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The Dark
The Dark

by BigBadBear in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on July 25, 2008
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The Dark Goddess (title pending)

Topic ID: 33533
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Moriah Leila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:43 am    Post subject: The Dark Goddess (title pending) Reply with quote

For any new reviewers is this is the old edition of my story. If you'd like to read a much better version just read The Dark Goddess the new and improved version. Either way critiques are gladly accepted!!!

Bright red, hot, sticky blood covered Josette LaVie’s calloused hands. Her Father’s blood. His eyes were lifeless, the breath gone from his body. Jo looked up at the men standing about her. Some had their eyes lowered, their sorrow evident on their weathered faces. Other’s leered at her daring her to cry. Josette would not cry! She was not some weak-kneed woman that revealed her emotions so openly. But it was hard to hold back the tears stinging her Caribbean blue eyes when she held her Father’s dead body in her arms.

Anthony LaVie, the Captain of the Dark Goddess and one of the fiercest pirates in the whole Caribbean, had fought his final battle that September day. For Jo it was more than just the loss of her Father. Her destiny, no her very life, was hanging in the balance. Would her blood stain the deck of the majestic Dark Goddess before the sun rose the next day? The only reason Josette had traveled the seven seas was because of her Father. He had protected her from his motley crew, killing anyone who dared to defy him.

Whispers surrounded Josette, making her head throb. She knew what they were talking about. Who would be the new Captain? And would this new Captain allow for Jo to stay on board? They were whispering about women being bad luck, that was nothing new, but now they were blaming her Father’s untimely death on her presence. It was almost too much for Jo to handle; she had to keep her composure! These men would jump at any sign of weakness. Josette LaVie was not weak!

“Pegg!” Josette’s voice sounded so feeble as she called for the First Mate with the wooden leg.

He hobbled his way through the crowd. “Aye.”

“My Father’s body, take it into his quarters.” Josette stood up, her billowing white shirt and caramel britches soaked with crimson blood. “Have the men assess the damages on the boat. Change course, we’re headed back to Port Royal.”

Pegg nodded his head in servitude. Josette knew she could count on him. His undying allegiance to her Father was her saving grace.

Suddenly somebody called out, “Who put you in charge?”

There was a hearty round of “Aye!”

“Last time I checked we voted for our new Captain!” It was One-Eyed Freddie who shouted this out.

Josette whirled on the man, poking him hard in the chest. “Last time I checked this was my Father’s ship! Nothing is thicker than blood and I inherit this boat upon his death.” She stood her full five feet nine inches, the wind whipping up her jet-black curls. “I assumed that put me in charge. If you, or anybody has a problem with that you can walk the plank right now.” She glared at Freddie and then made eye contact with every crewmember to make sure they had heard her.

Satisfied she spun on her heel and walked right into her Father’s chambers. Pegg and another sailor had placed his body on the sturdy oak table her Father had done most of his business at. Her stomach was in her throat and her heartbeat thundered in her ears. She had looked strong and intimidating on the outside, but now she realized just how quickly that façade was crumbling. “Leave me,” she ordered sensing Pegg in the shadows.

As soon as the door clicked shut on the Captain’s quarters Jo let the tears flow freely. Her body was racked with sobs and Jo shoved her fist in her mouth to keep from crying out. She had known that one day her Father would die. Life as a pirate was not easy and she had seen many men die from battle wounds to pneumonia. Grief and fear caused Jo to react so unfavorably. Would there be a mutiny before they reached port? How long would Pegg’s loyalty last? And what would Jo do when she did reach Port Royal?

Her whole life had been piracy! Her Mother had given birth to her on the Dark Goddess. When Camille LaVie died her Father didn’t think twice about raising Jo on the open seas. All Jo knew was sailing, treasure hunting, sword fighting, and drinking rum. Would she continue on being a pirate? If she did, who would serve under a female Captain? Jo didn’t even consider working as a crew hand; she was born to lead never to follow. What about her sister?

Genevieve LaVie, two years older than Josette, was raised on the Dark Goddess until she was fourteen. At that time she decided to return to Europe to be raised as a French debutante by their maternal Grandmother. Josette knew that her Father had always funded Genny’s extravagant lifestyle and she had been promised a sizeable dowry when she decided to wed. But with him dead and Josette’s own livelihood uncertain what would happen to Genny? Would she even be able to marry without a dowry?

Josette crossed over to her Father’s body. Pegg had graciously pulled a blanket up over his chest to hide the gaping hole left from the musket. Josette lovingly examined his face admiring his high cheekbones, the aristocratic nose, and strong jaw line accented by his scruffy black facial hair. His lips were pressed together in a painful grimace and rigor mortis caused his empty chocolate brown eyes to stare at the ceiling.

Josette felt exhausted from the strenuous battle. She was stricken by her Father’s sudden death. And the multitude of unanswered questions was simply overwhelming. Forgetting her fear, Josette settled into the red leather chair, her Father’s favorite chair, and laid her head down in her arms. The gentle swaying of the ocean lulled her to sleep.



Last edited by Moriah Leila on Wed Jul 30, 2008 2:41 am; edited 1 time in total
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Rubric   View This User's Portfolio
Considers "Necromance" a verb
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Howdy there, I'm Rubric and I'll be your reviewer today

Quote:
Bright red, hot, sticky blood covered Josette LaVie’s calloused hands. Her Father’s blood.


Even for a first sentence this is a bit of an information dump. I think if you replace her name simply with "her" and introduce the character's name a sentence or two later it might flow better.

Quote:
Other’s leered

There is no possession here, lose the apostrophe.

Quote:
at her daring her to

"at her, daring her to" - the apostrophe puts in a needed pause.

Quote:
Josette would not cry!

There are two ways you could swing this sentence. You could swing it to a first person thought I will not cry! or you can get rid of the exclamation point. The third person exclamation point reads as being a tad overreaching. Having read a little further, a third idea has come to me; that this could be a third person self-reference and that your protagonist could be a sociopath.

Quote:
protected her from his motley crew

No. You cannot have the word "motley crew" in a pirate story; it's cliche and makes babies cry.

Quote:
the damages on the boat

"the damages to the ship" might read better

Quote:
Pegg nodded his head in servitude

"in submission", "submissively"; either has a better ring to it that "in servitude"

Quote:
Father’s

capitalised

Quote:
she had seen many men die from battle wounds to pneumonia

Iunderstand what you're staying but the end of this excerpt could be reworked. There needs to be another clause between "men die from" and "battle wounds to pneumonia". Perhaps "causes such as"?

Quote:
to lead never to follow

"to lead, never to follow"

Quote:
hole left from the musket


probably left "by" the musket, or the musket ball for that matter.



The piece is well written, but there are a few wince-worthy cliched moments. I'm not sure if it's possible to avoid these but to me every time you mention things like "walking the plank" or a group of pirates shouting "aye".... This could easily be my individual reaction to this. If anyone else reviews this can they comment on this aspect?

However I like the strong characterisation of your main character, it bodes well for the future of the piece.

Rubric

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Faithe   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*winces* No walking the plank or choruses of "aye", please? They're both overdone. This will have a much more original feel to it if you just remove those those cliches.

Quote:
Bright red, hot, sticky blood covered Josette LaVie's calloused hands.


Now, I know Rubric already mentioned this one, but I have to add my thoughts. Too many adjectives will confuse a reader and gives the sentence a "stop and go" feeling. You don't need to tell us that the blood is bright red, hot, and sticky. Choose one, maybe but rarely two things to tell us. The obvious ones we know, so sterr away from those most of the time. You can use Josette's name here, but it would also be fine to introduce it later, as Rubric advised.

Quote:
the Captain of the Dark Goddess


The Dark Goddess...eh, it doesn't seem to fit as the name of a pirate ship. Mabye there's a story behind it, some background that will later explain why that's its name? If not, though, I recommend changing it.

Quote:
The only reason Josette had traveled the seven seas was because of her Father.


Scratch "the seven seas" bit. More cliche, in my opinion. Just "the seas" would work fine.

Quote:
"Pegg!" Josette's voice sounded so feeble as she called for the First Mate with the wooden leg.


Lose the "so". It gives the sentence an off feeling, just leave it at "sounded feeble".

Quote:
What about her sister?


I suggest making this a new line instead of tacking it onto the end of the previous paragraph. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the train of thought about what was going to become of her. This is more of a side thought, "Oh no, what about my sister?!" that is a new area that Jo considers.

Quote:
Josette lovingly examined his face admiring his high cheekbones,


Add a comma between "face" and "admiring". It will make the flow smoother.

Overall, well done. Your character has a strong personality and a good sense of self-preservation, from what you've shown us, and although that's good, I think it could easily turn into a weakness, which is an interesting idea. In further pieces, be sure to "show, don't tell" and not list off so much background information right away. Despite that, I enjoyed it, and good luck with the next installment!
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I agree with the others when they say not to use 'walking the plank'. One, because it's a cliche. Two, because it actually never was a pirate punishment. Back when I was looking stuff up for a pirates story I found out from multiple sources that walking the plank was made up by Hollywood. If a pirate wanted to throw someone overboard they'd just throw them overboard. It takes less time.

I didn't find anything else since the others got it all already. But I'll say that it was very good. Good details, good dialogue, etc. Overall I liked it.

Also, I'd change the name of the ship too. Like the others said, it doesn't sound very pirate-like.

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this, although I agree with some other reviewers about the 'aye' and walking the plank clichés. I also thought the exclamation marks sort of spoilt the flow a bit - but that's just my opinion, don't know what anyone else thinks. I liked the first sentence - it drew me in but maybe it would be more effective with less adjectives? Just 'hot, sticky blood' rather than 'bright red, hot, sticky blood' perhaps? But again this is just my opinion. Overall, I really liked this and carry on writing!
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Satisfied she spun on her heel and walked right into her Father’s chambers.

Satisfied, she spun....
Quote:
As soon as the door clicked shut on the Captain’s quarters Jo let the tears flow freely.

As soon as the door clicked shut on the Captain’s quarters, Jo let the tears flow freely.


The writing seems fine so far, minus minor things to make it perfection. I just say the plot is a little eiffie. Like the whole father death thing is a good start but from what I see of the plot so far, it's like I've seen this so far. It could be it's just starting out that way but when you continue this, make sure to keep in mind of trying to come up with something that really distinguish this stories from the rest. but like said, it could just be because this is only the beginning.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ohhhhhhh...i love it, though you could use a ltille more talking. other than that..brilliant!!!!!

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