Topic ID: 33511
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letsPaintTheTown
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jul 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject: Reminiscing of You |
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Sitting under the big willow trees
All I could think of was the memories
You and me laughing in the sun
You and me, together as one
Wondering why the old tree cries
Then I know, because of the time passing by
We're no longer one, but two
No longer together, there's me and there's you
Thinking back to those times
Buying me flowers, counting your nickels and dimes
And when I smell those roses, I think of us
I think of our love, I think of our trust
Remembering how much we loved eachother
In X's and O's we'd both be smothered
Remembering the first time we shared a dance
We thought it would be our only chance
Little did we know, there were more dances coming our way
And those three little words we were to say
Sitting under the big willow trees
All I could think of was the memories
I love you |
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Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 70
Reviews: 43
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: OKay. |
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It's good. I can't say I liked it, it's not personally my cup of tea, but I won't knock the fact that its a promising good work of poetry.
Now for my criticism:
1.) You gotta put some periods in there, homie. I can't hold my breath that long and your poem was like a page. Put a period after every complete thought. I'm not going to spell it out for you because you are old enough to know when a period is needed. (After a complete subject and a verb)
2.) Stanzas. I would totally divide that shiz into stanzas. For once, the problem was that flowed too much. It was this giant puddle of goo, and you need to make that puddle into a functioning individual instead of a sack of stuff (for lack of a better word).
3.) Can you not put the "I love you" there? Since the poem seemed like it was supposed to be original, you might want to cut out as many cliches as you can. ending it with "I love you" as about as cliche as mother goose, no offense. When I write poems and end with something like that, I think to myself "OMG THIS IS HELLA AWESOME, EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE LIKE WOAH!" and really, in the end, it's just an inflated cliche. In lamen's terms "You ain't Mick Jagger." You can't use cliches unless you invented them.
4.) Uh, "remembering" you say it a lot, and it's not really needed. only one is needed. The reader can infer that the others are still memories. It likes me saying: "remember that time I wrote 'It's good' and remember that time I was like 'WOAH' and remember...and so on and so on."
5.) "I think of our love, I think of our trust" phrases and stuff like that, just seem really shallow. You need to delve deeper. DEEPER, tell me the extent of the trust, the extent of the love. I think the emotions you were trying to convey were strong and distinct, but they ended up being vague and scrawny like a little girly man. Don't make your poem a gooey little girly man. Make it tre macho. MUCHO MUCHO MACHO!
6.) Repetitive, "thinks" and "remembers" we can infer those, yet again. It got tiring.
7.) NOT CRITICISM: I liked the little "In X's and O's we'd both be smothered" try to show that kind of creativity and word play with the rest of the poem. I think that was the best line in the entire thing and there should be so much more like it.
8.) HELPFUL TIP: Just to even it out, try approaching the poem or the idea of "reminiscing" in a less conventional manner. People don't just sit and reminisce unless they are old, or about to die. I mean, let's say you are thinking of all these times when climbing up a tree and each rung is a new memory and then, finally at the top of the tree and look out to the heavens "I love you." Eh? Just try something less old and distant and more like you. Something YOU would do, not some character in a poem. I really did seem to lack a sense of individuality in it. So, put yourself in there please.
All in all, it's really promising. There's so much you can do with it. I hope I help a little, at least.
Good luck and thanks for the read. |
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letsPaintTheTown
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Jul 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: Re: OKay. |
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Wow, well, thank you so much for taking the time to think of how I could make this better. I know when periods are needed--but I thought the poet always had a choice of when to use puncuation. Right? Like Paul Hunter. 
Alright, I'll do that. I'll go back after I finish typing my responses to you to fix it.
Ahhh, I didn't realize that was as cliche as I had thought... I wanted to end with the 'I Love You' because of the line (I actually forgot the line--I'm not very good at remembering) that was something about when they'd say those three words. I wanted to actually PUT those three words in there, you know?
I put remembering in there several times on purpose. I'm working on getting a thesaurus, ha.
Oh, geez. Well, I definitely don't want my poem seeming masculine, since I'm actually a chick. But, I've never been in love, so, to be quite honest, all my romance writing I just make up. I really don't know anything to put.
Thanks. I actually wasn't sure about that line--I thought it was almost lame and corny. But, I guess not, because you have a good idea of what's right and what's not.
And that's why you don't sense any individuality. Because I'm not the individual in the poem. I'm too young to ever have dated or been in love, haha.
Bottomline... thank you so much! I really appreciate the critique, and I will take it all into consideration! |
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yeah, your heart breaks deep and you're feeling like there's nowhere to go... -When Your Heart Breaks Deep, by David Dondero |
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