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	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on July 22, 2008

daddy <3

Topic ID: 33418

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seventeenmistyears
New Member

Gender: Gender:Female

Age: 17
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Posts: 2
Reviews: 0

300 Points

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: daddy <3

I will never forget the first time I saw you. I'd been up all night but one look at you reminded me that I didn't really matter anymore. You were wonderful. You were small and sweet and beautiful, and you looked like her. But small. Very small. I remember seeing you, so tiny and helpless and yet sleeping so peacefully. You trusted me to provide for you and you hadn't even seen me yet? Things I'd been sure of for years now filled my heart with questions. I was scared to even touch you, scared I'd break you! But I did touch you and you hand was warm and soft like velvet. I kissed your forehead with rough lips and a tear fell to your face. God is faithful. I will never forget the first time you ran towards me from across the room without falling flat on your face. Your eyes were so big with hope and so were mine. You were walking. Ii was sure that, by tomorrow, you would change the world. And you did. You went to kindergarten. This time, you walked slowly and I held your hand in mine. This world didn't deserve you, and you didn't deserve to have to be in this world. It was so big...and cold...and...we entered a small, warm kindergarten classroom. I kissed your forehead. I remember all the nights I stayed up with you when you were sick. Even if it was something small, it killed me to see you not feeling good. So many late trips to 7-11 for popsicles or whatever...didn't really matter as long as it made you smile. And every time you started feeling better so did I. And we went out for ice cream. You learned. You learned a lot and you learned it fast, and you didn't just learn it in school. From walking and running you started skipping and then you were skipping rope. You learned to swim and kill the other team in soccer and wipe the imaginary tears from your favorite doll's eyes. You chased your dreams and when you lost them I held you on my lap and told you that you were beautiful and wonderful and you meant the world to me. I wasn't lying. You moved from picture books to story books and then there were chapter books. You got taller and one day you wanted to ride a bike. Danger warnings flashed through my head but I taught you anyway. As long as you wore a helmet. Soon you wanted to ride alone without my hand on the bike or even on your shoulder. We started out fast and I was running but you were faster and then my hand slipped away and you kept going and then I was left standing behind you and I realized that I had just taught you how to go away and stay up without me holding you. But I watched you, and you were free. You fell and we got up. And you fell again. And we got up. I hated seeing my girl get all beaten up for something she loved. But you kept getting up and one time you didn't fall. And your eyes were big with hope and so were mine. I had just gotten used to signing permission slips for field trips when you presented me with one for the junior high dance. Junior high? I refused to believe that. But I signed it anyway. It was a bad year for you. The kids were jerks and once more I regretted sending you to kindergarten. But there was nothing I could do about it except to try and remind you that you were beautiful and wonderful and meant the world to me. Try and convince you that I wasn't lying. That got harder. I saw you cry when you felt ugly, cry when you felt clumsy, cry when you felt shy and boring and stupid and tired of life. I hate it when you cry. If only you could have seen what I've always seen in you, you would have had hope. But you couldn't so you cried. And I prayed. And somehow you made it through and you were stronger. God is faithful. You got prettier and that scared me. I didn't understand why that had to happen. I mean, you were just fine like you were. But I had no control over this. You even started putting that black sutff on your eyes. I didn't understand it, but pretty soon I'd answer the phone to some deep voice asking if you were home. Now that scared me. I began to use the line "Who are you and what do you want with my daughter?" more and more often. I will never forget the first time I found myself in the passenger's seat of my own car. We almost died twice that day...but we didn't. God is faithful. You were gone and I really missed you. From work to movies with friends and eventually college classes, I felt like I hardly ever saw you anymore. I knew you had to go but I wished it didn't have to happen so soon. I still miss you. But I know that you are free and you're changing the world. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. I will never forget the first time I saw you that day. You were wearing a white dress and you looked like her. I took your arm and we walked down the aisle. Suprisingly, I did it without falling flat on my face. As we neared the alter, I whispered in your ear. I told you you were beautiful and wonderful and meant the world to me and that is the most true thing I have ever said in my life. I didn't even have to bend down very far to kiss your forehead. You slipped away from me and kept going and then I was left standing behind you and I realized that I had taught you how to leave and how to stand up for yourself and the truth and to live and love without me holding you up. I watched you. Your eyes were so big with hope...and so were mine. You were free. He is faithful. -@

Sam
starface
Epic Novelist

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4920
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
446 Points

Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:22 pm Post subject:

Hey, seventeenmistyears! Welcome to YWS. Quick reminder before I get started--we have a 2:1 policy regarding reviews. Basically, for every piece you post in the lit forums, you should do two or more reviews (you'll need four to catch up ^_~). If you're not quite sure about reviewing, here are a bunch of links to get you started. Reviewing gets your name out there, and you can make a lot of friends just by being helpful and thorough. This was a really cute piece. I thought you did a really good job with the dad character--it was really sweet and plausible, which is impressive. Parent characters (and fathers in general) are really hard to get across without them feeling stilted. You also managed to accurately represent a character's entire childhood in a short amount of space, and though it was condensed, it wasn't...thick. Agh, I fail at metaphors. But you know what I mean--there was a lot going on, but it wasn't hard to sift through. ONE, TWO, SKIP A FEW Though you did a good job of creating the atmosphere of an normal-but-happy childhood, there were a few gaps that felt more awkward than most. One of them was the scenes leading up to the wedding--it feels like she hits puberty and BAM gets married. I'm sorry, darling, but that's not legal throughout most of the 48 contiguous states. Since you start at birth and go to her marriage, it'd be easier just to make sure that your story reads in chronological order. With things like the sickness, he breaks off and makes a sort of puddle of ubiquitous time, which in this set-up makes it sound like she was extremely sick constantly until she started kindergarten. Instead, make it an Epic Sickness--the year that she got chicken pox, or something such. That way, you keep the flow going. To remedy the "oops! marriage!", all you need do is somewhere mention she's engaged, so that it's not such a shock. THE PURPLEST OF PROSE Often, when you get going on a bit of a nostalgic tangent, it's easy for purple prose to crop up. Purple prose is language that's especially trite and cheesy--and usually in a grand, soap opera fashion. For the most part, you did a really good job of avoiding that in this piece, considering the content. However, when you mention "eyes full of hope", I've heard that phrase before and I still don't know what it means. Personally, I try to keep my eyes clear in that regard. ^_~ Another thing that I didn't quite understand was the 'God is faithful' line. I know that there are several definitions for "faithful", but the one that crops up most easily in readers' minds is probably going to be, "Wait, what? Aren't we supposed to be the faithful ones...?" Instead, use a different term--you could play with the idea of grace, or blessings, or something like that, just to make your imagery clear. ___ Thanks for the read, seventeenmistyears! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^_^
_________________ You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. - Boris Yeltsin

Clo
electronica dance queen
Master of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 19
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 1079
Reviews: 265
Country: in an Octopus's Garden
1047 Points

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 2:25 am Post subject:

Welcome to YWS!

Remember to review. Like Sam described. *points to prior post*

Quote:

I was scared to even touch you, scared I'd break you!

I'm not really a big fan of exclamation points in writing. I think this would read better without it.

Quote:

and you hand was warm and soft like velvet.

"your"

Quote:

Try and convince you that I wasn't lying

Try "to" convince you.

I disagree with Sam on the sicknesses. I think it's alright to mention not one big illness, but that when she was sick when she was small. Because young kids get sick quite often. I was always coming down with colds and flus and chicken pox and all that good stuff. So it's realistic.

You do, on the other hand, need to mention an engagement. It sounds like you were racing to the end when the wedding came up. The rest of the time hopping seemed alright, but the wedding came on too fast. Life doesn't go "college, wedding". More like this: "college, graduation, apartment, job, engagement, wedding".

And I don't really understand the "God is faithful" but either. What do you mean by that? What does he mean in thinking that?

Other than that, very sweet. I actually felt a little heart tug while reading it, since I have a close relationship with my father. You're gorgeous and portraying his emotions, and it's an overall lovely read.

I hope I helped! PM me if you have questions. C:

~ Clo

_________________
I need someone to toss the confetti at the ticker tape parade.

This thread was created on July 22, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on July 22, 2008

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