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Already Won Me
Already Won Me

by lilymoore in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on July 24, 2008
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Murder & Investigation #1 - Before the Murder

Murder & Investigation #2 - Discovery of the Murder

Topic ID: 33487
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:24 am    Post subject: Murder & Investigation #2 - Discovery of the Murder Reply with quote

*Warning: This has references to rape and other sexual things. Rated for language*

Sorry it took so freaking long to post this. I completely forgot about it + the first half of it sucked, so I redid it. I hope you like it. I would advise you to read part one first.

-

Discovery of the Murder

Andrew Baxter is used to ‘whodunits’. They’re simple to discover, and even simpler to solve. First: the victim. Find out why, how, when and who.

Looking at a clipboard that Detective Manyes had given him, Baxter reads off the victim’s name. “Holly Eva. Fifteen. Resides in Atlanta, Georgia. Born July 13, 1993.”

Baxter nods to an officer who is holding the yellow “CSI: DO NOT PASS” tape above Baxter’s head. Baxter resumes looking at the clipboard.

“Murdered in the Atlanta High schoolyard. Victim of rape.”

There is a swarm of police and EMTs. On his way by, Baxter notices a man and a woman. The woman is crying in the man’s arms.

“Mr. and Mrs. Eva?” Baxter says. The couple fearfully glances into Baxter’s hard eyes.

“Before I take a look, I would like to ask you a few questions.” Baxter’s voice is toning down sympathetically. “Would Mrs. Eva please join me for a bit? It’s only going to take a minute.”

Mrs. Eva looks at her husband and wipes her eyes. She nods and stands up, shakily. Her husband supports her. Baxter smiles and shakes her hand.

“Hello. I am Detective Baxter from the Atlanta Police Department. I need to ask you some questions about your daughter,” Baxter says, leading Mrs. Eva away from her tearful husband. This is the first time that Baxter sees her eyes. They sparkle, even through the tears. They are like blue gems, contrasting with her ravishingly red hair that falls to her shoulder.

She wipes her eyes again, leaving a smear of mascara.

“Was your daughter participating in any sort of drugs, alcohol, or anything of the sort?” Mrs. Eva shakes her head silently, her red hair dancing. Her eyes are red and swollen. Bloodshot.

“Was she in any sort of a relationship?”

“She was, but that was a while ago. They’ve broken up,” Mrs. Eva whispers.

“Were they sexually involved?” Baxter sees Mrs. Eva’s jaw drop. Her eyes search his.

“Of course not!” Her voice is hoarse.

“It’s just a question, ma’am. Was your daughter in any position to commit suicide?” This question has the same affect the last one had.

“Of course not! Why would Holly—”

“As I said, it’s just a question. Thank you for your time.” Baxter smiles warmly, motioning his arm to Mr. Eva, who was staring at two of them. Mrs. Eva leaves without looking at Baxter.

He glances at his clipboard once more before entering the murder scene. There are pictures of the girl attached, and he shifts through them. She looks exactly like her mother. Beautiful red hair that flows past her shoulders and a long, delicate nose. Baxter tries not to notice the markings around her neck: obvious signs of strangulation.

“Tony?” Baxter asks and taps an officer on the shoulder. The man cranes his neck to look at the detective.

“Oh! Hello!” he says, and shakes hands with Baxter. They exchange smiles.

“Would you mind showing me the murder scene? Is the body still there?”

“Yeah, the body’s been identified by her parents. We have her taken care of. The murder scene is just around this bend. By the canal. You can’t miss it,” Tony states, pointing his fingers across the schoolyard. Baxter nods his thanks and takes off towards the crime scene.

When he arrives, he flips open his badge, and the officers allow him to pass through. He sees Katy Winston, his niece. She has been working for the Atlanta Police Department ever since she graduated from college.

“Katy?” She turns around at the mention of her name, and a smile appears on her face.

“Hey.”

“Found anything useful?” Baxter is eyeing the crime scene with his skilled eye. He was standing in a field of grass. There is a barbed wire fence to his right, and a canal rushes past him. The remains of the morning fog are vanishing slowly.

“Yeah. We’ve found fingerprints on Holly Eva’s bag. They’re being sent to the lab right now. We’ve also found semen on the grass. It’s with the fingerprints.”

“She was raped?” Baxter cries, and looks at his clipboard. He must’ve skimmed past it, because it clearly stated that she was a victim of rape.

“Yeah. Poor girl. Raped in her schoolyard. Of course, no one could see it because of the fog. It’s just horrible what people do, you know?” Katy says, and then resumes checking for evidence.

“Where is the body?”

“Uh, I think that they took her to the lab, also. For the autopsy. We should have results by tomorrow morning? At the latest, I think.” Katy wipes her forehead and curses the sun. “It’s so hot…”

Baxter chuckles as he begins to leave. Then he adds: “Hey, Katy? Will you call me if you find anything new?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks.”

*

Gregory Mandel jumps when Detective Baxter knocks on the glass door. The pathologist waves to the man and invites him in. Baxter pushes the door open and nods his head.

“So, Greg, do we have any leads so far? Fingerprints? DNA?” Baxter walks around the table where the corpse of Holly Eva is laid. A thin sheet covers her nakedness. From her chest up is exposed, revealing nasty wounds on her neck.

“Yes. Apparently, our killer wasn’t that bright. He left traces all over her neck, her torso, and vagina. Fingerprints literally are abundant,” Mandel states, writing notes on a clipboard. Baxter nods and walks around the body, examining the strangulation marks on her neck. They are bright red.

“Well, not all the murderers and rapists are the smartest cookie in the cookie jar,” Baxter whispers. “Do we have suspects?”

“Three. There’s, ah, Heber Smeltzer. Thirty-two. He has a record of being a pedophile before. He was released from prison two years ago. Probation didn’t last long. He’s been quiet since then.

“There’s also Roger Beck. Twenty-nine. Got in some deep shit a while back. Drugs and stuff. He’s raped before, but was released after serving his time. He’s a rather strange man.”

“They all sound the same,” Baxter laughs and eyes Holly.

“Yeah. Anyway, the last is her ex-boyfriend. Bradley Keetch.”

“Her boyfriend?” Baxter asks, pausing. His eyebrows begin to scrunch together. “Why is her ex-boyfriend a suspect?”

“We found his semen in her pubic hair. I don’t know why he’d want to kill her or something. We’re interrogating the suspects right now,” Mandel says, eyeing Baxter. “It isn’t unusual for teens to go at it, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s not the problem. Holly lied to her parents. Well, I guess she didn’t lie if she never told them…”

“Teens tend to do that,” Mandel reminds him. He then returns to scribbling notes in his clipboard.

*

Baxter opens the door into the interrogation room. Detective Marley is sitting in a chair across from a man with scars running up and down his face. The sight makes Baxter pause before taking another step into the room. From his knowledge, the man was Heber Smeltzer.

“Detective Baxter?” Marley asks, turning around in his chair. The scarred face man glares at the two detectives.

“Hey, uh, I was just coming in to see if I could help at all here?” There is a certain bitterness in Baxter’s voice. Marley replied with the same bitter tongue:

“No. We are doing fine.” He then turns back around in his chair and waits to hear Baxter close the door and leave. He doesn’t hear it. “Do you need something, detective?”

“I would like a word with the suspect.”

Marley turns back around. “I am in the middle of something. Will you please wait outside until I am through?” Baxter breathes through his nose and stares into Marley’s eyes. There is a silent battle between them, and Baxter gives in. He exits out the door, and Marley turns around to face his suspect.

“I can’t stand that lousy sonofabitch,” Baxter whispers as he walks away. He passes a young man with bleached blonde hair. Baxter doesn’t give him a second thought until he reaches the receptionist, Carla.

“Do you know where I can find the suspects for the Holly Eva case?” he asks, placing his arms on the counter. Carla looked up behind her horn-rimmed glasses. She flicked her finger over to the young man seated.

“That’s that Ketchup kid. Or whatever is name is.”

“Ah. Thank you.”

Baxter makes his way over to Keetch. The young man raises his head and stands up. Baxter could tell through the boy’s eyes that he wasn’t meant to be here.

“Do you mind if we take a step into my office? The interrogation room is full.” Keetch nods curtly and follows Baxter through the police station. When they reach Baxter’s office, he opens the door for the suspect and offers him a seat. The detective makes his way to his desk, where he sits down and sighs.

“Listen,” Keetch begins, “I didn’t kill her. I swear to God that I didn’t kill her!”

“I know. I just need to ask you a few questions first,” Baxter states calmly. Keetch sighs and leans back in his chair. He is wearing a tight T-shirt and long jeans. The shirt bears the words: If my music is too loud, you’re too old.

“First off, were you sexually involved with Holly Eva?” Keetch instantly groans and puts his hands over his face.

“I-I didn’t know what I was doing, alright? We were drunk. Alcohol makes me do stupid things. Things that I wish I’d never done.”

“So you will testify that it is your semen in her pubic hair?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Keetch is shaking now.

“How long ago was this?” This question takes him by surprise. His eyes widen, but they quickly looked around the room, avoiding Baxter’s eyes. There is a horribly long pause.

“Bradley, please answer my question.”

“I have the right to remain silent, right?” Keetch questions, still refusing to look into Baxter’s eyes.

“Well, yes.” Keetch keeps silent for the remainder of the interrogation.

*

Baxter meets up with Marley in the hallway. The other detective is drinking a mug of coffee, and nearly spits it out when he hears Baxter’s voice.

“Marley, I think we need to have a word.” Marley turns to face him, setting his eyes upon him.

“What about?”

“The suspects. Let’s just get this over with. What did you learn about Smeltzer?”

“He’s a total psycho. He just hasn’t done anything yet. From what I can gather, he’s a family friend. The Eva’s would invite him over for dinner, sometimes. They probably didn’t know about his jail time. Nothing would ever come up or anything. Why did he become a suspect, again?”

“Holly’s parents found a chat room conversation saved on her computer. It talked about her meeting a boy named Josh by the canal by the school. Apparently they went to the same school and had the same interests. If Smeltzer wanted to rape and kill her, he would know everything he needed,” Baxter says, referring to his clipboard for support. Marley nods.

“I’ve also had the time to interview Roger Beck. He’s one of those guys that get caught up in drugs and crap like that. Apparently, he’s the one that got her caught up with meth. He’s been her drug dealer for a while now. So, either way I see it, he’s going behind bars no matter the outcome of the Eva case is.”

Baxter is amazed at Holly. Lying to her parents. Getting mixed up with illegal drugs. Having sex with her ex-boyfriend. And still, she was on the Student Body Office for her high school. It shocks him how low a pretty little girl could get.

“Now, tell me all you know about Keetch,” Marley says, and Baxter nods. He speaks about his interrogation with the ex-boyfriend and how he admitted to having sex with Holly, but refused to comment when.

“I see,” Marley sighs and wipes his brow. His coffee is getting cold. “What’s the next step?”

“We have to wait for the fingerprints. Only then will we find out who it was. And then we’ll take him and Beck to jail. Case closed,” Baxter says. Marley nods and sips his coffee.

“When will the results come in?”

“Tomorrow morning at the latest,” Baxter replies.

“Alright. We’ll keep them locked up ‘til then. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Marley asks, dully. He already knows the answer.

“Of course you will.”


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey BBB!!!!,

Well anyways, this was a good way to discover the murder. The detectives and the whole crime scene really was realistic and I thought that this was a good next installment. I did however find a few problems and I do have about one or two nitpicks but other than that this was great!
Quote:
They sparkle, even through the tears. They are like blue gems, contrasting with her ravishingly red hair that falls to her shoulder.

This sentence doesn't read well and its mainly because of the repetition of the word 'they'. When you're talking about one thing, in this case, Mrs. Eva's eyes you want to either combine the two details or scrap one.
Possible remake:
Through her ravishing red hair, they sparkle like blue gems.


Quote:
Mrs. Eva shakes her head silently, her red hair dancing. Her eyes are red and swollen.

You seem to be using red a lot in this piece which is okay if they're spread across different parts that are away from each other. But here, the repetition here doesn't exactly read well.
Maybe you could say,
Mrs. Eva shakes her head silently, making her scarlet locks dance. Around the cerulean irises, her eyes are red and swollen. Bloodshot.


If you want, which I'd suggest, go back and read your story and try to find a different word to describe red hair here and there. Trust me, it'll make the read better.

Quote:
“Thanks.”

Gregory Mandel jumps when Detective Baxter knocks on the glass door. The pathologist waves to the man and invites him in. Baxter pushes the door open and nods his head.

I see that you're switching scenes. Well I know you put this big space in between to show that but maybe a nice little star would suffice.
Like this,
Quote:
“Thanks.”

*
Gregory Mandel jumps when Detective Baxter knocks on the glass door. The pathologist waves to the man and invites him in. Baxter pushes the door open and nods his head.

You seem to put spaces in between different scenes a lot throughout this story but I think the star works best. What do you think?

Well I didn't see anything wrong other than what I just pointed out. My only advice for you is, explore different adjectives and keep writing!!
Thanks for the excellent read, can't wait for the next part,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm...Okay, I'm not going to give you a line-by-line review, because your grammar's looking really good in this piece. :D *nods in a teacherly way* I am going to point out some things that seemed a little incongruous in my opinion.


1. Baxter's personality: It changes constantly. First he seems like a typical Horatio Cane, stone-faced, suave, cool. Then he seems horrified by the crime scene and his job - he doesn't seem like a cop anymore; he starts acting like a parent or a friend. His emotions seem strangely unstable, like he can't decide what mood he's in. I'm thinking this is a result of the fact that YOU can't decide what mood he's in. :D So try to fix his personality in your mind and don't waver from that.

2. The crime scene: First of all, excellent descriptions. You made me nauseous, which is exactly what you wanted to do, and you also explained the situation with a level of professionalism that made me believe the crime scene is one hundred percent non-fiction.

BUT I feel that, again, Baxter was too emotional at this crime scene. Especially the part where he asks in astonishment if she was raped. He's a CSI. He wouldn't be startled or shocked because of rape. Rape is a common issue when you're investigating murders. Also, why would he be shocked that a talented, popular girl was into drugs? Again, that's fairly common (trust me - I know.) He could definitely be disappointed and sad, but I doubt he would be shocked.

3. The twist: I'm just waiting for it. I'm waiting to find out that the Smeltzer guy was totally innocent, that his twin brother stalked and killed Holly and Smeltzer was trying to save her - I want a twist. I want something unexpected to pop out from behind the bushes and laugh and say, "Bet you didn't see this coming." That's the secret of good mystery stories - an unexpected ending. So keep that in mind as you're writing. :)


Overall, this is very, very promising. Again, your descriptions are great, and you obviously have a lot of knowledge about police departments which you are putting to good use. Keep up the good work! :)

Your friendly neighborhood editor,
~Sunny

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, this made me shudder. It almost makes me sick, even. Which is very good (besides the slight gagging feeling trying to come up from the back of my throat. Heh). It means that all of this is very believable. I found a few little mistakes, but nothing big:

Quote:
“Yeah, the body’s been identified by her parents. We have her taken care of. The murder scene is just around this bend. By the canal. You can’t miss it,” Tony states, pointing his fingers across the schoolyard. Baxter nods his thanks and takes off towards the crime scene.


Here's where I get a little confused as to the location Baxter and all of them are in. It sounded like they were in the office but now it sounds like they're outside. You might want to make a little more clear.

Quote:
There is a barbed wire fence to his right, and a canal rushes past him. The remains of the morning fog are vanishing slowly.


So how long is this occurring after the actual murder? It sounds like it's that morning, with the fog and such. I know it probably isn't, but nothing about how long ago she was murdered is mentioned, so it's not very clear.

Quote:
“She was raped?” Baxter cries, and looks at his clipboard. He must’ve skimmed past it, because it clearly stated that she was a victim of rape.


Okay, read this above. Now read this:

Quote:
Baxter nods to an officer who is holding the yellow “CSI: DO NOT PASS” tape above Baxter’s head. Baxter resumes looking at the clipboard.

“Murdered in the Atlanta High schoolyard. Victim of rape.”


So in that first quote, Baxter is totally unaware she's been raped, but then earlier, he had just read in on the clipboard?

Anyway, that's all of that. Now, reading this, I must say I lost all sympathy and attachment to Holly. In #1, I thought she was just an innocent, if not a little brainless girl. But that all changed when I figured out that she had sex with her boyfriend, takes drugs, drinks alcohol and whatnot. It's kind of hard for me to feel sorry for anyone who got murdered who was making some seriously bad decisions. I also don't feel any attachment to Baxter, who is obviously a main character. So I think you may want to work on a little character development. Other than that, this was absolutely awesome. Totally like... CSI status. It was incredibly believable and realistic; I would've thought you were in crime scene investigation stuff had I not known any better! Two thumbs up. Very Happy

Holly

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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Andrew Baxter is used to ‘whodunits’. They’re simple to discover, and even simpler to solve. First: the victim. Find out why, how, when and who.


when you say "first" and then blah blah blah you should say Second: why and how and third when and who, get it? it just makes it sound better because when you say it like that it seems like there is only one step which you probably didn't mean to do


Looking at a clipboard that Detective Manyes had given him, Baxter reads off the victim’s name. “Holly Eva. Fifteen. Resides in Atlanta, Georgia. Born July 13, 1993.”


Quote:
Baxter nods to an officer who is holding the yellow “CSI: DO NOT PASS” tape above Baxter’s head. Baxter resumes looking at the clipboard.


he nods, looking upward? why would the tape be above his head?.


“Murdered in the Atlanta High schoolyard. Victim of rape.”


There is a swarm of police and EMTs. On his way by, Baxter notices a man and a woman. The woman is crying in the man’s arms.


“Mr. and Mrs. Eva?” Baxter says. The couple fearfully glances into Baxter’s hard eyes.


“Before I take a look, I would like to ask you a few questions.” Baxter’s voice is toning down sympathetically. “Would Mrs. Eva please join me for a bit? It’s only going to take a minute.”


Mrs. Eva looks at her husband and wipes her eyes. She nods and stands up, shakily. Her husband supports her. Baxter smiles and shakes her hand.


“Hello. I am Detective Baxter from the Atlanta Police Department. I need to ask you some questions about your daughter,” Baxter says, leading Mrs. Eva away from her tearful husband. This is the first time that Baxter sees her eyes. They sparkle, even through the tears. They are like blue gems, contrasting with her ravishingly red hair that falls to her shoulder.


She wipes her eyes again, leaving a smear of mascara.


“Was your daughter participating in any sort of drugs, alcohol, or anything of the sort?” Mrs. Eva shakes her head silently, her red hair dancing. Her eyes are red and swollen. Bloodshot.


“Was she in any sort of a relationship?”


“She was, but that was a while ago. They’ve broken up,” Mrs. Eva whispers.

“Were they sexually involved?” Baxter sees Mrs. Eva’s jaw drop. Her eyes search his.

“Of course not!” Her voice is hoarse.

Quote:
“It’s just a question, ma’am. Was your daughter in any position to commit suicide?” This question has the same affect the last one had.

“Of course not! Why would Holly—”

“As I said, it’s just a question. Thank you for your time.” Baxter smiles warmly, motioning his arm to Mr. Eva, who was staring at two of them. Mrs. Eva leaves without looking at Baxter.


This baxter charater seems really cold hearted and unemotionless except in certain quick moments that even then seem fake. If Baxter really means to be sincere he dosn't show it too well. Also why would he ask if she would have commited suicide if she was raped? Usually detectives look at the crime scene and then talk to the parents, usually.

He glances at his clipboard once more before entering the murder scene. There are pictures of the girl attached, and he shifts through them. She looks exactly like her mother. Beautiful red hair that flows past her shoulders and a long, delicate nose. Baxter tries not to notice the markings around her neck: obvious signs of strangulation.

“Tony?” Baxter asks and taps an officer on the shoulder. The man cranes his neck to look at the detective.

“Oh! Hello!” he says, and shakes hands with Baxter. They exchange smiles.

“Would you mind showing me the murder scene? Is the body still there?”

“Yeah, the body’s been identified by her parents. We have her taken care of. The murder scene is just around this bend. By the canal. You can’t miss it,” Tony states, pointing his fingers across the schoolyard. Baxter nods his thanks and takes off towards the crime scene.

When he arrives, he flips open his badge, and the officers allow him to pass through. He sees Katy Winston, his niece. She has been working for the Atlanta Police Department ever since she graduated from college.

“Katy?” She turns around at the mention of her name, and a smile appears on her face.

“Hey.”

“Found anything useful?” Baxter is eyeing the crime scene with his skilled eye. He was standing in a field of grass. There is a barbed wire fence to his right, and a canal rushes past him. The remains of the morning fog are vanishing slowly.

“Yeah. We’ve found fingerprints on Holly Eva’s bag. They’re being sent to the lab right now. We’ve also found semen on the grass. It’s with the fingerprints.”

Quote:
“She was raped?” Baxter cries, and looks at his clipboard. He must’ve skimmed past it, because it clearly stated that she was a victim of rape.


When you say "Baxter cries" it seems too dramatic and it should be "cried" if you want it that way, I feel like this character is a little clumsy because detectives are usually very scrutinizing about these things, try and fix that

“Yeah. Poor girl. Raped in her schoolyard. Of course, no one could see it because of the fog. It’s just horrible what people do, you know?” Katy says, and then resumes checking for evidence.

Quote:
“Where is the body?”

“Uh, I think that they took her to the lab, also. For the autopsy. We should have results by tomorrow morning? At the latest, I think.” Katy wipes her forehead and curses the sun. “It’s so hot…”


i thought that a detective a minute ago in the story said she was still there when he was asking if he could go back?

Baxter chuckles as he begins to leave. Then he adds: “Hey, Katy? Will you call me if you find anything new?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks.”


*


Gregory Mandel jumps when Detective Baxter knocks on the glass door. The pathologist waves to the man and invites him in. Baxter pushes the door open and nods his head.

Quote:
“So, Greg, do we have any leads so far? Fingerprints? DNA?” Baxter walks around the table where the corpse of Holly Eva is laid. A thin sheet covers her nakedness. From her chest up is exposed, revealing nasty wounds on her neck.


I think you should change "is laid" to was lying

“Yes. Apparently, our killer wasn’t that bright. He left traces all over her neck, her torso, and vagina. Fingerprints literally are abundant,” Mandel states, writing notes on a clipboard. Baxter nods and walks around the body, examining the strangulation marks on her neck. They are bright red.

Quote:
“Well, not all the murderers and rapists are the smartest cookie in the cookie jar,” Baxter whispers. “Do we have suspects?”


why would he whisper that, it's not a secret or anyting and they are alone, plus even if someone else in the room were to here that it wouldn't matter, say said or retorted

“Three. There’s, ah, Heber Smeltzer. Thirty-two. He has a record of being a pedophile before. He was released from prison two years ago. Probation didn’t last long. He’s been quiet since then.

“There’s also Roger Beck. Twenty-nine. Got in some deep shit a while back. Drugs and stuff. He’s raped before, but was released after serving his time.
Quote:
He’s a rather strange man.”


That's a little redundant

They all sound the same,” Baxter laughs and eyes Holly



“Yeah. Anyway, the last is her ex-boyfriend. Bradley Keetch.”

“Her boyfriend?” Baxter asks, pausing. His eyebrows begin to scrunch together. “Why is her ex-boyfriend a suspect?”

Quote:
“We found his semen in her pubic hair. I don’t know why he’d want to kill her or something. We’re interrogating the suspects right now,” Mandel says, eyeing Baxter. “It isn’t unusual for teens to go at it, you know.”


Why would his semen be there, i thought they broke up a while ago, it stayed there for weeks and weeks?

“Yeah, yeah, that’s not the problem. Holly lied to her parents. Well, I guess she didn’t lie if she never told them…”

“Teens tend to do that,” Mandel reminds him. He then returns to scribbling notes in his clipboard.


*


Baxter opens the door into the interrogation room. Detective Marley is sitting in a chair across from a man with scars running up and down his face. The sight makes Baxter pause before taking another step into the room. From his knowledge, the man was Heber Smeltzer.

“Detective Baxter?” Marley asks, turning around in his chair. The scarred face man glares at the two detectives.

“Hey, uh, I was just coming in to see if I could help at all here?” There is a certain bitterness in Baxter’s voice. Marley replied with the same bitter tongue:

“No. We are doing fine.” He then turns back around in his chair and waits to hear Baxter close the door and leave. He doesn’t hear it. “Do you need something, detective?”

“I would like a word with the suspect.”

Marley turns back around. “I am in the middle of something. Will you please wait outside until I am through?” Baxter breathes through his nose and stares into Marley’s eyes. There is a silent battle between them, and Baxter gives in. He exits out the door, and Marley turns around to face his suspect.

“I can’t stand that lousy sonofabitch,” Baxter whispers as he walks away. He passes a young man with bleached blonde hair. Baxter doesn’t give him a second thought until he reaches the receptionist, Carla.

“Do you know where I can find the suspects for the Holly Eva case?” he asks, placing his arms on the counter. Carla looked up behind her horn-rimmed glasses. She flicked her finger over to the young man seated.

Quote:
“That’s that Ketchup kid. Or whatever is name is.”


Whatever "his" name is

“Ah. Thank you.”

Baxter makes his way over to Keetch. The young man raises his head and stands up. Baxter could tell through the boy’s eyes that he wasn’t meant to be here.

“Do you mind if we take a step into my office? The interrogation room is full.” Keetch nods curtly and follows Baxter through the police station. When they reach Baxter’s office, he opens the door for the suspect and offers him a seat. The detective makes his way to his desk, where he sits down and sighs.

“Listen,” Keetch begins, “I didn’t kill her. I swear to God that I didn’t kill her!”

“I know. I just need to ask you a few questions first,” Baxter states calmly. Keetch sighs and leans back in his chair. He is wearing a tight T-shirt and long jeans. The shirt bears the words: If my music is too loud, you’re too old.

“First off, were you sexually involved with Holly Eva?” Keetch instantly groans and puts his hands over his face.

“I-I didn’t know what I was doing, alright? We were drunk. Alcohol makes me do stupid things. Things that I wish I’d never done.”

“So you will testify that it is your semen in her pubic hair?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Keetch is shaking now.

“How long ago was this?” This question takes him by surprise. His eyes widen, but they quickly looked around the room, avoiding Baxter’s eyes. There is a horribly long pause.

“Bradley, please answer my question.”

“I have the right to remain silent, right?” Keetch questions, still refusing to look into Baxter’s eyes.

“Well, yes.” Keetch keeps silent for the remainder of the interrogation.


*


Baxter meets up with Marley in the hallway. The other detective is drinking a mug of coffee, and nearly spits it out when he hears Baxter’s voice.

“Marley, I think we need to have a word.” Marley turns to face him, setting his eyes upon him.

“What about?”

“The suspects. Let’s just get this over with. What did you learn about Smeltzer?”

“He’s a total psycho. He just hasn’t done anything yet. From what I can gather, he’s a family friend. The Eva’s would invite him over for dinner, sometimes. They probably didn’t know about his jail time. Nothing would ever come up or anything. Why did he become a suspect, again?”

“Holly’s parents found a chat room conversation saved on her computer. It talked about her meeting a boy named Josh by the canal by the school. Apparently they went to the same school and had the same interests. If Smeltzer wanted to rape and kill her, he would know everything he needed,” Baxter says, referring to his clipboard for support. Marley nods.

“I’ve also had the time to interview Roger Beck. He’s one of those guys that get caught up in drugs and crap like that. Apparently, he’s the one that got her caught up with meth. He’s been her drug dealer for a while now. So, either way I see it, he’s going behind bars no matter the outcome of the Eva case is.”

Baxter is amazed at Holly. Lying to her parents. Getting mixed up with illegal drugs. Having sex with her ex-boyfriend. And still, she was on the Student Body Office for her high school. It shocks him how low a pretty little girl could get.

“Now, tell me all you know about Keetch,” Marley says, and Baxter nods. He speaks about his interrogation with the ex-boyfriend and how he admitted to having sex with Holly, but refused to comment when.

“I see,” Marley sighs and wipes his brow. His coffee is getting cold. “What’s the next step?”

“We have to wait for the fingerprints. Only then will we find out who it was. And then we’ll take him and Beck to jail. Case closed,” Baxter says. Marley nods and sips his coffee.

“When will the results come in?”

“Tomorrow morning at the latest,” Baxter replies.

“Alright. We’ll keep them locked up ‘til then. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Marley asks, dully. He already knows the answer.

“Of course you will.”

well BBB, this was interesting, I read the first one but i decided not to crit it because you had so many and whatever i said would be redundant, i did like it though, well other than the slang-ish chat talk Very Happy

anyway I hope I helped rather than not

---Jon---
Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! That is one messed up case! I mean, everybody involved basically could have done it! That’s crazy how you involved all of them. Nice job!

I really found nothing wrong with it. No grammatical stuff, no plot, nothing. But I do want to warn you that because you have so many suspects involved, it could get slightly confusing, like at the end there. You are leaving the reader with unanswered questions about how she knew these men and stuff like that. Make sure you make everything clear and keep the reader in the know-how.

Besides that, keep up the good work! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Critique number 2 1/2 for third in my Side Characters Contest.

Quote:
Sorry it took so freaking long to post this. I completely forgot about it + the first half of it sucked, so I redid it. I hope you like it. I would advise you to read part one first.

That's right; I'm critiquing you Author's Note. But don't be lazy – write 'and'! XD

Quote:
Baxter nods to an officer who is holding the yellow “CSI: DO NOT PASS” tape above Baxter’s head. Baxter resumes looking at the clipboard.

Baxter, Baxter, Baxter… care to change that? XD

Quote:
“She was raped?” Baxter cries, and looks at his clipboard.

He already *said* that, so that made no sense. And 'cried' makes no sense, as he should be used to it by now.

Quote:
Gregory Mandel jumps when Detective Baxter knocks on the glass door. The pathologist waves to the man and invites him in. Baxter pushes the door open and nods his head.

You used names too much again.

Quote:
A thin sheet covers her nakedness.

Nakedness? Maybe… nudity?

Quote:
The Eva’s would invite him over for dinner,

Ditch this comma.

Overall Comments

Hm… not my favorite one so far.

Emotion

'We'll keep them locked up 'til then'? So they were already in the cell? Duuuude, do you know how much that would effect them? And that Keech guy just had his ex-girlfriend die – wouldn't he be a little shaken up?

Go read 'The Pact' by Jodi Picoult. It has the perfect emotions for this, and you need to learn how people would react to something like this somehow if you can't watch it all. (And TV does NOT count.)

Miranda Rights

He has to be read these before being interrogated. Any old detective would know this.

Details

I know you hate them, but descriptions would help your piece, Jare.

Okay, that's all I can think of. You have a distinct style, Jare. It's not my favorite, but you're great for the style.

PM/IM me for anything.

~JFW1415

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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well again you gave us all a great piece that I enjoyed reading. I am more of an amateur writer but I know what good is. There weren't many errors in this piece, the previous critiques covered most of them.
Things are getting very intense and I hope to see a great plot twist in the future. Keep up the good work! Very Happy

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