Topic ID: 33444
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kayla_4571
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 Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 6:22 am Post subject: Waiting Room Jitters. |
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The thought just jumped into my head. Please
tell me what you think, it'd be much appreciated :]
Waiting Room Jitters
Sitting on that chair with the cold, damp wood under my legs I felt as if I were dead. It was damp with my sweat. Damp with my doubt. Everything looks different. Tastes different. Maybe it's just me or maybe, just maybe it's everyone else. Doctor said it was me. Everyone's looking, thinking, judging. Wondering if I am. Just waiting to point and stare. The two people in the room with me remind me of trees; hollow and ready to tip over at any moment. Timber! I feel like yelling but instead I hear someone yelling my name. Walking... seems so foreign. Sitting long amounts of time must
do that to a body. Or so that's what I tell myself.
Again I sit. This time the plastic underneath my ass chills me. In my core I feel shaky, jittery even.
The waiting room jitters. Half past the hour and still he leaves me waiting. Asshole. An answer, that's all. Everything has all been said and done. That's all I want, all I need. Doorknob is turning, and in walks a man with a coat. He reminds of God. Now let's see if there is one. Talking... talking about my life. "I'm sorry but I'm afraid you tested positive." I cut him off by running out. Through the three waiting rooms and through the clinic. Life is... different now. Or maybe everyone else is different. Or maybe, just maybe it's my job to make them different. I feel like a good fuck. Yeah, lots and lots of good fucks.
[spoiler] Okay, in my opinion writing is all about re-writing :] so I made a few changes. And I've decided that some, lol, actually most people don't understand where I'm coming from in my stories so I'll explain this one. I was sitting on my couch wondering what people who are getting tested for AIDS feel like while waiting for their results. I decided to make this man/woman (I really don't think gender matters in this particular story) a bit on the paranoid side. The whole story is very psychological seeing as how you can live many years with the disease. Hope I helped in the understanding  . |
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Last edited by kayla_4571 on Wed Jul 23, 2008 6:34 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Ygaron
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:09 am Post subject: |
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Please keep within the appropriate boundaries of speech. Some people may find language of that type to be offending. Anyway, just a few things.
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| I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you tested positive |
tested positive for what? And how could the doctor have said it was you if you haven't seen him yet? Anyway, I hope this helps! |
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patience_isnt
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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I thought this was just an average short story. It didn't really pull me in, and all the punctuation mistakes really didn't give me a chance of being pulled in. I understand that you explained what happened after, but you should really add that in somehow. It just doesn't make any sense.
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| Sitting on that chair with the cold, damp wood under my legs I felt as if I were dead. It was damp with my sweat. |
Sitting on that chair with the cold, damp wood under my legs, I felt as if I were dead. It was damp with my sweat.
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| It was damp with my sweat. Damp with my doubt. |
It was damp with my sweat; damp with my doubt.
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| Everything looks different. Tastes different. |
Everything looks different; tastes different.
There were a few more, but I can't find them. I think what you really need to do is edit this... alot. I think if you just pretty much rewrite it, it would be so much better. The same idea, just explain what you're talking about. [And, please don't make incomplete sentences for dramatic effect. It doesn't make it dramatic, that's just lazy writing.]
Anyways, you don't have to listen to a word I just said. You can ignore me, and keep your short story the way it is, since you're the author after all. |
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ProfessorRabbit
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 8:59 pm Post subject: Re: Waiting Room Jitters. |
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Sitting on that chair with the cold, damp wood under my legs I felt as if I were dead. It was damp with my sweat. Damp with my doubt.
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You start off with past tense, here, but you switch to present in the next sentence. I'd rewrite this in present tense. Also, I'd take that sentence fragment and combine it with the previous sentence, like so:
"It was damp with my sweat, damp with my doubt." You get the same effect, and it feels a little better because the second sentence wasn't strong enough to stand on its own like that.
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| Everything looks different. Tastes different. |
You just used this same tactic in the previous sentence. I'd use something a little different here.
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| Maybe it's just me or maybe, just maybe it's everyone else. |
"Maybe it's just me - or maybe, just maybe, it's everyone else."
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Doctor said it was me.
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Makes no sense.
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| Everyone's looking, thinking, judging. Wondering if I am. |
Good first part. I think you're being a little too vague with this. Maybe you want to delay the revelation until the end of the story, but you should give us more clues than this. "It." "I am." These just don't tell us enough, and we get frustrated.
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Just waiting to point and stare. The two people in the room with me remind me of trees; hollow and ready to tip over at any moment. Timber!
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I like "Timber!"  However, that semicolon should be replaced with a comma, or at least a colon.
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I feel like yelling but instead I hear someone yelling my name.
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I'd reword.
"I feel like shouting, but then someone is calling my name."
Something a little different from what you've got, anyway. It feels awkward and forced.
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Walking... seems so foreign.
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No ellipses. Unnecessary, and they look unprofessional.
"Walking seems so foreign" is just fine.
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Sitting long amounts of time must do that to a body. Or so that's what I tell myself.
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I'd just remove the second sentence. The first stands fine on its own.
"Again, I sit."
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This time the plastic underneath my ass chills me.
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"This time, the plastic..."
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In my core I feel shaky, jittery even. The waiting room jitters.
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"In my core, I feel shaky, jittery. I've got the waiting-room jitters."
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Half past the hour and still he leaves me waiting. Asshole.
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"Half and hour passes, and still he keeps me waiting. Asshole."
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An answer, that's all. Everything has all been said and done. That's all I want, all I need.
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"All I want is an answer." The rest seems extraneous to me.
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Doorknob is turning, and in walks a man with a coat. He reminds of God.
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"The doorknob turns, and in walks a man in a white coat."
I like that line, "He reminds me of God," but you left out "me."
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Now let's see if there is one.
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Comma after "now." I'd rephrase, also:
"He reminds me of God. Now, it's time to see if there is a God."
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Talking... talking about my life.
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This seems unnecessary, considering the sentences that follow. I'd remove it.
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"I'm sorry but I'm afraid you tested positive."
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New paragraph, since he's talking. Also, comma after "sorry."
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I cut him off by running out.
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New paragraph, the focus has changed again.
"Before he can say anything else, I flee."
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Through the three waiting rooms and through the clinic.
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"Out through the three waiting rooms, out through the clinic, out through the front door."
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Life is... different now. Or maybe everyone else is different.
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Repeat after me: "Ellipses are Satan. Ellipses are not to be trusted!"
"Life is different, now, or maybe it is everyone else who is different."
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Or maybe, just maybe it's my job to make them different.
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Or, maybe - just maybe - it's my job to make them different.
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I feel like a good fuck. Yeah, lots and lots of good fucks.
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I'd just end with "I feel like a good fuck."
The main problem I see here is that you never once in your story clarify why it is that she's waiting, or what exactly she's positive for. One can infer, but by the end of the story the reader should know for certain. I mean, for Christ's sake, she could be positive for pregnancy or something like that. Try to be a little clearer in the story itself, instead of including an explanatory note.
Bear in mind that many of these revisions are my own stylistic suggestions, and may be taken with a grain of salt. Just don't forget to use your commas! |
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Yatta!
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| Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it, but I have some criticism. So, following my Health Teacher's "Yes-No-Yes" technique for assertiveness...HERE....I...GO!
Yes: Well, personally, I liked it. It is a nice idea. I can really see it evolving into so beautiful piece of literature. I always thought of doing something along those lines and I am jealous that you put it on paper first. If you are really into the whole "stream on consciousness" idea, I think you should really try reading some James Joyce as you work on this piece. After all, the guy did coin the idea. Maybe it'll give you some good insights. Furthermore, I would watch a lot of psychotic thrillers. (You know, Mind Games, etc.) and reading a some psychology books (specifically Olive Sacks). I think if you are actually going to create an entire ego, you need to understand the mechanisms in which the mind possesses and processes ideas, thoughts, etc.
No: The mind doesn't necessarily jump from one idea to another, there's a general flow. The way you structured your sentences and the way some people can't comprehend what is going on is because it's in "stream of consciousness" which is tricky. Because even though you are writing as someone is thinking, you need to also convey what is going on OUTSIDE that individual in a sense. Your character is too introverted to create a novel that can be understood by all. I personally got the idea from the get go, because I kind of think in that pattern too (lol), but they way your character jumps from one place to another makes them seem completely psychotic and unreal because there's no logical bridge. Even the tree metaphor became something bizarre because you didn't bridge it well enough to where the people were sitting, how they sat, etc.
Yes: I think you are very brave to tackle such a piece, but really this topic shouldn't be taken lightly. I'm somewhat slightly offended, because you are writing about a very serious scenario that has never happened to you. I mean, I personally think you should base everything you write on your own experience. If something like this has happened to you, then I suppose go for it, but taking on such a BIG topic can turn someone's good writing into something....poopie?
Best of luck,
YATTA! |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun Jul 27, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I was looking for stuff to critique, and settled on this. XD
Overall Comments
Since it's so short, I'll throw everything into the overall one. XD
- Write [/spoiler] at the end of your Author's Note. XD
- Ditch the Author's Note. I didn't get that this was about AIDs at all – that's bad. The Author's Note told me it was, which is also bad. Let the writing speak for itself. Say something like 'They all shy away from me; afraid they'll get it if they even breath the air I breath. But they can't. They can only get it if…'
- Ditch the word 'ass' in 'ass chills me.' It's useless and tacky. 'Butt' works just fine.
- You forgot 'me' in 'he reminds of God.'
- Since you used the word 'fuck,' this has to be rated R.
- Work on your paragraphs. You start a new one in the middle of the paragraph. Watch when you press enter. XD
- Turn this into a real story.
Now! To explain that last one. XD This was just a collection of jumbled thoughts, which can be absolutely fine. But that's not what you did here. You had before the news, during the news, dialogue, action, and then after the news. Phew! That's a lot, isn't it?
So, turn it into a story. Show us where she is – the people around her – the things she feels. Not just thoughts. Use more paragraphs, show us her getting up, sinking back down after he says positive, running away when he won't shut up. Show us it all – don't tell us.
If you want it to be a bunch of thoughts? Do it right after he leaves, and have her sink into a chair. Then start a new paragraph, show her run, and say the 'fucks' thing.
PM me with any questions!
~JFW1415 |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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