Topic ID: 33617
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BATCHICK785
Junior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 3
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: A hopeless suker |
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I roam the shadows of this forsaken and unsympathetic town as there people walk the streets unaware of my races presence among there modern community. These humans , with there veins throbbing and there minds full of distracting and useless thoughts, increase my lust for there blood. Yet as a brilliant hunter I strike when my victim are most vulnerable and can not contact others to garnish assistance. So as I hide in the shadows and were light is faded out by darkness I wait in silence till the sun set to provide the other faces of the earth. With light from the moon creeps into my territory giving me the opportunity to claim a life to expand mine comes to play. So now as the sun sets onto the horizon and the bright hues of the day fade into comforting darkness I awake from my restless slumber in search of a sucker to fall for my ploy.
[quote] do you think this is good ehough for a chapter or not detailed enough because i honestly think it needs more detaile but this is a sample of wat i write not the whole thing |
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out of all the colors u have shined these shurly aren't the best (colors by crossfade) |
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Writing for love is a pas
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Wowo. It's really good so far, but really short. You have one run-on sentances too. I agree, it needs more detail. Maybe this should be a proluge? |
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BATCHICK785
Junior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 21 Jul 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 3
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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I will say this one more time. It is supposed to be small because it’s a sample. I need to know what sounds good. I will make it longer when I have enough points, well not that but not yet. > 
Mod edit: Please do not use all-caps. |
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out of all the colors u have shined these shurly aren't the best (colors by crossfade) |
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Fye
Senior Writer
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Joined: 27 Sep 2007
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Country: Malaysia
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Batchick. Just a note for you, it's best to keep the ratios of your reviews to your work 2:1, okay? Also, please don't use caps. It's fine enough to use proper writing; this is, after all, a writing site.
Anyway, I liked your short passage here. The word choice was very nice. There are a few mistakes, though. Watch out for the words "there" that are supposed to be "their". I suggest you check for spelling mistakes and typos before posting, because you did quite a number. I'd like to see this elaborated into a story, but as it is now there's not much I can say. Work on this! I have a feeling it has potential.
Fye |
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Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Batchick! Had to edit your post up there -- all-caps are painful and yelling at your critics is not okay. 
As I'm sure you've heard a million times before, the rule on YWS is that you must do a minimum of 2 critiques for every 1 piece of work you post. Keep in mind that critiques will only count if they are 250+ characters long (about 40-50 words) and any gibberish reviews will be caught and dealt with appropriately by the moderating staff.
And I know that you just posted this as a sample; however, it's never a good idea to post such short blurbs. It doesn't give readers a good enough idea of your story to give you some really helpful advice. If this story has chapters, it's a good idea to post the chapter, unless it's ridiculously long in which case, chop it up into bite-sized pieces. But single paragraphs don't work too well. Pick up a book, read one paragraph, and try to get an idea of who the characters are and what the story is from it. Doesn't work to well, does it?
Just for future reference. ^^
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| I roam the shadows of this forsaken and unsympathetic town as there people walk the streets unaware of my races presence among there modern community. |
"And unsympathetic" is unnecessary right at this moment -- it doesn't tell us anything. "Forsaken" works, producing a nice mental image, but "unsympathetic" kills it. Also, it should be "the people," not "there people." Put a comma after streets, and kill "my races." Just say "my." Also, if you put "them" instead of "there modern community," this sentence will feel less clunky.
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| These humans , with there veins |
Nickel grammar lesson:
There -- indicates location. "The ball is over there."
Their -- indicates possession. "These humans, with their veins."
They're -- short for they are. "They're taking the ball to the park."
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| throbbing and there minds full of distracting and useless thoughts, increase my lust for there blood. |
Are their thoughts really relevant? I'd recommend getting rid of that whole clause, because it just detracts from your story.
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| Yet as a brilliant hunter I strike when my victim are most vulnerable and can not contact others to garnish assistance. |
If someone walked up to you and said "I'm a brilliant hunter," wouldn't you write them off as egotistical and narcissistic? I would. Don't tell us that your character is a brilliant hunter -- show us, maybe through a battle scene or something. Demonstrate their skill, don't just tell me they have it. Hopping right into a feeding would actually be a better hook than you have here.
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| So as I hide in the shadows and were light is faded out by darkness I wait in silence till the sun set to provide the other faces of the earth. |
Another nickel grammar lesson:
Were -- State of being verb. "Were you at the mall today?"
Where -- indicates location. "where light is faded out," which brings me to my next point.
"Light is faded out by darkness?" Ew. Poor word choice and passive voice. Try something more along the lines of "So I hide in the shadows where darkness swallows all light, waiting in silence for sunset." The bit at the end about providing for other faces of the earth -- that was hard to understand and you'd be better off without it.
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| With light from the moon creeps into my territory giving me the opportunity to claim a life to expand mine comes to play. |
Okay, stop trying to say so much in single sentences. Right now, you're trying to drag your reader into the story, really catch their attention, and too much detail will drive them off. Something simpler, along the lines of "The moonlight creeps into my territorty, and I smile, ready to hunt for my next meal." That's less clunky and keeps your reader's attention. Of course, these are just suggestions.
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| So now as the sun sets onto the horizon and the bright hues of the day fade into comforting darkness I awake from my restless slumber in search of a sucker to fall for my ploy. |
Again, way too long and clunky. You've already established that the sun is setting -- you can get rid of "So now ... into comforting darkness." You can also get rid of "restless," and the word "sucker" doesn't click with the tone so far -- it's too low-level. You've got a dark, eloquent tone going on, and then you throw in this slang word. Replace it with "victim" or something that sounds less like an annoyed teenager.
Hope I helped some! 
-Saint Razorblade
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unsterblichkeit36
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: |
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well u spelled their wrong
or at least u got it confused
you put
there
and its supposed to be their
im big on things like that
i actually hate it so much |
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