how the lyrics to Thunder fit this story to a T. Okay maybe I will spend a little time talking about how this made me smile.
First off:

Quote:
The coruscating stars winked at us from the heavens, creating all a manner of designs. It was like an artist’s masterpiece spread across an endless canvass for everyone to see. The air had cooled considerably since that afternoon, the breeze a cooling breathe of fresh air.


These are my favorite lines and its mainly because you made a house of all things into a palace which is lovely. Very Happy

The way you start off, describing Adam must come naturally to you because you write about him as if he sitting right beside you. Amazing!!

I am all about emotions and you displayed them perfectly and it almost was like I was watching a beautiful romantic movie about two lovers...wait I have to read on because I can feel something bad is gonna happen.
Well anyways,
Great Job and Keep Writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel of Death:

You are too sweet! Very Happy That reivew was so nice! Thanks a bunch.

I'm glad you enjoyed this so much.

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