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By the Sea
By the Sea

by Gahks in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on July 26, 2008
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Stairway to heaven.

|Prologue - Chapter One(just added)| Stairway To heaven Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:14 pm    Post subject: |Prologue - Chapter One(just added)| Stairway To heaven Reply with quote

~ the following actions taken by the main character or any other character should NOT be re-enacted or re-written, this novel has already been written and has a copyright, any failure to follow this rule will put the user in an extreme consequence, following up with a court date, but im sure none of you will do that, right? Wink

|_| Prologue… |_|

The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it would. The Scapegoat’s head sat right in the center on top of the colossal metallic doors, but they connected to make a giant gate.. My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy, and it was amazing that feeling still occurred to me in such a horrid place. I wasn't a bit scared by the illusion in front of me, even if one could call it an illusion . Flames stood in two curved pedestals stood on the left and right of the gate. On the actual gate stood three sixes, all arranged in a pattern going in a circle. In the background you could hear the screams, but they failed to taunt me. My heart continued to stay at a constant beat, my conscious told me I was going to be alright. It seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, I wanted to think of a way to leave. But sadly my thoughts became interrupted by a blazing wind with much heat built into it, you could tell it was hotter on the inside. At the very second I began to feel the heat, the doors slammed open, crushing the pedestals behind them, making an explosion. My red eyes scanned the area, not much was to be seen, hell didn’t look that odd.

It was just like earth, only the distinctive color was orange, maybe red. You could see dead trees, houses with burns and holes in them. People walked around, they looked very dark, their eyes had turned red, probably because of hatred. They had no pigment in their skin, just completely black. A hooded figure began to approach me, from out of nowhere. His pupils are white, but the rest is black, odd. My basic instinct allowed me to check what I actually had on, to see if I had a weapon to protect myself with. The normal black leather jacket, no shirt underneath, and it was unbuttoned showing my chest fully. A tattoo ran from my neck and to all over my back and chest, it’s a white dragon, though I can’t remember where I got it from. My hair is short, black, a navy seal cut. Two black spikes lay in my nose in the middle, one spike facing the right, and the other the left. A black hoop earring in my left ear, but no other piercing other than that. My eyes are red, giving me the complete look of a cold killer.

“Ah….they call you Lucien, I have been waiting for you….,” said the hooded man, he had made his way to the front of me. His voice sounded as if he had been smoking for a while. I could not tell whether he was smiling or not, but judging from his reaction to me, I assume that he is. I gave him no response to his remark, it didn’t please me nonetheless. I could feel the weight of the pump action shotgun on my back, the strap is right across my chest, and I am seconds away from blasting the hell out of this guy.

“Who the hell are you….,” I responded, glaring into his eyes, though it seemed that both of us had strange eyes. “I am the gate keeper….you’re expected to go before the master of the underworld, if you wish to live that is…,” he said with a snarl. I am completely confused by this point, aren’t I already dead? My fists were clenched now, I had no idea who this guy thought he was, he sure wasn’t going to be the one to take me down. The hooded figure began to mumble something else, but my anger overtook me, my left hand swiftly sunk into the shadow in his hood. All I could feel was a rocky substance, perhaps bones, and knowing my surroundings, I’m pretty sure it was a bone that I was hitting, his skull. His hood swiftly fell off, and he could no longer get up, but I wasn’t going to stand around and let this guy talk shit to me.

My shotgun was already pumped, all I had to do was pull the trigger. My right hand reached to my back, and my trigger finger stuck in the loop of the gun, switching it to the front of me now. The shot was probably heard everywhere, although I was not sure on how big this place actually was. I kept my gun cocked, letting anyone know…I wasn’t here to sit and burn like they were, my time here was going to be spent fighting for my freedom in this damned place, even if I deserved being here, I am no one’s bitch. The scene was set, I had made it past the gates and let my pores begin to scream, I hope everyone knew what I was there for, because they’d better be. Without further a due, you may call me Skip, and this is the beginning of a mental journal, i'll keep in touch.

Mod edit: rated PG-13 for language.

~Recap : We find Lucien (aka Skip) leaving a dead body from the gates of hell, apparently he wasn’t going to leave with this man without a fair fight, so he finds himself in a predicament, he must find a way to survive, and maybe a way out, but how? And btw, some of you were confused about past/present tense. I am writing in present tense.

|Chapter One| confrontation.

The repetitive sound of rocks scuffing under my boots is giving me a calm feeling, from the horrid screams, and smells, of what sounded like humans. My left hand stayed on the pump of my shotgun, and my trigger finger was ready to flinch. I could not help but hate the thought of me being here another hour, but it seems I have to deal with it. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep forever, I’ve been working my entire life. I can remember my entire life just like yesterday. My mother died in child birth, and as I grew older, I became cold. At the start of age fourteen I began my killing streak, I killed for money but the money had never satisfied me. Sure, it kept me fed and clothed, but it never really did anything for me but provide more ammunition for my self hatred, and of course, my shotgun. My sole purpose to living was and still is, a true ending, to my self-righteous hatred, but I’ve yet to have an ending.

My eyes continued to shift all over the place. The buildings that made me feel so small, looked so empty, so we have something in common. Searing heat seemed to just pour all over my body like molten lava, I don’t think I can take this much longer without dying of complete starvation, or boredom.

“Fuck!!!,” I yelled, my voice soaring over everything else. My rage was beginning to grow, everything was beginning to aggravate me, even the sound of my own thoughts.

“There’s one, get him!” someone yelled, I wasn’t in the mood to kill anyone, so I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear a thing. “Hey you, with the shotgun, fucking stop!” a woman roared, her voice was as proud as lion, but I can tell, she is as weak as a cub. I swiftly turned around, purposely kicking up some dust as I made a 180 degree turn. The wind that had been pushing heat upon me was now throwing the dust into the eyes of the woman who had been yelling for me. There were two others although, a man, and another woman, all carrying weapons, but not as powerful as mine. The man gave off a pitiful look, as if he were already dying. He looked rather dehydrated. The way he held the 44 magnum was poorly, and he looked like a novice gunner. The woman I kicked dust onto held a pistol, yet it wasn’t pointed at me, it stayed at her left waist, with her trigger finger not ready, she was also a novice.

A smile crept on my rugged looking face, but shifting my eyes to the other female in the almost naked gear gave me an astonished look. She had booty shorts on, they’re leather. Her leather boots reach up to her knee caps and cover them, still leather. The only thing she had on her chest was a woolen cloth, that covered her breasts and only about an inch more, it’s very provocative. Her short golden hair was enough to get my attention, it’s even gleaming in such a dark place? Intriguing. Her eyes are the same as mine, red, and lethal. The other female had black hair, blue eyes, but was fully cloaked, not at all eye catching, but that was probably her goal, she did not want to attract much attention possibly. The other male is too fragile and bony to even call himself human. He gives off the look of a zombie, and his skin pigment is going black.

My instincts prevailed my wanted first reaction though. Within the inside of the right side of my leather jacket, my left hand reached. My right finger stayed on the trigger as my thumb leveled out the gun. A grenade is pulled out and immediately unclipped. I hold down the gauge so it doesn’t go off anytime soon, I’m not trying to draw attention after all, or am I?

“Pft….he won’t do it, I can tell he’s a pussy just by the look of him…,” murmured the blonde haired woman. It’s hard to tell if she is playing or being for real, but taking chances was something I did not do. With a swift jerk of my shoulder, the grenade shifted from my hands to the atmosphere above the three standing before me, I won’t think twice about killing them if they shoot.

“Shit!” screamed the hooded woman, she ducked for cover. The zombie looking man could not even defend himself, he is too weak. The woman in leather rolled into a crevice between two buildings, and by the sound of her next movement, she is completely ready to gun fight. I smiled and did the same thing, we are on opposite ends now, the fight shall begin.

^^ chapter one just added.



Last edited by Bishop on Tue Jul 29, 2008 6:39 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I took some notes while I read this, it still has a couple of crinkles but it's a great improvement from the last.

Try: "A tattoo ran down my neck and all over my back and chest. A white dragon, I don't remember where I got it from."

Quote:
Two black spikes lay in my nose in the middle, one spike facing the right, and the other the left.

Piercing, right?
Try: Two black spikes jut from my nose in the middle, facing left and right, pointing away from each other.

Quote:
A black hoop earring in my left ear, but no other piercing other than that. My eyes are red, giving me the complete look of a cold killer.

First: "There is" a black hoop earing.
Why: This is a sentence, not a list.
Second. "Giving me the look of a cold killer."
Why: 'Complete' is just unnecessary.

Quote:
“Ah….they call you Lucien, I have been waiting for you….,”

I think it would sound better if he said: "Ah, you are the one they call Lucien. I have been waiting for you..."

Quote:
I assume that he is

I assumed that he was (Past tense!)

Quote:
I gave him no response to his remark

Try: "I gave no response to his remark"
I hope you can understand why, it's difficult to explain.

Quote:
I could feel the weight of the pump action shotgun on my back, the strap is right across my chest, and I am seconds away from blasting the hell out of this guy.

Change it to paste tense again. Is=Was, Am=Was

Quote:
I responded, glaring into his eyes, though it seemed that both of us had strange eyes.


What do their different eyes mean that contradicts his glaring. If it's nothing, lose the 'though'
Try: "I responded, glaring into his eyes, it seemed that both of us had strange eyes. "

Quote:
I am completely confused by this point, aren’t I already dead?

Past tense!

Quote:
I kept my gun cocked, letting anyone know…I wasn’t here to sit and burn like they were, my time here was going to be spent fighting for my freedom in this damned place, even if I deserved being here, I am no one’s bitch.

Comma, comma, comma, comma! Split this up into a few (Not run-on) sentences please.

Quote:
Without further a due, I am Skip, and this is my Journal, I’ll keep in touch.

Put this in a different paragraph, since it's from a different narrative. (He is speaking directly to the reader, rather than telling a story.)
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 2:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I prefer this version to the original. The only problems I have is the title "Stairway to Heaven" seems overdone, and I wasn't expecting the narrator to be named Skip. It's a promising and engaging start.

There are a few things I'm confused about-is the narrator called Lucien or Skip? Is the narrator a killer. I thought he might be because it says "my eyes are red, giving me the complete look of a cold killer" (he could be an albino?). I also wondered why and how he died. But I suppose it will all be revealed in due time!

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

bradsk88, its not a past tense writing, its going on RIGHT NOW. You have to understand that, and I haven't been mixing past tense with present tense, I tried not to ftw, which is why it all seems like its going on now.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The gates of hell sure didn't seem as scary as I thought it would [Should be they - having the word "it" there implies that there is only one gate]. The Scapegoat’s head sat right in the center on top of the colossal metallic doors, but they connected to make a giant gate..[Either erase a period or add one more. Also, make more clear what connected to make a giant gate. The way you have it now makes it seem as if the Scapegoat's head is the thing being connected] My eyes dipped a bit, I was drowsy [A semi-colon would work best here. It seems awkward as it is], and it was amazing that feeling still occurred to me [Awkward wording. Instead of "still occured to me", I would use something like "it was amaxing that I could still feel anything in such a horrid place..."] in such a horrid place. I wasn't a bit scared by the illusion in front of me, even if one could call it an illusion . Flames stood in two curved pedestals stood on the left and right of the gate. On the actual gate stood three sixes, all arranged in a pattern going in a circle. In the background you could hear the screams, but they failed to taunt me. My heart continued to stay at a constant beat, my conscious [Again, odd wording] told me I was going to be alright [Should be "all right"]. It seemed now that I was in the worst of situations, I wanted to think of a way to leave. But sadly my thoughts became interrupted by a blazing wind with much heat built into it, you could tell it was hotter on the inside. At the very second I began to feel the heat, the doors slammed open, crushing the pedestals behind them, making an explosion. My red eyes scanned the area, not much was to be seen, hell didn’t look that odd.


Your descriptions are creative, but this needs work. It could be much, much better. As stated above, the style of writing is odd. Now, I realize that this could be the way you meant it to be, and it could be be the way you meant the character to see things, but honestly, it doesn't work for me as a reader. I want to be able to picture things in my head, but I feel as if what I'm reading is slightly jerky, and I was often distracted by the placing of some words or how oddly put others was.


It was just like earth, only the distinctive color was orange, maybe red. You could see dead trees, houses with burns and holes in them [Describe these holes more avidly. Are they jagged? SO dark that the MC felt as if he/she could fall into it and lose himself/herself?]. People walked around, they looked very dark [Again, semi-colon would be better than comma after "People walked around"], their eyes had turned red, probably because of hatred. They had no pigment in their skin, just completely black. A hooded figure began to approach me, from out of nowhere. His pupils are white, but the rest is black, odd. My basic instinct allowed me to check what I actually had on, to see if I had a weapon to protect myself with. The normal black leather jacket, no shirt underneath, and it was unbuttoned showing my chest fully. A tattoo ran from my neck and to all over my back and chest, it’s a white dragon, though I can’t remember where I got it from. My hair is short, black, a navy seal cut. Two black spikes lay in my nose in the middle, one spike facing the right, and the other the left. A black hoop earring in my left ear, but no other piercing other than that. My eyes are red, giving me the complete look of a cold killer.

I've already read the other critiques, and I have to agree with someone else when they said something about your tense. It's odd. I saw that you said it's in present tense - at least I think you did - but it's just too confusing. The way you're writing this doesn't work. If it were me, I would keep the tense simple, past or present, so I could concentrate on the story more. You have a great beginning, you don't NEED to spice it up with some mix of present/past tense thing.

“Ah….they call you Lucien, I have been waiting for you….,” said the hooded man, he had made his way to the front of me [You've been using this odd sentence structure so far throughout the piece. Don't. Example of how this could be better: said the hooded man. He slinked over to stand in front of me and blocked my path. Of course, that's my writing, and you may not like the way I alter this, but as I said, it's how this could be] . His voice sounded as if he had been smoking for a while [Too vague. Make it more impacting, dramatic. Had he been smoking for years? Decades? His whole life?] . I could not tell whether he was smiling or not, but judging from his reaction to me, I assume that he is [Tense is off again]. I gave him no response to his remark, it didn’t please me nonetheless. I could feel the weight of the pump action shotgun on my back, the strap is right across my chest, and I am seconds away from blasting the hell out of this guy.

Work on sentence structure and tense. Two biggies in this piece.

“Who the hell are you….,” I responded, glaring into his eyes [I thought he didn't give him a response?], though it seemed that both of us had strange eyes. “I am the gate keeper….you’re expected to go before the master of the underworld, if you wish to live that is…,” he said with a snarl. I am completely confused by this point, aren’t I already dead? My fists were clenched now, I had no idea who this guy thought he was, he sure wasn’t going to be the one to take me down. The hooded figure began to mumble something else, but my anger overtook me, my left hand swiftly sunk into the shadow in his hood. All I could feel was a rocky substance, perhaps bones, and knowing my surroundings, I’m pretty sure it was a bone that I was hitting, his skull. His hood swiftly fell off, and he could no longer get up, but I wasn’t going to stand around and let this guy talk shit to me.


My shotgun was already pumped, all I had to do was pull the trigger. My right hand reached to my back, and my trigger finger stuck in the loop of the gun, switching it to the front of me now. The shot was probably heard everywhere, although I was not sure on how big this place actually was. I kept my gun cocked, letting anyone know…I wasn’t here to sit and burn like they were, my time here was going to be spent fighting for my freedom in this damned place, even if I deserved being here, I am no one’s bitch. The scene was set, I had made it past the gates and let my pores begin to scream, I hope everyone knew what I was there for, because they’d better be. Without further a due, you may call me Skip, and this is the beginning of a mental journal, i'll keep in touch.

Your punctuation got worse in this last paragraph. So the things that you REALLY need to work on is that odd setencing and tenses. Also, you said this is published, or something of the sort? :/ By what company?

Anyway, good luck with editing.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Basically, you are contradicting the way he thinks, and only an author can do it. I know you want me to fix the grammatical errors but you cannot change the way I word things, he speaks his own way and thats what makes Skip, Skip simply, so I would advise not to try and change everyones character like your proposing above, it would cause confusion in the actions of a role played character. This prologue is fine, simply because of the fact that Skip has a different way in wording things, understanding things, etc, so thats a nono on the change thing, but thankyou very much.

I have written chapter One and about to post it.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bishop wrote:
Basically, you are contradicting the way he thinks, and only an author can do it. I know you want me to fix the grammatical errors but you cannot change the way I word things, he speaks his own way and thats what makes Skip, Skip simply, so I would advise not to try and change everyones character like your proposing above, it would cause confusion in the actions of a role played character. This prologue is fine, simply because of the fact that Skip has a different way in wording things, understanding things, etc, so thats a nono on the change thing, but thankyou very much.

I have written chapter One and about to post it.


Okie Dokie Bishop... no word changes. And I understand why. But you still have some punctuation issues/run-on sentences.

Like Jay said, this version is better than the original. Not only did you slow the pace, but your writing has improved (grammatical and imagery-wise).

Skip... what an interesting name. It's like naming a butterfly Butch (I don't know if that made any sense... Laughing).

Glad you told me about this... this really is an interesting concept.

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Last edited by Livinginfantasy on Sun Jul 27, 2008 10:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In good literature (read: stories people WANT to read) characters don't talk like real people do. They make no grammatical errors and they carry the most carefully worded conversations you can imagine, without getting lost for words or pausing with "uh"s. Some have accents, some have 'quirky' ways of talking and that's fine, but if you write a story that is difficult (annoying) to read for the sake of 'realism', it's a recipe for disaster.

Just being honest.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bishop wrote:
~ the following actions taken by the main character or any other character should NOT be re-enacted or re-written, this novel has already been written and has a copyright, any failure to follow this rule will put the user in an extreme consequence, following up with a court date, but im sure none of you will do that, right?

I'd delete this opener. It sounds like you plagiarized this, and I don't think you did. So... yeah. Just reword it so you don't get yelled at. Wink

Bishop wrote:
Basically, you are contradicting the way he thinks, and only an author can do it. I know you want me to fix the grammatical errors but you cannot change the way I word things, he speaks his own way and thats what makes Skip, Skip simply, so I would advise not to try and change everyones character like your proposing above, it would cause confusion in the actions of a role played character. This prologue is fine, simply because of the fact that Skip has a different way in wording things, understanding things, etc, so thats a nono on the change thing, but thankyou very much.

Then go to a different writer's website. I'm serious - try writing.net or something like that. Those critiques you ignored were great critiques, and that's what we do here. We help you improve. And even if they're not the best, at least consider them. I get at least a few good points out of the worst critiques I'm given.

This is what we do here. If you decide you want out type of critique, PM me and I'll be glad to look at this. Until then, I'm not going to act as your spell checker.

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have considered the critiques, and it simply just comes to this point. I am a different type of writer, a creative writer who allows the role played character, write for himself. It's a mental journal, so critiquing a "mental journal" is the same thing as trying to change the way he speaks and thinks. I'm not saying they aren't good critiques, i'm just saying that i've written the critiques over in word document, and seeing the transition, it doesn't work for Skip because its not something he would do or say, it's first person narrative, HE and I are basically the same, and OUR thinking is basically the story, so you changing the way he is thinking, is changing the way of this story, dramatically. You may say me not taking the critiquing into consideration is a recipe for disaster, but I say that brutally beating down creativity with a more intellectual grammar is a recipe for disaster, because everyone does it. Do you get what i'm saying? I just want to be different from everyone else and this is my way. You all have not seen where this is going, its only the prologue, and some of you are confused why I haven't taken the critiquing into consideration, but trust me, I will change things if I found out I have made a mistake, trust me.

I have made the grammatical errors, so JFW, cry me a river, it may be what you do here, but the rules do not state "You must make the changes given to you by (enter staff name here), or else.."

Your comment about me going to another site? boohoo, don't like the way I write? Oh well, a lot of people do =\, I'm sorry I can't meet your standards the way you want me to. I've even gotten pm's saying that this is a one of a kind, and I plan to keep my readers entertained, and not socially bored.

Mod Edit: No swearing outside literary works.
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 5:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I'm feeling a little hostility here... I don't like the way you're handling things.

And, ummm, Bishop? You've been basically arguing with every single critique you've gotten. That's a big NO here.

You say you're different, and YES, I agree (By the way, that's not a good thing). JFW was just stating her opinion, and you pretty much tore her head off. So either back off a little bit and let people have their say, despite you disagreeing with most of it, or take JFW's advice: Find another site.

You like "mental journals"? Go make a site call mentaljournals.com. Sounds like a good site for a DIFFERENT writer like you.


Quote:
I have made the grammatical errors, so JFW, cry me a river, it may be what you do here, but the rules do not state "You must make the changes given to you by (enter staff name here), or else.."

If you want your piece to be good, those grammatical errors DO matter, Bishop. You're not above the rules of literature. And there are certain rules here that make refer to arguing about the critiques, and treating other writers here that are stating their opinions in courteous ways like, as you put it, "bullshit". Because that's how your're treating JFW.

I won't be one of those people PMing you about what a "one of a kind" piece this is. In order for me to like the piece, I have to like the writer. Of course, I'm probably wasting my typing energy because you probably could care less Smile

KJ

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I care, which is why im responding Smile. ^^ thats no where near hostility, just telling you my opinion also. I am fixing those grammatical errors, so chill with the "your not above literature thing". I am not worried about my popularity here, or my writing popularity, I just....really do have a different way in writing, and its not fair to push people out just because they are different, I know you can think of some past things in history that are the same. All i'm sayin is that i'm not changin the way skip reacts or thinks, and thats not a bad thing to say, and basically, the message i sent out is, "if ya dont like skip, buzz off." its not a rip your head off message, its letting you know that if you don't like something, go away because most likely someone will get angry with what your saying.

I haven't argued with each critique i've gotten, i actually did change them o_0, so what are you talking about? -.-

btw, most people won't like me, because I myself fight for my right to be completely creative, with everything, and people don't like it simply because of it. You may take it as an argument but I sure won't. Thanks for at least glimpsing at it, thats all I really need. keep critiquing, ill take SOME OF THEM into consideration, but not all, because not all are needed, if u get what im saying -.-

Mod edit: No swearing outside of literary works.
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Dreamworx95   View This User's Portfolio
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555 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 5:54 pm    Post subject: Re: |Prologue| Stairway To heaven (Re-done) Reply with quote

Bishop wrote:
But sadly my thoughts became interrupted.


My thoughts WERE interrupted.

Bishop wrote:
My red eyes scanned the area, not much was to be seen, hell didn’t look that odd.


My red eyes scanned the area and not much was to be seen. Hell didn't look that odd.

Bishop wrote:
My eyes are red, giving me the complete look of a cold killer.


How about: My eyes are red, giving me the appearance of a cold blooded killer.

Bishop wrote:
he had made his way to the front of me.


He had made his way in front of me.

You see my point. Lots of errors. You were right, it was a hooker but the sentences are really weird.
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Bishop   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^
thanks, at least someone agrees. Those are the type of critiques I like, plain and simple, not trying to change my characters personality, etc. I'll make the changes.
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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
Live your life while it lasts
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bishop-

You won't be getting any more critiques from me. And "chill", as you would say, with the ridiculous "don't push people out" thing. It's you who's doing the "pushing" by the way you've been acting. You're acting like you're black and I'm prejudiced. Let me set the record straight. I LIKE black people. I DON'T like you.

And don't just assume people aren't going to like you. You just need to act less like a jerk Smile. I don't think people will be angry at what I'M saying, so don't be concerned for me. And if they are, I'll just pull a Bishop and say, "I'm not worried about my popularity".

Oh, and please watch the language. There are some young people on this site who, while having seen and heard probably every word, don't need to see it again.

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I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html

An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert
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