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Minniax
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Nov 2007
Posts: 112
Reviews: 18
Country: Pa, USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: A Few Poems I Made... |
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I wasn't very sure what genres to put them under, or if it would be alright to have them all on this one post. If not please do tell so that I can fix that ;]
I haven't been on in a while =]
What do you think of each? Please critisize your hearts out because I really want to learn how I can improve with all this. I'm TERRIBLE with punctuation. I just started writing poetry. I wrote all these yesterday, the last one today.
I cry in the dark so you can't see the constant tears,
Dress up in black to help hide my childish fears.
Rain red blood onto the cold, hard ground,
Try my hardest to hide, and not be found.
__________________________
Feirce and wild,
is this beaten child.
Running from home
having to roam.
Bearing the scars,
of all the wars.
All the years,
Of bloodshed and tears.
Breathe your last breath,
while you enter your death.
Leave this hell, fly free,
fly miles past the conifer tree.
___________________________
Through these hazel eyes,
I throw my head back and look deep into the blue skys,
and wonder why...why...why
do the ones you love have to die, die ,die?
________________________
This sudden bliss,
is caused by the gentle kiss
that was placed lightly
upon my quavering lips.
_________________________
You ripped out my heart,
right from the start.
Tampered my feelings,
Drew my rage right through the ceiling.
I stumbled out the door,
not ready for more.
Get out of here,
don't want to reveal the angry tears.
No I won't cry,
cause they will wonder why.
my hazel eyes, they are clear,
I don't have to fear.
Humiliation,
the contemplation.
You tore out my soul,
now I'm ready to go.
Fly free,
don't have to be,
scared anymore.
I just walked through that open door. |
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I Love My Amazing Bf Derek! =] |
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Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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You said critique it, so that's what I am going to do...
I cry in the dark so you can't see the constant tears,
Dress up in black to help hide my childish fears.
Rain red blood onto the cold, hard ground,
Try my hardest to hide, and not be found.
Response: What does the third line have to do with anything besides rhyme? Take it out, it has no significance. Everything else is cause and effect (the action as a purpose) and then you put that in there. It doesn’t flow or make sense. You can tell the poem comes undone at this line because the whole form changes. The first two lines I like, as well as the last one, but the third one seems like you didn’t know what to put there. Also, only the first line is a complete thought that needs a period. Everything else isn’t. Because your only independent clause is the first line, I would change the ending to be a bit more complete. All in all, I like the idea, but it doesn’t seem solid and I feel as if I was left dangling.
__________________________
Feirce and wild,
is this beaten child.
Running from home
having to roam.
Bearing the scars,
of all the wars.
All the years,
Of bloodshed and tears.
Breathe your last breath,
while you enter your death.
Leave this hell, fly free,
fly miles past the conifer tree.
Through these hazel eyes,
I throw my head back and look deep into the blue skys,
and wonder why...why...why
do the ones you love have to die, die ,die?
Response: “fly miles past the conifer tree” isn’t a good line to me. Again, it seemed as if you just wanted it to rhyme there. Everything above was solid. Then I got to that line and was like WTF? I don’t like the last segment being with it: “through these hazel eyes…why?” If that’s a new poem by itself, I like, but you need to make “why…why...why” be parallel to “die...die...die” so either use commas or ellipses. I would do commas, cuz ellipses is too long of a break. Keep it as it’s own poem. It’s free standing I think.
________________________
This sudden bliss,
is caused by the gentle kiss
that was placed lightly
upon my quavering lips.
Reponse: I like it....very cute.
_________________________
You ripped out my heart,
right from the start.
Tampered my feelings,
Drew my rage right through the ceiling.
I stumbled out the door,
not ready for more.
Get out of here,
don't want to reveal the angry tears.
No I won't cry,
cause they will wonder why.
my hazel eyes, they are clear,
I don't have to fear.
Humiliation,
the contemplation.
You tore out my soul,
now I'm ready to go.
Fly free,
don't have to be,
scared anymore.
I just walked through that open door.
Response: “Drew my rage right through ceiling”…change that. I would get rid of the line, personally. It seemed like it was there, again, to rhyme. Poetry doesn’t have to rhyme. In fact, a good way to show evolution or distortion in a poem (which you provoke a lot) is to allow rhyming schemes and rhythm schemes to come undone or to change completely. Also, the poem begins with “you” and then turns to “I” so the subject changing makes the poem weaker and less comprehensible. Personally “I”, didn’t do anything to “You” but I don’t like what “You” has been doing to “I.” I think “I” is gonna have a break down!
Alright, uh, I don’t really know what to say to critique that last one, but I did make a pretty clever joke, no?
YATTA! |
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Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
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Joined: 29 Nov 2007
Posts: 523
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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As Yatta! said, you asked for a critique, so you're going to get one (actually, quite a few)!  That was meant in the nicest way possible, by the way.
(Note: My comments will be in bold, your writing will be in italics.)
I cry in the dark so you can't see the constant tears,
Dress up in black to help hide my childish fears.
Rain red blood onto the cold, hard ground,
Try my hardest to hide, and not be found.
Okay, so I really did like this one. It's short, and though I don't usually like short poems at all (I don't really like short writings in general), this one really got me thinking. It was right to the point and told us what you were trying to say. My only problem, as Yatta! pointed out, is the third line? What significance does it have in the poem? Everything else made sense. But, this line just threw me off. I was left trying to decode what hidden meaning this line was supposed to be giving me. You've got to be careful of that. At first, I thought I understood what you were trying to get at, but then I kind of lost it. I also especially like the first two lines. Very well written.
Feirce and wild,
is this beaten child.
Running from home
having to roam.
Bearing the scars,
of all the wars.
All the years,
Of bloodshed and tears.
Breathe your last breath,
while you enter your death.
Leave this hell, fly free,
fly miles past the conifer tree.
Ha ha. You're right. Punctuation isn't exactly your strong point. XD It's definitely one of my strong points, but really, I'm just interested in the poem itself. As you learn more about writing, you'll definitely get used to which punctuation goes where. You'll automatically just do it. That's how it is for me now. But, I've been writing for about seven (going on eight) years. So, anywho... On to the critique then, shall I? So, here's what I got out of this: The first and second lines seem to contradict itself to some extent. I see why you worded it the way you did (rhyming purposes, no doubt), but they just seem to contradict each other. I've come to the understanding that children who are abused are actually more withdrawn than 'fierce and wild'. Some children may react differently than others, so I may be wrong. Just think about it. So, next, the third and fourth lines: I really don't think those are worded as well as they could be. 'Running from home, having to roam.' I don't know. It just doesn't seem to click for me. Consider changing that or deleting it completely from the poem. The fifth and sixth lines really bother me, because I can't help but like the point that you're trying to get at. The child bears the scars from everything he/she has been through (meaning the wars). The only thing that ruins this is that 'scars' and 'wars' don't rhyme.  I hate that! I absolutely adore the seventh and eight lines. Perfect. The ninth and tenth lines are very good, but the tenth line should be re-worded. Maybe something like, 'Breathe your last breath, as you approach your untimely death.' I love how you ended it. The absolute perfect ending. Don't change that. I understand it completely and you should know that you are exceptionally good at ending poems. It's exceptional.
Through these hazel eyes,
I throw my head back and look deep into the blue skys,
and wonder why...why...why
do the ones you love have to die, die ,die?
Gr... *scowls* As much as it pains me to be exceptionally critical... you should really just forget about this piece completely. There's no point in editing it, because, 1) This is a cliche' and uberly over-used plot. And, 2) I'm not sure if this is true, but this seems to me as a very forced piece. You know, just something you forced out just to say you wrote something. Don't throw this away though. Put it in a folder as an example of how not to write. Lol. I'm sorry if I'm offending you. Just being the brutally honest person that I am. Stop me at any time, tell me I'm wrong or mean or offensive, or what not. If I bother you, tell me.
This sudden bliss,
is caused by the gentle kiss
that was placed lightly
upon my quavering lips.
Ha ha! Aww! Very cute. Sounds like something I would write. It kind of sounds like a remixed Dr. Seuss poem. I absolutely love it! No editing needed. ^ ^
You ripped out my heart,
right from the start.
Tampered my feelings,
Drew my rage right through the ceiling.
I stumbled out the door,
not ready for more.
Get out of here,
don't want to reveal the angry tears.
No I won't cry,
cause they will wonder why.
my hazel eyes, they are clear,
I don't have to fear.
Humiliation,
the contemplation.
You tore out my soul,
now I'm ready to go.
Fly free,
don't have to be,
scared anymore.
I just walked through that open door.
Ah... last poem. Okay, so, lines one and two are fine. I don't exactly love them, but they're fine. Lines three and four, however, need some serious work. I would say re-word it to something like: 'Tampered with my feelings, throwing my emotions through the ceiling.' Lines five and six should definitely be re-worded. How about something like: 'I stumbled out the door, can't take this anymore.' And then, also, lines seven and eight would make more sense and flow better if you re-worded it to something along the lines of: 'I've got to get out of here, not willing to reveal these angry tears.' Okay, the whole third stanza really just doesn't make much sense to me. Maybe it is just me, but I would change the whole thing. Maybe keep the point the same, but word the whole thing differently. Ick - The fourth stanza is funky. The first two lines of the fourth stanza are okay-ish. But, the third and fourth don't rhyme! If you're going to do a particular rhyme scheme, you definitely need to keep it up though out the whole poem or it's going to be kind of distasteful for readers. The very last stanza, again, is your best of the whole poem. Except, again, it really doesn't have the same rhyme scheme as the rest of the poem. I suppose it would be okay since it is the last stanza. I guess it just bothers me because I have OCD. Everything has got to be perfectly aligned and even. Lol. Don't know if anyone knows what that's like. But you definitely have a gift of ending things very well. Great job!
So, if you have any questions about my critiques or you need any others, feel free to ask me. I'm just a PM away!
<3,
Monki |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 1945
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Country: Where the wild things are.
521 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
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Hey Minniax! My first piece of advice would be to not post all your poems in one thread. Post them separately, but of course not all on one day. That sort of bulk discourages people from critiquing!
Overall, though, I think you need to concentrate more on quality and less on quantity. You wrote them all in the last 24 hours and then posted them? My issue is that they all pretty much sound the same to me. Pieces of verse, little meaning, little thought! The fact that you wrote that many and then just slapped them on the internet implies that you as a poet don't care very much for your work...next time, spend some quality time. Each poem is a baby...usually hatched one or two at a time and then cared for.
Some of these have salvageable lines. But they're starting points, not entire poems, and they can't make up for the babble that is the rest. But here's one line i liked:
| Quote: |
| Try my hardest to hide, and not be found. |
I really love the simple rhythm of this.
-Colleen
P.S. Scars and wars aren't rhymes. I just really wanted to point that out before I left. Thanks. |
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