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Adelaide, a Prologue.
Adelaide, a Prologue.

by Lost_in_dreamland in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on June 16, 2005
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sixteen

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 6:45 pm    Post subject: sixteen Reply with quote

EDITED VERSION:



it doesn't have any sugar

but that doesn't mean it isn't sweet



the olden days of innocence and freedom

have fallen by the wayside

and you're left with this



a cornocupia of pressure and responsibility

never failing to remind you of your faults

never forgetting to make you fear the future



why are you left with the only one

that doesn't understand hangovers

and never wants bedroom fumbling



as indie as it is 

you'd rather have shared the same as others

relished the dying months

rather than stuck in the shadows

showering paper with pointless ideas

and ripped them up, tore them apart



but you'll still raise your glass

and toast those dark ages

because you'll always have the last laugh

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Last edited by Firestarter on Sat Jun 18, 2005 5:18 pm; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2005 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ancient Chinese proverb: "He who laughs last, is slowest."

...

Okay, the real version is "He who laughs last, laughs best," if no one got that.

But, anyway, this was well worded, and it was a good, piece. I especially likethe first stanza.

The only thing that I would reccommend changing is the title. It just dosen't seem very original. There are too many number titles. If someone were to come up to a poetry expert, and ask, "Hey, have you read that piece entitled "Sixteen?," then the most likely response would probably be "Which one?"

But that's my only reccomendation. Nice work.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 8:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great. Good concept, very well-written. Nice work.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. Well...it's the only piece entitled "sixteen" in my collection so I'll never get confused. It's a reference to the years, rather than the sixteenth poem or whatever.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm.... I liked it, but not as much as your others.

Quote:
but i'll still raise my glass
and toast those dark ages
because i'll always have the last laugh


I liked this closing. It was neat... gave me a cool image.

Overall, it's a good poem, but didn't really strike me in any way.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You seemed quite detached from this yourself. It was like a second-person nostalgia.

It was pretty, but it didn't leave any impact on me, nothing to contemplate later about my teenage years. The problem with this poem, for me, was that you used "me" and tried to be universal. Had all of the me's been you's it would have been better because it would have spoken to me. Now, if you use 'me' and remain personal, it can still speak to people, but being self-centered and universal rarely works, though I commend you for trying.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2005 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, good tip Brad, I've just realised if I change them all to "you"s then it would be much better. I was too consumed into writing about myself, yes, and should probably change that.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I changed all the "I's" and stuff and I liked it 10 times more. But before that, I didn't feel connected at all..

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it's really good....reminds me of a sadness I sometimes feel, and rarely but occasionally am consumed by....and it reminded me of night, and loneliness, and staring at dying things that nobody else stares at, and it reminded me of how strange it is to be yourself when nobody else is theirselves...and it reminded me of all of my notebooks of pointless ideas, that were scrawled just so that I could scrawl something, and then it reminds me of my wonderful ideas, that in the light of further education is...just sad, just dead, idealistic and stupid. Sigh. I thought it was great.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it's a lot better now that it's edited.

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This thread was created on June 16, 2005

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