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Sexy Sadie
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 Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: Chapman Has a Gun |
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Chapman Has a Gun
Chapman has a gun,
tucked safely in his coat.
He hides in the shadows of the Dakota.
Limousine pulls up to the curb,
a man in round glasses steps out,
Yoko poised confidently at his side.
Chapman jumps out of the shadows
his .38 Revolver pointed at the man’s back,
Six shots ring across the square.
Lennon stumbles two steps
before he collapses,
Yoko screams and weeps frantically.
“Do you know what you’ve done?”
the door man shouts,
shaking Chapman by the shoulders.
“I just killed John Lennon,”
he calmly replies,
a wild look in his eyes.
The police come and take Chapman away,
while Lennon is loaded onto a stretcher,
put in the back of an ambulance.
Chapman has a gun,
tucked safely in his coat.
He hides in the shadows of the Dakota. |
Last edited by Sexy Sadie on Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:02 am; edited 2 times in total |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:52 am Post subject: |
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Chapman has a gun,
Tucked safely in his coat. >> It's not a rule, but you don't have to have the first letter of every line uppercase. In fact, this would read smoother if you didn't. I'll bold the letters that don't have to be.
He hides in the shadows of the Dakota.
A limousine pulls up to the curb,
A man in round glasses steps out,
Yoko poised confidently by his side. >> Instead of 'by' how about 'at'?
Chapman jumps out of the shadows
His .38 Revolver pointed at the man’s back,
Six shots ring across the square.
Lennon stumbles two steps, >> You don't need this comma at the end of the phrase here.
Before he collapses,
Yoko screams and weeps frantically.
“Do you know what you’ve done?”
The door man shouts,
Shaking Chapman by the soldiers.
“I just killed John Lennon,”
He calmly replies,
A wild look in his eyes.
The police come and take Chapman away,
While Lennon is loaded onto a stretcher,
And put in the back of an ambulance. >> I don' t like 'and' at the beginning. How about 'He', and then on the line above this one end the phrase with a period?
Chapman has a gun,
Tucked safely in his coat.
He hides in the shadows of the Dakota. |
Haha! I knew that I'd love this. You did a very great job with the poem. It's a very creative way to express your thoughts.
I know that you are a Lennon fan -- So why write a poem about killing him? I just find that a bit strange.
Anyway, the critique!
I feel that this lacks imagery. It's all stated plainly. There's no flowerly descriptions, which is what poetry kind of relies on. I understand that this is your own personal style, and I like it. I'm really terrible at poetry, but good with grammar, so I caught all that stuff up there. Maybe some other YWS poets can help you with the actual meter and beat and stuff? I really have no clue about it.
Great job, though.
-Jared |
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Sexy Sadie
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:05 am Post subject: |
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Thank you Bear,
I wrote this poem about the man who killed John Lennon. It sounded like you thought I was writing it about something that had not yet happened. Just to clear that up.
Also, the reason this does not have a lot of feeling is because it is being watched by a bystander and she is just restating it in her own words.
I went through and changed the things you suggested.
Thanks again, mate!
-Sadie |
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letsPaintTheTown
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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Wow!
This was awesome--I've never thought to write a poem about the death of John Lennon. I did, however, write a feature article about Lennon for my English class. It was based on his death, courtesy of Mark David Chapman (that jerk...).
One thing, though... I thought he only shot him five times, not six. Four in the back and shoulder, one in the aorta, left ventricle of the heart.
Right? Unless he shot once more and missed. I'm not sure about that. I only know of the five shots. I think somewhere in there you should say how Chapman stood at the Dakota, waiting for the police to come. I believe he was reading Catcher in the Rye. Picked it up before the murder at a bookstore somewhere around there. Maybe you could put that in where you talked about the police coming to take him away?
I really loved how you included Chapman's most famous words, "I just shot John Lennon."
You know, when I saw your name and the picture, I knew I'd get along with you well, because of your love and knowledge of Lennon and the Beatles. I didn't know you were as obsessive as I am!
:] |
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Sexy Sadie
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:44 pm Post subject: |
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Chapman shot six times, but only five hit John Lennon, I should have put that in there. And yes, Chapman was reading while the police were coming to get him, I tried to write that in but it was just too hard to put into the poem. I didn't know how to word it. Maybe I'll try that later.
-Sadie  |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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Mmmm.....Alright.
I didn't like it.
I liked the idea, and I liked the fact that as a fan of John Lennon, you were still able to paint Chapman in a way that was a bit..let's see...."humane." You didn't just rant and pant and what-not.
I liked the repetition of the first line, and for some reason, because it was structurally unsound, and I think you can recognize the difference and reason why it is, it made the reader unnerved by it. It was a very nice element in the poem, I think.
Now, I'm not a grammar buff, and I don't really care about grammar in concerns to poetry, but you seem to be a stickler for the rules, but capitalizing the first letter of each line isn't a rule, and I do agree, it reads better without it.
Now, what I didn't like about the poem is that it felt rudimentary compared to your other works. I mean, maybe if someone else wrote it, I could say it rocked, but I honestly think you could do better so....I can't say I support it.
I think it's probably because it felt kind of empty. It felt like me talking about John Lennon getting shot (and I don't care, really.) and you are supposed to be passionate about this topic. I didn't see any passion what so ever. It was like eating plain pita bread. Some people may enjoy it, but it leaves me unsatisfied thirsty for something more.
Try, you know, instead of saying "John Lennon got shot by Chapman" which is bland, be like "The day Chapman stole Lennon's heart" and paint it in this weird unorthodox idea in which stealing someone's heart is ripping out their time in life, etc.
Basically, it could be evolved, I think. It's a nice blueprint for something better that you could write. |
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Hallie!
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| Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:42 am Post subject: |
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Ooo! I really really liked this! The first three lines were amazing! I also liked the part with the doorman and Chapman and how he had a crazy look in his eyes. I think you put John's death in this poem very neatly! I wish you had more poems up because you're really really good!
-Hallie |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:22 am Post subject: |
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I liked the motif of the dakota.
I think personally you could fit something about him reading Catcher in the Rye in the dakota, like have imagery of the book falling on the bottom of the police car.
I didn't like this on the first read, but once I got use to the style and read a second and third time it began to grow on me.
I especially liked the line about the confident Yoko by his side. |
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akatori
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| Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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this was really good. I kind of always wondered what Lennon's death was all about.
"Limousine pulls up to the curb,
a man in round glasses steps out,
Yoko poised confidently at his side."
This part I liked. If you didn't know what the poem was about from the first stanza, most people would automatically assume that it was about Lennon because of how you described him having round glasses, and also the fact that Yoko Ono is standing next to him. I like how you don't just come out and say "John Lennon steps out", this is much more interesting.
"'I just killed John Lennon,'
he calmly replies,
a wild look in his eyes."
I don't know if you meant to rhyme this part or not... just pointing out that it happened. Otherwise, this was pretty good . It showed that Lennon's killer wasn't exactly... right in the head. I think he was some radical fan, right? I dunno, I could be wrong.
All in all, my favorite part and what I though was most effective in this poem was the full circle ending, when you made the first stanza the same as your last. |
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Jonathan94
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 10:19 am Post subject: |
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Chapman Has a Gun
Chapman has a gun, (quite a funny line actually to open on i enjoyed it)
tucked safely in his coat.
He hides in the shadows of the Dakota.
Limousine pulls up to the curb,
a man in round glasses steps out,
Yoko poised confidently at his side.
Chapman jumps out of the shadows
his .38 Revolver pointed at the man’s back, (could use better wording here)
Six shots ring across the square.
Lennon stumbles two steps
before he collapses,
Yoko screams and weeps frantically.(again better wording is needed)
“Do you know what you’ve done?”
the door man shouts,
shaking Chapman by the shoulders.
“I just killed John Lennon,”
he calmly replies,
a wild look in his eyes.(hmm not so sure about these 3 lines)
The police come and take Chapman away,
while Lennon is loaded onto a stretcher,
put in the back of an ambulance.
Chapman has a gun,
tucked safely in his coat.
He hides in the shadows of the Dakota.(nice echoe here) |
A good poem with some polishing could be epic though |
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