Topic ID: 33546
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1dering at stars
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 202
Reviews: 101
Country: East of the sun and West of the moon
354 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: You Will Never Know That You Were Dying |
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I could really use some help with this! Do the images work? Does it make sense to anyone but myself? Is the ending strong enough? Please review! Thanks guys!
Every day I look up and you’re crying.
Words are falling,
puzzle pieces,
from your mouth.
Catch them in my hands,
Shove them in my pockets,
I wonder if you know,
That they never fit together.
Tell me why we’ve given up on the sun.
And now it only drips,
like lemonade,
through the cracks.
Fall into my mouth,
seep into my skin,
but you never realize,
if those places shine any brighter.
Close your eyes and listen to the blood drip.
It splatters on your windows every day.
Wipe it off your eyes and from your heart now.
Whisper that those lies can never stay.
If only you knew that you were dying.
That your life had splintered,
china shards,
upon the ground.
Then maybe you could grab them,
fit them back together.
If only you knew,
but you don’t,
and soon you never will. |
_________________
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real? |
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Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:57 pm Post subject: |
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RE:
"I could really use some help with this! Do the images work? Does it make sense to anyone but myself? Is the ending strong enough? Please review! Thanks guys!"
Well the images don't work.
It does not make sense to me. the imagery was FANTASTIC, but the purpose of the poem, I know not. I know you are talking to someone and you are trying to get them to understand and perhaps make 'em not be so depressed? Yeah, you are going to have to put some cool transition lines in there to piece that together.
However, ironically, you have us little puzzle pieces of images and then when we tried to put them together they didn't fit either..so that's kind of neat. You could keep it like that and feign "genius." I'd respect the irony of you doing exactly what someone else in the poem is doing. ha ha, that's actually pretty funny.
The ending is what I understand the most. I like it. It's nice, I like that the structure correlated with the sturdiness of the individual. Like, if you look at the poem, and let's see you tried to stand it up by itself, it would topple over. I like that it ironically correlates to the instability of the persons life. Man, you are either a genius for irony, or I don't know..it's great.
I don't think you got your point across, and I am pretty sure you wanted to get a point across, but personally your ideas are fragmented and they need to be pieced together, unless you are pulling for the irony bit, which I like because it's daring AND it's really an interesting point.
Pushing for the irony bit let me give you some reasons why it's genius (going stanza by stanza):
1.) You are talking in puzzles that don't fit like the person in the first stanza. If I was to analyze this poem, I would assume that in efforts to convey her emotions the author speaks in a means that the general audience can not piece together, in efforts that the person the poem is made for will. So, that's both romantic and very smart.
2.) Then you comment on how the person has given up on the sun, but then you go one to complain about why the person doesn't notice changes in the lemonade (sun) which in itself has incorporated into yourself. This is contradictory, but if you think of it in regards to the first stanza, it makes sense because the person who you are talking to doesn't make any sense. From here, you can think of the sun as the center of the universe, and then you can picture this mystery individual as a worshiper of the sun, which he has given up on, and though the sun is the center of his universe, he doesn't pay attention to it, which is ironic and very contradictory, since that is what he is meant to do as a sun worshiper.
3.) Third stanza speaks to me, of truth in blood or possibly familial commitment. Perhaps the person is in your family and doesn't heed your word, or perhaps it's a general sense of the human kind. That the persons action betray that of man, which it does because that why the poem has been perverted to fit his inhuman language. Then you go on to say the blood splatters on his windows everyday, in which he is constantly reminded of this, yet does not know. Ironic, and very interesting. "Wipe the blood form your eyes and your heart now, whisper those lies can never stay." Now you've contradicted yourself, because I assumed the blood was the truth, are saying it's not. Perhaps it's more like you offer this truth to him or offer another truth. Have you noticed your lines often contradict each other? Again, it's either pure brilliance or just...not.
4.) I already told you why I liked this line, basically because of the structure and the irony of the structure mirroring the last stanza's description.
So...well, now you know. If your poem wasn't meant to be interpreted like that, I would do some editing because it's stanzas are disconnected from one another, unless put into my awesome mind and somehow turned into genius. Ha ha.
Well, best of luck. |
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SweetOctober
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Jul 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
Country: U.S
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 1:38 am Post subject: |
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I think the imagery is great. Though the last part of the poem I didn't like too much. Here's how I interpreted your poem upon reading it.
Here are some of my favorite lines:
| Quote: |
Words are falling,
Puzzle pieces,
From your mouth. |
I interpreted this as you knowing that there is something wrong with this person, but what he or she is
disclosing about their suffering is not sufficient enough for your understanding.
| Quote: |
Catch them in my hands
Shove them in my pockets |
Usually when people are confused, they either ask questions until they obtain the answers, or, as in this case, disreguard them. By putting the person's words in your "pocket", I assumed that you were a little frustrated by the lack of sense the person was making, and shunned their words.
| Quote: |
Tell me why you've given up on the sun |
This is my favorite line in the poem. It basically reads to me, "Why did you give up on your happiness?" I thought it was clever to use the sun symbolically like that.
I didn't quite understand the following lines, and the lines after that;
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And now it only drips;
Like lemonade,
Through the cracks. |
What exactly is dripping through the cracks? Are you referring to the person's happiness, state of
mind, ect. ?
Also, you forgot (or maybe it was intentional or you didn't know) to capitalize each word in a new line of the poem.
Other than that, it was an enjoyable read. Sorry if this didn't help you much. My reviews are not super
fantastic, but that's just how I saw it.
Happy Writing, Bye Bye. |
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I told your boyfriend he was gay and he slapped me with his purse. |
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Writing for love is a pas
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 254
Reviews: 79
Country: none ya (US)
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:54 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. i LOVE LOVE LOVE this! It all works so great together. One line leads to another line , like a , like a , puzzle! (That was my favorite stanza)
No offense to the people above me but, I disagree with them. You shouldn't change anything about this! It's very well written.
Flow: 9/10 I got lost once. *Heheheh*
Imagery:10/10 i could see everything about it without trying too hard! Ya.
Descriptiveness: 10/10 This kinda falls under Imagery, but yeah.
I understood all of it. I probably sound really dorky, but I Loved it! |
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Why have a heart if a heart can be broken. Thats the one thing that can never be bought again. |
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