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Merry_Haven
Take a step into eternity
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 Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: Deleted. |
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~I'm deleting this story because I have no wish to continue with it~ |
Last edited by Merry_Haven on Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:33 am; edited 10 times in total |
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alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
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| Nothing seemed to go wrong at that moment. |
You don't need to say that; its a repeat of what you just said.
No comma.
Take out All.
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| It made my skin shiver with delight. Even though I didn't know who he was. |
Combine these two sentences.
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| He then moved outside to the front doors, I followed. |
Try "When he..." instead of "He then..."
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Yet I was all alone.
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Take this out.
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| Noticing I was being kissed by this mysterious stranger. |
Either add more to this sentence or take it out.
I liked it. 
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Merry_Haven
Take a step into eternity
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: |
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alwaysawriter,
Thanks I'll fix it right now.
-Merry
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Night Mistress
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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Defendly got my attention. I thought i would re-pay you by reading your story.
I like the mask part.
*on to read the other parts*
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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Not bad, but it's really choppy, and not long enough to get a real feel for the place your trying to put the reader in. I mean, the problem with short prefaces or prologues is that just as the person reading it is finally going into the story, instead of simply sending their eyes across the computer screen sort of listlessly, it ends.
You need to either lengthen this, or throw it out. It wasn't a bad start, it just won't grab much attention with how choppy and short it is.
Good luck, either way. 
-SELA
P.S. I just wanted to add something, that might help. And example of a show, as opposed to tell.
Your 'telling' sentence:
'He then slowly took his mask off'.
See? It sounds really bland and not at all 'OMIGOSH WHO IS IT GONNA BE?!'
'He pulled away slightly, hands working to slide the mask from a hidden face.'
Or something like that. Notice how you can see it, vivid and exciting, in this second sentence? If you do it more like this, the reader's heart's gonna be going five million beats a minute, the idea of a who it could be bouncing through their brains insanely. And if the whole prologue was written like this? Wow!
See, it's a good idea you have here, you're just still learning to express it. =D
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GryphonFledgling
It's elementary...
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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Ooh, this looks like it could be interesting. Biblical names important much?
This could be longer and more involved. Describe the party and why it is so fun. Give little snapshots of the costumes that are there. What is the MC wearing? What is the man wearing?
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| Let's just say that the “mythical” humans were having all the fun but some weren't. |
This sentence is awkward. I wasn't quite sure what you are trying to say. Is it that those people in "mythical" costume are having fun and the people without costume are not? Or is it that only the humans in "mythical" costume are having fun, but some among their numbers are not? I was confused. Definitely rewrite this somehow to make it clearer what you are saying.
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| he smiled seductively. |
I thought he had a mask on. How can she see his mouth? Or is it a half-mask? See why it can be important to describe things?
Very nice. Good luck with it!
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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Too short for my taste...but I guess that's just me.
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It was the eve of the masquerade party and everything was going according to plan.
I was dancing around with the other people and was having loads of fun. I wasn't ready to leave just yet.
It was a special party for members only. That meant humans weren't allowed. Let's just say that the “mythical” humans were having all the fun but some weren't. |
okay, these three sentences are kind of repetitive, more so the last two. I mean, there is so much detail you could include in these three that would make them stronger. Right now, they are three very weak sentences, but maybe expanding and slipping in some detail would strengthen them.
I must admit that you didn't really have me hooked until she uttered the mysterious kisser's name. (and that was basically the last line of your preface) I mean, it went so fast, I was like "Whoa! Slow down!" But in the wierdest sense, I want to know more. In a really crazy sort of way, you hook your readers with the shortness of this Preface. But it could be all the better if you expanded and added details.
Well, hoped that helped and I am on to read the other parts!
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lucyy
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: Wow! |
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I really enjoyed this & the ending was the best part which really caught my attention!! You have a real knack for drawing in the readers attention, so much so I'm off to read the next installment!!
You'll find enclosed below a document with my alterations, comments & critique on this piece. The only real errors I found were minor grammatical ones & also in some occasions I found your wording hard to understand.
I really hope this helps & I cant wait to read the rest (:
Lucyy xx
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Merry_Haven.doc |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again!
I'll get the individual stuff over first:
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| Masks were either full faced or half and my own mind knowing that the artwork of the masks were absolutely magnificent. |
The part after the "and" is very awkward. Try:...or half and I just knew that the artwork of the masks were absolutely magnificent. or something like that.
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| My own mask was just like all of them combined except with a tad bit of more of crimson jewels. |
Cut out one of the "of"s, like so: ...combined except with a tad bit more of crimson jewels.
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| When I finished drinking the exquisite beverage I thought to myself why I was here? |
Comma after "beverage"
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| Did I come here on my own or was I invited to this private party? I must have been invited because this party was private. It was the written invitation that showed this member only party of the night. |
Okay, here, it seems that she is slightly befuddled, like she's lost or something. I like that you did this but maybe add more of these throughts throughout this piece, like more in teh beginning or something to tie it all together.
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| How strange that he stood out from the ordinary crowd. |
Question mark instead of a period.
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| I quickly glanced away from the man to see the bright colored lights hanging from the tall Christmas tree but when I looked back he was gone. He must have left or went dancing. |
Comma after "tree" and "back.
Also, the last sentence is kind of random. Add more of her thoughts after it. Express her curiosity about this masked man. Expand!
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| When I turned around to find where he was I somehow bumped that same masked man from across the ballroom floor! |
Comma after "was".
Add the word "into" in between "bumped" and "that"
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| “Excuse me?” I said politely. |
Use "asked" instead of "said" here.
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| Suddenly I froze as he grazed me cheek. I should of run but I didn't. |
He grazed her cheek with what?? Explain more here.
Now, besides all that, I must applaud you!!!!! I mean, your description was SO much better, it was MARVELOUS! lol
Everything looked great. You drew me in even more! Good job!
Keep writing and I look forward to your next installments!
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Merry_Haven
Take a step into eternity
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Age: 18
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Reviews: 162
Country: ~Where the home is~
1870 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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ashleylee,
Thanks again for looking at it! I'll try my best at revising it again for the fourth time. Maybe this time it could be better. Well off to writing...
-Merry
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